+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 23
  1. #1
    harvs's Avatar
    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Posts
    9,996
    Thanks
    6,239
    Thanked
    15,892
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 9/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 2/4/15Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 19/3/15Busiest Member of the Week200 Posts in a week

    Default Feeling Guilty

    Sorry for any people that keep having to read my story, and I will try and keep this short as I can.

    We had an unplanned pregnancy and my husband put a lot of pressure on me to abort, which I resisted. It has harmed our marriage considerably, and recently he has said that he believes I became pregnant on purpose. Without getting too graphic, he thinks that I 'messed with his seed'. He won't believe otherwise. He says I've shattered his trust and no longer believes anything I say.

    We both endured separated parents, so we are doing what we can to make it work. We are currently seeing a counsellor. But I am 90% sure we will end up splitting. He has told me it will suck either way (as in suck to split and suck to be married to me), and has said many, many hurtful things to me. He has finally just started taking anti-depressants, but I don't believe that will last. I feel like if I am looking out for myself, and what I deserve in life then I should leave. Then I flip-flop and think about how my DS and my husband have such a strong bond, and maybe we should stay together for my son's sake. He has said that if we split it will be a total break and he won't see me or his son again. This made me very panicky at first, but I now accept that it will be his choice, and I can't control that. We have known each other for a long time, and can go through the motions of marriage, and most of the time we get along ok. I just don't know what to think. I also have PND, which is kind of unsurprising I guess.

    Anyway, my son has been very hard work at the moment, and as I do 80% of the caregiving I have been sleep-deprived for the past eight months and am generally over it all. I'm finding myself resenting my baby for even existing, and blaming him for the fact that I'm probably going to end up a lonely, old spinster. I love him so much but I feel detached from him. I know intellectually that it was my choice to keep him but I just can't help the way I'm feeling at the moment. Don't get me wrong - I treat him well and would never think of hurting him or anything like that, I just hate feeling this way about him.

    Just wondering if anyone has ever had similar feelings to these or if I am just a monster?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Posts
    8,806
    Thanks
    7,267
    Thanked
    9,720
    Reviews
    5
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    You are NOT a monster. You are just in a really hard place to be. Is there a chance you can seek solo counselling as well?
    I do think your DH is being very unfair on you.
    I don't think staying together for the kids is a good idea- both you and your DH deserve happiness too. Anyone I've ever known or known of who has tried this has ended up worse off and filled with resentment. You sound like you are hanging in there by a thread- do you have any good friends who can help out and allow you a bit of rest?

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Posts
    2,226
    Thanks
    3,792
    Thanked
    2,210
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Mrs Harvey

    You are not a monster.

    First thing is you are sleep deprived and that is a horrible insidious thing, it does grey out your whole life.

    Second thing is your husbands revolting attitude towards you about the conception of you son, that must be so hard to live with day in day out. He loves his son but if you split he won't see his son anymore? Can't imagine how you must feel inside when he speaks like that.

    I don't have specific advice as I guess you guys are doing the right thing with having marriage counselling etc and he has started anti depressants but I didn't want to read and run, you sound lost and sad.

    I don't know if you would really even be able to forgive your husband after everything that has been said and done, I am sure you are painfully aware how let down you have been.

    I hope things improve for you, you need to get some decent sleep under your belt ( your husband should be helping with that) and I'm sure then you would be feeling better about your son.

    Life really sucks sometimes, I'm so sorry for you and your son xxxxxx

  4. The Following User Says Thank You to Mokeybear For This Useful Post:

    oozzle  (11-06-2013)

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Posts
    6,868
    Thanks
    5,192
    Thanked
    3,894
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by mrsharvey View Post
    Sorry for any people that keep having to read my story, and I will try and keep this short as I can.

    We had an unplanned pregnancy and my husband put a lot of pressure on me to abort, which I resisted. It has harmed our marriage considerably, and recently he has said that he believes I became pregnant on purpose. Without getting too graphic, he thinks that I 'messed with his seed'. He won't believe otherwise. He says I've shattered his trust and no longer believes anything I say.

    We both endured separated parents, so we are doing what we can to make it work. We are currently seeing a counsellor. But I am 90% sure we will end up splitting. He has told me it will suck either way (as in suck to split and suck to be married to me), and has said many, many hurtful things to me. He has finally just started taking anti-depressants, but I don't believe that will last. I feel like if I am looking out for myself, and what I deserve in life then I should leave. Then I flip-flop and think about how my DS and my husband have such a strong bond, and maybe we should stay together for my son's sake. He has said that if we split it will be a total break and he won't see me or his son again. This made me very panicky at first, but I now accept that it will be his choice, and I can't control that. We have known each other for a long time, and can go through the motions of marriage, and most of the time we get along ok. I just don't know what to think. I also have PND, which is kind of unsurprising I guess.

