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  1. #1
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    Default Trigger warning: If you have lost a child....

    how would you want to be told by a friend that they are pregnant? What could they say that would be kind/painful?

    Sorry, not sure what section to put this in. A friend of mine lost her precious, almost 4 month old baby, and we attended the funeral a few weeks ago. They would love another baby but are currently seeing geneticists as baby died of an undiagnosed neuro condition and they want to make sure it wasn't something they can pass on to another, so they aren't looking at even trying for at least a year. I'm 14 weeks pregnant and I want to let her know before she finds out some other way. I can't call her because I am guaranteed to bawl about it and she's so lovely, she'd probably feel bad for me! I'm trying to do an email but can't think of what to write. Even just typing this is making me tear up.

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    I'm so clueless I don't know if I'm the one who is meant to say trigger warning or not

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    Having been in the same situation and having my friend find out through a mutual friend can I just say CALL HER! It took my friend nearly a year to speak to me (she was grieving - not mad) but *after* her loss I always kept the communication lines open. When they later had fertility issues and I found out I was pregnant again she was the first person I told. I kept the call short and matter of fact. "I just wanted you to hear from me that we're expecting our second and let you know we won't be telling anyone for a bit but just wanted to tell you so you could have time to process it. I won't be offended if you can't do small talk about it for now, or ever, and I'll get off the phone now... But just want you to know I'll always be here if you feel you need to keep your distance indefinitely..."

    Every now and then I'd make a point of sending a text as if I always got replies although sometimes she couldn't/wouldn't. They'd be breezy ones like "how about this mad weather?" Or "Merry Christmas - thinking of you both. Xo" and gradually more and more our friendship fell back into place. I visited her last week and spent the day with her and her gorgeous (and perfectly healthy) baby born almost 6 years after losing her first.

    My cousin who had a baby born sleeping just weeks before my first was born said "just because we lost our baby doesn't mean we suddenly hate babies and can't be happy for others...." Brave miss that one...

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    tbh I dont think anything 'softens' the blow but not being told BY you will make it worse. Just call her up or go see her and tell her. It will hurt far less than finding out from someone else

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    By the way - congratulations and good luck!!

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    I want to call her about it, but if you could hear/see me crying you'd understand. I can barely speak properly. I was sooo proud of myself when we spoke on the phone a few days ago because i managed to hold off the crying fairly well until certain parts of the conversation came up and we both cried. But I know I won't be able to control it this time and I don't want her to feel worse because of me.

  7. #7
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    I lost a child and can honestly say id be happy for a friend if I found out they were pregnant. I would rather be told by them then think my friend was scared about telling me.... not a single part of me would feel anything but happiness for that person...

    Just how I feel anyway


    I would cry when talking about my baby as it was a heartbreaking thing to go through... but never stopped me from being happy for other people or talking babies with people....

    Sent from my GT-N7105T using The Bub Hub mobile app
    Last edited by fairyflossy; 18-06-2013 at 21:52.

  8. #8
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    Just try to speak from the heart. It is obvious in your posts that you care for your friend and have been affected by the sad loss of her baby, don't be afraid to let that come through when you speak to her. Genuine emotion will mean more to her than false platitudes.

    It will probably be a difficult conversation for you both, but the fact that you even care enough to post here for advice speaks volumes for your character.
    Don't be upset or take it personally if she can't be excited for you straight away to has difficulty bringing herself to ask about how your pregnancy is going as the months go on.

    Good luck x.

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    You know what? I think it's ok in a situation like this to be able to cry with your friend, because it's a tragic situation. And words can sound so empty when you are trying to express how hard you know this might be for her, to actually know that you genuinely hurt for her despite your own blessing will probably cushion the blow.

  10. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Mathermy For This Useful Post:

    Ashram  (18-06-2013),Ellymoe  (18-06-2013),giggle berry  (18-06-2013),headoverfeet  (19-06-2013),SpecialPatrolGroup  (18-06-2013)

  11. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mathermy View Post
    You know what? I think it's ok in a situation like this to be able to cry with your friend, because it's a tragic situation. And words can sound so empty when you are trying to express how hard you know this might be for her, to actually know that you genuinely hurt for her despite your own blessing will probably cushion the blow.
    Thanks. I've typed out a message that I was semi-happy with but this has made me re-think things a bit. I'm sitting here with a seriously gross wad of used tissues now. I was worried that she might feel bad about reacting in any way other than thrilled when i told her as well, but I guess if I'm upset she'll know she doesn't have to be. I'll think about it and maybe give her a call tomorrow if in make that decision. It'll be a hard one, that's for sure. Her baby was so beautiful


 

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