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  1. #1
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    Default Can't agree who to leave kids to if we both die!!! Anyone a lawyer?

    So, DH and and I now have three kids and we STILL can't agree on who to leave them to if we die!!! This conversatioon has been going on since before DD - 5 was born and now we just agree that we will NEVER agree. I want my sister - 35 not married, doesn't own her own house , a few issues but has the absolute same philosophy and values as we do for raising children and loves my kids as though they were her own - she will drop in for just 10 minutes to have a play with them then be on her way if that's all she can spare. And they love her - when we talk about our 'family - as in me, DH and the kids - they always remind me to add aunty L. DH thinks she has shown no responsibility however I know that she could step-up if she needed to. My Dh wants his sister - she has two kids 16 and 7 - , her partner ( not the fathers of either child) is an immature 24 years old ( she is 41) , her daughter is about 10 kg over weight, has grown up watching so much TV ( had one in her room from age 3 - with unlimited viewing) she speaks with and American accent and vocabulary - seriously!! People think she is american, She does not value education, travel, healthy eating etc, etc. I won't go on, only to say she is opposite to us. Plus she lives in a horrible, violent town 1500 k's from where we live. My sister lives here. DH won't budge, I won't budge - so does anyone know how we write a will? This is the big issue - we have a lot of assets and need to do one but avoid it because we can't agree on this one thing.
    Last edited by CleverClogs; 29-05-2013 at 21:04.

  2. #2
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    I'd suggest meeting with a lawyer and getting their advice on who to choose and how to choose. For me, the fact that your sister lives in the same town and your SIL lives 1500km's away is a deal breaker. If your kids lost their parents and then had to lose their friends, schools, etc as well by moving 1500km's away it wouldn't be a great thing at all.

  3. #3
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    If each of you were to write something different in your will, it would come down to who died first. So if you can't agree, I guess you could just each put the person you want in your own individual wills and just accept that it might not end up being who you want.

    Hopefully there would not be a situation where it would matter anyway

  4. #4
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    That's a really tough situation. Not trying to rain on your sister but have you considered how it would impact on her if she does meet someone and have her own bio children (e.g. Her chances of actually meeting someone may be lessened if she has adopted children, how will your kids feel if she has 'her own' kids down the track etc), and also she hasn't really demonstrated how she parents (being the awesome visiting aunt is very different to being the actual parent with regards to discipline etc)

    However, your SIL sounds like she HAS demonstrated her parenting and it's not really a beacon of hope is it!

    A lawyer will be able to give you good advice about how it needs to be sorted out. For example, what financial assistance does the person taking guardianship get from your estate? Do you need a separate person to act as a trustee for your estate who independently advocates for the best interest of your children?

    Good luck, it's a tough one

  5. #5
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    Before you go to a lawyer talk to both potential parties and ask them if they would accept that responsibility if put to them. Don't assume they will.
    We tossed up between dh's sister who isn't married, doesn't have kids, buying a house on her own and dh's best friend since school and his wife, they have been married for 20 years, they couldn't have their own kids, they own their own house and have no debts. We asked the best friends first, he was fine with it but she was uncomfortable so we decided not to go with them. So we talked to sil and she was happy to accept that responsibility if need be so we have SIL in our will to be the boys guardian. We have properties and many assetts, supers and life insurances. We made it clear in our will what we wanted done with the properties and what we wanted what to go to, funds split between the boys to not access until a certain age etc, whats to be sold etc. We also took into account the cost for SIL, re she would need a bigger house, car and the kids costs of schooling etc so we a percentage to her so she didn't have to worry about financial stress.

    Its a lot to think about but we are glad we got it done.

    We also wrote a letter to sil regarding our wishes, hopes, dreams for the boys and anything else we felt she needs to know, we have this letter with the will.

  6. #6
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    Would there be grandparents around for your sister to lean on or be heavily involved? I am thinking if there is, it would lessen the burden on your sister and parents and more reassuring for your DH.

    Do you think that the fact your sister does not own a house makes your DH think that your sister could 'profit' from the situation and your children would miss out? If that his is only concern, could you increase your life insurance so your children are well cared for when they need to be educated or leave home and your sister stays in the house you live in until the house is sold?

    Maybe discuss the idea of a local boarding school for your children for high school so there is less responsibility for your sister during the week. She can have them home on the weekends and holidays and still work so less depletion of your life insurance.

    Your DH's sister could be given a generous amount of access during school holidays?

    It is so tough deciding and I hope you come to some agreement you are both happy with.

  7. #7
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    I'm having the same issue. I have four married brothers, all have their own children and parent very differently to me.

    DH has one brother who is married and they are not having children stating they are too selfish, yet they want to be guardian of ours?? I think not! If they are too selfish to have their own, they aren't going to look after ours. Plus, I don't trust his wife with the money side of things.

    We have some very good friends and parent similar, I want to leave the girls to them, they have 2 boys. I feel funny about it because we have so much family.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smyles View Post
    not having children stating they are too selfish
    This was always my line when people asked, but the reality was I couldn't fall pregnant and was desperate for kids. I am extremely close to my mum and sister but nobody other than DH knows about our fertility issues or us doing IVF (other than Bub Hubbers). I might tell them once we complete our family, or it might stay our secret.

    Just putting an alternate point of view out there!

    I agree with PP about location, that is the clincher for me. Would your DH really want the kids to have to leave their home, school and friends and go miles away? Also I would guess given the distance they would barely know these people, which would be just terrible.

    Also, given your assets I would suggest making representatives of both sides of the family joint trustees on your estate so that both parties have a say in the financial decision making. This may make your DH feel more comfortable if he knows his sister is still involved in the strategy for the kids, if not the day to day. This is what we did in our wills.

  9. #9
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    We were also fertility challenged and DD2 is an IVF bub. I hope you get the bubba you are dreaming of, it's a tough road.

  10. #10
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    Thanks all. We really just need to see a lawyer I think. DH doesn't want my sister as he just thinks she is not responsible but there is also a family obligation in there . He acknowledges my concerns about his sisters, just as I do his. Both if them want the kids, and no the position we r in. The only plus is my dads here and stepmum and he is very wealthy and would back my sister all the way. If it came down to it they would go for custody at court and would win between them and SIL. I hate thinking about it but really need to now. Guess a lawyer is the answer.


 

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