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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by unsullied View Post
    My DH is as good as a parent as me and in some respects better. Both DDs have strong bonds with me, naturally, as I’m their mother, but they have very strong bonds with their Dad. Those guidelines you’ve quoted would not enable a Dad to form a strong bond and relationship with his kid(s). At least not as strong as it could be if he were allowed more access and overnight stays. If I was not with my DH, limiting access to the kids based on those recommendations would have a detrimental effect on the kids relationship with their Dad. They need him as much as they need me. They get different things from him, they learn different things from him. I can’t give them what he gives them and vice versa. The mother is usually the primary carer, but the father needs to be as close to a second primary carer as possible. Not playing a bit part in the kids lives.
    Well unfortunately when people separate it not practical nor beneficial for a baby/young child to be spending significant (night and days) amounts of time away from their primary carer.

    My DH sees our 6 month old every day but who does she prefer? Me. Who does she cry for? Me. Who would she prefer to be with? Me.

    In the ops circumstances the father having the child overnight is not going to benefit the child.

    I always love it when uninformed people voice their judgemental opinions in these types of threads.

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  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by unsullied View Post
    My DH is as good as a parent as me and in some respects better. Both DDs have strong bonds with me, naturally, as I’m their mother, but they have very strong bonds with their Dad. Those guidelines you’ve quoted would not enable a Dad to form a strong bond and relationship with his kid(s). At least not as strong as it could be if he were allowed more access and overnight stays. If I was not with my DH, limiting access to the kids based on those recommendations would have a detrimental effect on the kids relationship with their Dad. They need him as much as they need me. They get different things from him, they learn different things from him. I can’t give them what he gives them and vice versa. The mother is usually the primary carer, but the father needs to be as close to a second primary carer as possible. Not playing a bit part in the kids lives.
    I think you keep missing the point where dad and bub are at this point strangers and at this point it's about what's good for bub NOT dad, small frequent visits increasing over time is what is recommended as being in bubs best interest.

    Side note: it sounds like she has bred with the village idiot.

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  5. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by unsullied View Post
    My DH is as good as a parent as me and in some respects better. Both DDs have strong bonds with me, naturally, as I’m their mother, but they have very strong bonds with their Dad. Those guidelines you’ve quoted would not enable a Dad to form a strong bond and relationship with his kid(s). At least not as strong as it could be if he were allowed more access and overnight stays. If I was not with my DH, limiting access to the kids based on those recommendations would have a detrimental effect on the kids relationship with their Dad. They need him as much as they need me. They get different things from him, they learn different things from him. I can’t give them what he gives them and vice versa. The mother is usually the primary carer, but the father needs to be as close to a second primary carer as possible. Not playing a bit part in the kids lives.
    *sigh* well if you saw my earlier post about what the guidelines actually say, you will see that once the child is older and ready, it is recommended they spend equal time with their non-primary carer and form the bond then. For a BABY a strong attachment and constant presence of the primary carer is optimal for the baby's development, and it is more important for a baby at this stage. While it would be ideal for the baby to form equal bonds with both parents from birth, where the parents do not live together this is impossible. The baby's development takes precedence.
    This is based on YEARS of psychological research.

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  7. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by unsullied View Post
    My DH is as good as a parent as me and in some respects better. Both DDs have strong bonds with me, naturally, as I’m their mother, but they have very strong bonds with their Dad. Those guidelines you’ve quoted would not enable a Dad to form a strong bond and relationship with his kid(s). At least not as strong as it could be if he were allowed more access and overnight stays. If I was not with my DH, limiting access to the kids based on those recommendations would have a detrimental effect on the kids relationship with their Dad. They need him as much as they need me. They get different things from him, they learn different things from him. I can’t give them what he gives them and vice versa. The mother is usually the primary carer, but the father needs to be as close to a second primary carer as possible as opposed to playing a bit part in the kids lives.
    Sorry OP to but in here, but unsullied, can you read?
    Which part of the OP's ex only seeing their child 3 times in 3 weeks did you not see? I would hardly call that being an involved parent.
    OP, I think you are doing the right thing. If your ex had any real interest in having your child overnights, he should be making more of an effort to see them during the day/week. I would say his being stubborn about overnights seems to be more about having an 'excuse' to not pay CS.

    Sent from my Nexus 7 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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  9. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mokeybear View Post
    I think you keep missing the point where dad and bub are at this point strangers and at this point it's about what's good for bub NOT dad, small frequent visits increasing over time is what is recommended as being in bubs best interest.

    Side note: it sounds like she has bred with the village idiot.
    My opinions are based solely on the assumption that the ex isn't a Village idiot. If it's the contrary then obviously access, overnight stays etc would be something that you would naturally be wary of. I think if your ex is a good Dad and the kids have a strong bond with him, then those guidelines, in my opinion are way too restrictive and certainly in my situation would only have an adverse affect on the kids and their Dad's relationship. I'm not really speculating on the OPs situation, at least not any more, I'm just giving my 2c on what I think of the situation in general.

  10. #36
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    Forgive me, I'm not a single parent but I can't help but think that the father perhaps would have been wise to consider issues like bonding, attachment etc before he went walkabout on his family and decided that visiting bub three times in three weeks was his best effort. Not to mention his appalling attitude towards his financial responsibility towards the child..

    I mean seriously it doesn't exactly scream daddy of the year to me!

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  12. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by unsullied View Post
    My DH is as good as a parent as me and in some respects better. Both DDs have strong bonds with me, naturally, as I’m their mother, but they have very strong bonds with their Dad. Those guidelines you’ve quoted would not enable a Dad to form a strong bond and relationship with his kid(s). At least not as strong as it could be if he were allowed more access and overnight stays. If I was not with my DH, limiting access to the kids based on those recommendations would have a detrimental effect on the kids relationship with their Dad. They need him as much as they need me. They get different things from him, they learn different things from him. I can’t give them what he gives them and vice versa. The mother is usually the primary carer, but the father needs to be as close to a second primary carer as possible. Not playing a bit part in the kids lives.
    I thanked your post instead of quoting!

    What you have mentioned above is completely understandable. However you are missing the major point because you clearly are not a single parent.

    Your DH has been around your DD's on a daily basis from the moment they entered your family. So of course he plays a big part and can be just as good parent.

    But the OP's (and others like mine) situation is the opposite. The Dads haven't been around regularly, many not even at birth.

    Does my son deserve a bond with his father too? Of course he does and I'm encouraging that. But to suggest a 4mth old 'needs' overnight stays with his father - who he doesn't even know yet - is ridiculous. There's a reason why it's not recommended so young in situations like this. You can't compare it to yours.

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  14. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by trustno1 View Post
    Sorry OP to but in here, but unsullied, can you read?
    You don't need to be rude. We are having an interesting discussion, we don't need childish insults that only end up derailing threads. If you don't have the maturity to be able to cope with someone having a contradictory opinion then perhaps you should refrain from posting.

  15. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pesca77 View Post
    I thanked your post instead of quoting!
    However you are missing the major point because you clearly are not a single parent.

    .
    Yes, perhaps you are right!

  16. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by unsullied View Post
    You don't need to be rude. We are having an interesting discussion, we don't need childish insults that only end up derailing threads. If you don't have the maturity to be able to cope with someone having a contradictory opinion then perhaps you should refrain from posting.
    And perhaps you need to remember you are in the single parents section OP didn't post in the general section.

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