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  1. #1
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    Default Am I being unfair?

    Bit of background - Dh and I decided to start ttc over 5 years ago. His idea mostly with the view that he would be a satd and I would return to work as I'm the main bread winner. Fast forward to now when after ivf we have a wonderful 7 month old son.

    I have returned to part time work since P was 5 months old. I work 2 1/2 to 4 days a week and most of my work days are long (I'm gone for 11 hours plus). Dh is not coping well with being at home with P. Many times I come home exhausted to find them both in tears. P is a poor sleeper and I've been doing the majority of the night care so I'm averaging 4 to 5 hours of broken sleep per day.

    Am I being unfair wanting dh to step up? I feel like I have 2 babies. I prepare everything for dh on my work days - I have all P's meals, clothes etc ready, I put sandwiches in the fridge for dh, I make sure the nappies are stocked abd the nappy bin empty. Dh does help out. He gets dinner ready most nights (once I'm home and take over baby duties).

    Dh and I have been fighting a lot. He thinks that I'm a b!tch for not paying attention to him when I get home and he's upset. Usually I'm busy settling P, getting washing done and trying to tidy up. Am I being unfair?

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  2. #2
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    I don't think u are being unfair at all. I would be so exhausted working long days after being up so long at night! Does he get up at night? I def think u need to have a chat. Could u try sleep school or see a pead or Sonething to address bubs not sleeping? Good luck hon!

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    My husband could have written most of that about me, except I do more housework but he cooks dinner more often (or we have cheese on toast). Oh and he doesnt prepare everything for the day actually. He works 55+hrs a week in a stressful workplace and comes home to a war zone with tears all around, then cops most of bedtime shenanigans from our toddler. I call it survival, or teamwork. But clearly I am a bit biased :-)

    Have you spoken to him about why he's not coping, and are there small things that can change to help? Does he get out much through the day? Playgroups, stories at rye library, council run 'new parents' groups or dads groups are all good ways to get out so not to feel trapped and isolated.

    ETA to answer your question, I think he does need to step up, but I'd be wondering why he hasn't. Not in a nasty way, but is something stopping him. He may actually cope better if he was more responsible for day to day things
    Last edited by peasmum; 12-06-2013 at 20:13.

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  5. #4
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    Dh does have 2-3 days to himself each week. He doesn't go out much with P on his own as he's nervous that P will have a melt down and then so would dh. On dh's baby free days he repairs computers (his own small home business). He also plays computer games for an hour or few most nights.

    Have spoken to our gp about P's poor sleeping and I just get the "it's normal for a teething baby".

    I guess it's all just come to a bit of a crisis tonight with dh and I screaming at each other.

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    I can't help but think if a man came on here and said the same thing ("I work all day and come home and my wife is in tears and I have to do washing etc") we wouldn't be telling him "ahh just tell her to suck it up!". The hub would be in uproar!!!!

    I think we all know that being a stay at home parent is hard, if he were the mother we'd probably be saying she might have pnd.
    Working out of the home is hard too, no one can work effectively on only a few hours sleep.

    I think the only way you are going to get through this is with team work. You're in it together, make sure you both know that. Take care of each other and try to get the division of labour to a level that works for both of you. Be prepared to sacrifice non-essential stuff (as long as there is food on the table, there aren't possums eating out of the kitchen bin, and you're both still in love then everything else can wait)

    Good luck x.

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  8. #6
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    Do you think he might be depressed?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jellyfishie View Post
    I can't help but think if a man came on here and said the same thing ("I work all day and come home and my wife is in tears and I have to do washing etc") we wouldn't be telling him "ahh just tell her to suck it up!". The hub would be in uproar!!!!

    I think we all know that being a stay at home parent is hard, if he were the mother we'd probably be saying she might have pnd.
    Working out of the home is hard too, no one can work effectively on only a few hours sleep.

    I think the only way you are going to get through this is with team work. You're in it together, make sure you both know that. Take care of each other and try to get the division of labour to a level that works for both of you. Be prepared to sacrifice non-essential stuff (as long as there is food on the table, there aren't possums eating out of the kitchen bin, and you're both still in love then everything else can wait)

    Good luck x.
    I completely agree with this. Good luck

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    I think you need to focus on supporting him...or finding him some support.

    Look around for a good parenting group...one with other dads if you can.

    Maybe look at getting some help around the house if the housework is building up.

    Encourage DH to take a walk in the park each day that it is sunny.

    See if you can find an activity for them to do each week that they both enjoy.

    Being a sahp is really hard and there have been days that DH has got home to me in tears and has had to step in and take over or cook dinner.

    We now have the routine that he does take DD as soon as he gets home...he goes to the loo and then whisks her off for bathtime and i often have my shower then as some down time.

    Your DH does need to understand that you cannot comfort him when bub has to come first...but, if you support him in other ways it might start to balance out.

    No doubt, as the working parent...you also need support. Sleep deprivation is bloody awful...so make sure you take care of yourself too.

    Mainly, try and pull together and both of you stop blaming the other one. Console each other and remind each other that this is such a short time and when ever you can to stop and enjoy it. Stuff the housework...have a cuddle instead.

  12. #9
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    I think the crux of it is that he isn't coping with being a SAHP. If you are coming home regularly finding them both in tears, if he can't take bub out because he can't cope doing it, well to me that indicates that this set up isn't working.

    I would try to have a calm discussion with him and you could both lay your cards on the table (lots of I statements, no blaming or finger pointing) and try and figure out a solution because it sounds unfair for all of you at the moment.

    Good luck

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    PND can affect men too so it might be worth looking at. Sounds like you both have a lot on your plate and a really good talk about your individual needs and expectations might be handy.


 

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