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  1. #1
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    Default Dont want to disappoint DP...

    Dp had a rough childhood. His parents were always promising him the world and then letting him down... This hasn't changed even now he is older.
    I'm continuously seeing him be disappointed and let down by his mum, and as tough as he try's to act all okay, but I can see how devastated he gets.

    After speaking one of his step sisters, she pretty much pointed out that I'm holding myself back because I'm scared to disappoint him (ie don't want to be like his mum, getting hopes up only to disappoint him)
    I have 2 businesses - which iv basically stopped operating because I'm too scared to take risks/try new things/ operate etc because I'm just to worried that I will fail and disappoint him.

    It sounds stupid to me even writing in here (I feel pathetic for feeling like this)

    Any suggestions? Or should I just "grow some" and get over myself

    Thanks

  2. #2
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    My DH has some issues that stem from his family life/relationship with his mum as a kid (and as an adult). For a long time its been negatively affecting our relationship so much that I can't trust him. Then I realised it had almost nothing to do with me (i had been partially thinking I was to blame and trying to 'fix' that) and that it was something so ingrained in my DH that I wouldn't be able to solve it.

    Fortunately DH recognises its a problem, and though doesn't know how to solve it himself, has agreed to see a counseller/psychologist about it (first appointment was today). It won't be solved overnight but we're both keen to get to a better place by the time our bub arrives. Once he thinks or seems to be improving from seeing the psych, I'm going to suggest we go together so we can hopefully sort out our trust issues that have been a consequence of this.

    Not sure if it helps...but it is a similar situation (IMO) and you shouldn't be afraid of taking risks and your DH should be supportive of that. Even if it doesn't work out (the risk).


    Eta: also, you are in no way pathetic.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BlotchedTabby View Post
    My DH has some issues that stem from his family life/relationship with his mum as a kid (and as an adult). For a long time its been negatively affecting our relationship so much that I can't trust him. Then I realised it had almost nothing to do with me (i had been partially thinking I was to blame and trying to 'fix' that) and that it was something so ingrained in my DH that I wouldn't be able to solve it.

    Fortunately DH recognises its a problem, and though doesn't know how to solve it himself, has agreed to see a counseller/psychologist about it (first appointment was today). It won't be solved overnight but we're both keen to get to a better place by the time our bub arrives. Once he thinks or seems to be improving from seeing the psych, I'm going to suggest we go together so we can hopefully sort out our trust issues that have been a consequence of this.

    Not sure if it helps...but it is a similar situation (IMO) and you shouldn't be afraid of taking risks and your DH should be supportive of that. Even if it doesn't work out (the risk).


    Eta: also, you are in no way pathetic.

    Sent from my GT-I9305 using The Bub Hub mobile app
    Thanks blotched. These bloody MIL haha. I quite often feel like I'm trying to fix things too - that aren't my fault!

    Glad your dp can recognise the problem. Hopefully yous can sort out the trust issues too!
    Dp doesn't see it as a problem hopefully he will think it over and realise - i only just found out yesterday, when my sil pointed it out, tho When i think about it iv probably known for a while, just not faced it. I'm not sure if counciling would help him last time he tried it, everything just unraveled and he was an utter mess and took him months to get back on track

    And He does try to be supportive of what I do - but I can see he is trying to keep his distance, like not get too involved...

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by trying4no2 View Post
    Thanks blotched. These bloody MIL haha. I quite often feel like I'm trying to fix things too - that aren't my fault!

    Glad your dp can recognise the problem. Hopefully yous can sort out the trust issues too!
    Dp doesn't see it as a problem hopefully he will think it over and realise - i only just found out yesterday, when my sil pointed it out, tho When i think about it iv probably known for a while, just not faced it. I'm not sure if counciling would help him last time he tried it, everything just unraveled and he was an utter mess and took him months to get back on track

    And He does try to be supportive of what I do - but I can see he is trying to keep his distance, like not get too involved...
    My MIL is not too bad...but neither of his parents realise the 'damage' they have done to him as a kid. Instead they've blamed him for not living up to their standards. We've come quite a long way since we first met...my 'outside' perspective helped him see how his childhood has affected his whole life and held him back.

    It will help a lot (I think) if you realise that its not your fault and also not in your control. I need to be supportive of my DH for him to overcome this problem but I've been held back as I've been taking it personally and getting angry at him about it.

    It might help if you talk to your DP about how it makes you feel, how your too scared to take risks etc and that your worried about how it might affect your future etc. Don't blame him though...he can't help the way his parents treated him. It might help to point out how its affected him too?

    I think counselling is still a good idea...not sure how you can prevent him falling apart again...maybe if he tells them up front that last time he tried it, it unravelled too much? Or maybe if you both go?

    Does he get disappointed with you? Or does it cause any problems between you? (Separately to his parents) If it doesn't, then just talking about how you feel might help.

    Its really hard, I hope you can get to a point soon where it doesn't affect your businesses (and probably other areas of yours & your DP's life too)... I also only realised recently that its something that stems from his childhood and that neither of us really have any control over. Even though i've known about how his childhood has affected other areas of his life for a long time.

    Good luck.

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