    Anyway, my son has been very hard work at the moment, and as I do 80% of the caregiving I have been sleep-deprived for the past eight months and am generally over it all. I'm finding myself resenting my baby for even existing, and blaming him for the fact that I'm probably going to end up a lonely, old spinster. I love him so much but I feel detached from him. I know intellectually that it was my choice to keep him but I just can't help the way I'm feeling at the moment. Don't get me wrong - I treat him well and would never think of hurting him or anything like that, I just hate feeling this way about him.

    Just wondering if anyone has ever had similar feelings to these or if I am just a monster?
    Whilst I'm not in your circumstance I just wanted to send you a big hug.

    I think you need to maybe spend a week with some family or friends and just recharge.

    Sent from my HTC One SV using The Bub Hub mobile app

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to Rose&Aurelia&Hannah For This Useful Post:

    VanityFey  (11-06-2013)

  7. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Posts
    6,718
    Thanks
    3,789
    Thanked
    3,838
    Reviews
    17
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    Busiest Member of the Week - week ended 14/11/14100 Posts in a week
    Mrs Harvey-snap.

    I understand totally what you mean about feeling detached and the resentment feelings towards bub. I was actually going to make a similar thread but don't need to now.

    You are not a monster. My God I understand what you mean.

    Sent from my magical black talky thingy using bubhub

  8. #6
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    337
    Thanks
    109
    Thanked
    56
    Reviews
    0
    Your husband is a tool. You need to look after and love yourself more, so you are able to spread that love to your baby. Please seek professional help for your PND - call a hotline.

  9. #7
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    1,881
    Thanks
    76
    Thanked
    631
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    You will not end up a lonely old spinster if you do split up - you won't!

  10. #8
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    4,113
    Thanks
    2,901
    Thanked
    3,329
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I'm so angry at your husband on your behalf. How can he say such horrible things? And to say if you break up he's never going to see his son again?? It seems like really manipulative and controlling behaviour.

    You're not a monster. You're a sleep deprived mum with a husband who clearly has issues (or is just an @rse).

    It will get better, hang in there. I'm a solo mum and when it's just the two of you it's nothing but love. No one else to think about, no other relationships to maintain. You can spend all day cuddling your bub and have cereal for dinner with no judgment.

  11. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Wise Enough For This Useful Post:

    cluckcluck  (11-06-2013),eMBe  (11-06-2013),misskittyfantastico  (11-06-2013),Mokeybear  (11-06-2013),oozzle  (11-06-2013)

  12. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    South East QLD
    Posts
    4,034
    Thanks
    3,349
    Thanked
    1,623
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Big hugs.

    That's horrible the way your husband has been to you.

    Like a pp suggested, would counselling just for you be an option? It seems like you really need someone, just for you.

    YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER. That needed to be capitalised, I can't stress it enough. You are having a very hard time, this will affect you. Please don't think this about yourself though.

    Do you have people IRL who you can turn to for support?

    Please take care. x

    Sent from my GT-I9100T using The Bub Hub mobile app

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to dancingchipmunk For This Useful Post:

    oozzle  (11-06-2013)

  14. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    3,377
    Thanks
    820
    Thanked
    1,104
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    As everyone else has said, you definitely are not a monster You are having to deal with so much on top of serious sleep deprivation. Do you have anyone who can offer you some time out? And I agree with Atropos who suggested some individual counselling for you might be beneficial to help you work through things.


 

Similar Threads

  1. Going out for the day... Feeling so guilty
    By moosey in forum Breastfeeding Support
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 09-01-2013, 12:13
  2. Feeling guilty...
    By SpicyTurtle in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 26-12-2012, 15:14
  3. Feeling guilty!!!
    By MissSez in forum Support for unplanned pregnancies
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 04-07-2012, 09:13

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Softmats
With so many amazing reversible designs, the soft and cushioned Premium Bubba Mats are the perfect space for all the family. Not only do they look fantastic; you can also enjoy the quality and comfort for years to come.
sales & new stuffsee all
Wendys Music School Melbourne
Wondering about Music Lessons? FREE 30 minute ASSESSMENT. Find out if your child is ready! Piano from age 3 years & Guitar, Singing, Drums, Violin from age 5. Lessons available for all ages. 35+ years experience. Structured program.
Use referral 'bubhub' when booking
featured supporter
Impressionable Kids
Impressionable Kids are Australia's leader in framed children's memorabilia and specialise in framed baby hand and feet sculptures. With franchise locations throughout Australia you can be assured you will receive a quality handmade product with a lifetime warranty on all frames.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!