Sorry for any people that keep having to read my story, and I will try and keep this short as I can.
We had an unplanned pregnancy and my husband put a lot of pressure on me to abort, which I resisted. It has harmed our marriage considerably, and recently he has said that he believes I became pregnant on purpose. Without getting too graphic, he thinks that I 'messed with his seed'. He won't believe otherwise. He says I've shattered his trust and no longer believes anything I say.
We both endured separated parents, so we are doing what we can to make it work. We are currently seeing a counsellor. But I am 90% sure we will end up splitting. He has told me it will suck either way (as in suck to split and suck to be married to me), and has said many, many hurtful things to me. He has finally just started taking anti-depressants, but I don't believe that will last. I feel like if I am looking out for myself, and what I deserve in life then I should leave. Then I flip-flop and think about how my DS and my husband have such a strong bond, and maybe we should stay together for my son's sake. He has said that if we split it will be a total break and he won't see me or his son again. This made me very panicky at first, but I now accept that it will be his choice, and I can't control that. We have known each other for a long time, and can go through the motions of marriage, and most of the time we get along ok. I just don't know what to think. I also have PND, which is kind of unsurprising I guess.
Anyway, my son has been very hard work at the moment, and as I do 80% of the caregiving I have been sleep-deprived for the past eight months and am generally over it all. I'm finding myself resenting my baby for even existing, and blaming him for the fact that I'm probably going to end up a lonely, old spinster. I love him so much but I feel detached from him. I know intellectually that it was my choice to keep him but I just can't help the way I'm feeling at the moment. Don't get me wrong - I treat him well and would never think of hurting him or anything like that, I just hate feeling this way about him.
Just wondering if anyone has ever had similar feelings to these or if I am just a monster?