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  1. #21
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    MilkingMaid is offline Winner 2009 - Mod Award - most supportive member
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    Quote Originally Posted by shelle65 View Post
    What are your qualifications and experience in this area exactly? If you bothered to do even a little research you would know that PP was not referring to "a study" but an entire psychological theory of attachment and age development, the guidelines for which are now used by the Family Court in deciding appropriate access orders.
    Just out of interest, what exactly are those guidelines, do you know?

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    I understand the concerns if you've had a baby with the Village Idiot, but if your ex is a semi-intelligent, sensible, hands on Dad and you're not breast feeding then I see no issue with it. Some non specific, generic guidelines are going to be relevant for some families but it's a bit naive to think it's something that could be applicable to all or even a large majority of families. And in some circumstances, the guidelines, when applied could be detrimental to the development of the baby.
    Last edited by unsullied; 25-06-2013 at 15:53.

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    Quote Originally Posted by AM View Post
    Just out of interest, what exactly are those guidelines, do you know?
    I can't cut and paste on my phone, but it's basically:
    - short frequent visits up to 2yo, no overnights
    - from 2 yo overnights but only 1 night away
    - from school age 3-4 nights in a row
    - from age 10 week-about.

    It's only guidelines of course each case is different...

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    MilkingMaid  (25-06-2013)

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    Quote Originally Posted by unsullied View Post
    I understand the concerns if you've had a baby with the Village Idiot, but if your ex is a semi-intelligent, sensible, hands on Dad and you're not breast feeding then I see no issue with it. Some non specific, generic guidelines are going to be relevant for some families but it's a bit naive to think it's something that could be applicable to all or even a large majority of families. And in some circumstances, the guidelines, when applied could be detrimental to the development of the baby.
    Who are you, exactly, to "see no issue with it"? Are you a psychologist? A single parent of a baby? I'm genuinely curious.

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  7. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by shelle65 View Post
    Who are you, exactly, to "see no issue with it"? Are you a psychologist? A single parent of a baby? I'm genuinely curious.
    Exactly this.

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    I thought he had to pay child support no matter what ??

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    Quote Originally Posted by unsullied View Post
    Rubbish. There are plenty of babies who are away from their primary carers for more than a few hours e.g babies that are in daycare. When DD was a small baby I was away overnight every monday for work whilst DH looked after her and did a grand job. I think it's a good idea your ex has the baby, especially as she is FF. It will help strengthen the bond between father and child, improve his parenting skills, making him a better father, but most of all give you a break. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, such as he is a heavy drinker or drug taker.
    Are you/have you ever been a single parent? Your circumstances above are vastly different to the OP's. Of course your DD was ok with your DH, he is a daily presence in her life.

    OP, I have a 4mth old and 21mth old with exDH. He left suddenly while I was pregnant in very crappy conditions, so he certainly gave up some immediate rights. Luckily he understands this and is not being demanding at all.

    He visits 2-3 times per week, usually for an hour or so. I've now just started leaving DS2 with him for 1-1.5hrs while I take DS1 swimming Sat mornings (we alternate his weekly lessons). He comes and stays with him in my home though. He is well aware - and understands - that he won't be taking DS2 away from me/my home for extended periods for quite some time.

    FTR - it is absolutely publicly acknowledged, by the family court and child support agency among others, that for children under 12mths only short, regular visits are recommended. This information is readily available on the CSA website if you need to point your ex to it. I would be contacting them to force him to pay - what a ludicrous reason to stop payment.

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  11. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by shelle65 View Post
    Who are you, exactly, to "see no issue with it"? Are you a psychologist? A single parent of a baby? I'm genuinely curious.
    My DH is as good as a parent as me and in some respects better. Both DDs have strong bonds with me, naturally, as I’m their mother, but they have very strong bonds with their Dad. Those guidelines you’ve quoted would not enable a Dad to form a strong bond and relationship with his kid(s). At least not as strong as it could be if he were allowed more access and overnight stays. If I was not with my DH, limiting access to the kids based on those recommendations would have a detrimental effect on the kids relationship with their Dad. They need him as much as they need me. They get different things from him, they learn different things from him. I can’t give them what he gives them and vice versa. The mother is usually the primary carer, but the father needs to be as close to a second primary carer as possible as opposed to playing a bit part in the kids lives.
    Last edited by unsullied; 25-06-2013 at 16:35.

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    Quote Originally Posted by bubbles21 View Post
    Thanks for the responses ladies. He won't be happy and is already not paying child support because I haven't allowed overnight visits.
    Child support is not a choice! Why do so many men not understand this??! no you cannot pick how much you pay and no you cannot just pay nothing.

    He needs to pay the amount he has been assessed to.

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  15. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by happygirl1982 View Post
    I thought he had to pay child support no matter what ??
    He Does, and if they currently have a private arrangement which he is reneging on, CSA can be enlisted to collect, and they will enforce it.


 

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