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  1. #11
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    So sorry to hear of your losses, Melissa and Hulahoop.

    Thank you for pointing out the positives - I am going to try and concentrate on them a bit more and on enjoying my little bundle of cheekiness. It also makes me realise I need to do more to connect DS to his family OS - none here in Aus - we have not yet visited, but we should so that he can start getting to know them.

  2. #12
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    I'm a 40 year old only child with an only child all of who's cousins live overseas (DH is Irish). Id decided to have only one and all the benefits that came with it and now I'm not so sure... In fact I swing wildly between 'yes we're going to try, absolutely' to 'no this is it, now we can do this that and the other'. Sometimes this happens several times in an hour!!! It's all I'm thinking about and I'm going nuts!!!!! I've actually gone to my Dr to have my egg reserve tested and get my results
    next Tuesday. I have no idea what I want the result to be?! I'm so happy to hear I'm not the only one feeling this way.

  3. #13
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    Hi Naboo,
    I'm sure it could drive someone nuts. I was in a similar situation once, deciding whether to have children at all - this was 5-6 years ago in another relationship. It is a huge decision to expand your family and it's natural to want to be as sure as you can be. I guess a lot of it is just what 'feels' right, and the frustrating thing is that that can change from day to day or hour to hour.
    I know that although Im fairly sure we will just have one, I will probably always have a small part of me that wonders what life would have been like with two.
    Can I ask how old your DS/DD is and how long you have been feeling much more in favour of having another?

  4. #14
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    DS is 5 in September.

    We were always going to have a 2nd child, however DH was diagnosed with depression when DS was 1.5. We dealt with that for a few years and the baby making was put on the back burner when around Feb last year we decided to stick with the one. Probably about October last year I started regretting this decision and in December bought it up with DH. Nothing ever eventuated from it, it was just kinda brushed under the carpet as the decision had been made and it was acknoweldged that it was never going to happen. Only I never stopped thinking (dwelling) on it.

    Day in day out I had this secret internal struggle. I see those stupid family stickers on cars and feel really down then next moment I'm thinking of practical stuff like how can we afford another child etc. I would go through periods of really deep sadness.

    I finally bought it up again with DH as it was like I was a different person in my head secret from him. He was really lovely about it and suggested I call his psychologist. So I spoke to her and she said that my body was trying to tell me something and that I shouldn't ignore it any longer. That I wouldn't ignore a tumour that was giving me so much pain.

    So I've had the egg timer test to see where I stand. Part of me would be relieved if it said that my reserve was low. Then the decision is taken out of my hands (no IVF for us and that's certain). We could go ahead with our life plans with career, travel (we're going to Ireland for 5 weeks in December), getting DS everything he needs. However if there is a possibility we can......

    You know I don't even want a baby really. I have no desire to be pregnant! I just want that extra person in our lives. DH and I are likely to have 40 years ahead of us, DS another 80. I want another relationship in our lives, someone to love us and us to love that person. That is my driving force for this whole fiasco.

    (an example of my emotions at any given moment).

  5. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Naboo For This Useful Post:

    anemone  (16-05-2013),cnic  (21-06-2013),surfergal  (22-06-2013)

  6. #15
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    I have one beautiful DS who has just turned 2. We are done, I always thought I wanted more children but after having him I just couldn't go through the heart ache and roller coaster if we were to have another child that ended up sick and needing constant medical care for over a year (DS is fine now but for over a year was very unwell and in and out of hospital) I also couldn't imagine how financially straining it would be for us as a family we are a single income family earning just above minimum wage and some weeks struggle to afford the things we need as a 3 person family let alone 4.

    I am actually really at peace with this decision and while I sometimes think maybe we are being unfair to DS in the long run it will be the best thing for us as a family unit he will always have his needs and wants met and has constant social interaction with other children through our mothers group

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    anemone  (16-05-2013)

  8. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by RipperRita View Post
    I was an only and absolutely loved it growing up. If you google personality traits of only children you will see that being an "only" certainly has its positives and very few negatives. The biggest negative for me was the outside's world view of "only's" as being spoilt, lonely, bossy etc. in fact i hated telling people i was an only child because they always made some snarky comment. The first time I ever truly felt some inkling of regret about being an only was watching my 2 children interact but I also get just as many moments were I want to adopt one out because I can't stand the fighting. People that have really big families also face some negativity from society so I guess unless you have 2.5 kids with one of each gender your pretty much stuffed.
    Totally agree - I am an only child as well and I have always hated the 'stigma' that is attached to that regarding being a spoilt brat etc.

    My parents did not plan for me to be an only child and TTC for many years but were never successful, my mother having 1 late miscarriage when I was about 6 years old. The great thing for me growing up is that I had heaps of cousins, including a couple both born within 12 months of me so I treated them like sisters. People used to think we were triplets!

    My situation now is that DS is 2.5 years old and there would not be a week that goes by when someone doesn't ask me when I'm going to have another one (which I think is so very rude but that's another thread!) Of all my friends and family that have had a child, I'm probably the only one who hasn't gone on to having 2 kids under 3 so I'm certainly feeling like I'm in the minority, like there is something wrong with us for not wanting to pop out kids willy-nilly! I never ever wanted to have 2 babies. I have watched friends and family struggle with it enough to know its not for me. With DS getting older and a little bit more independent (or so he likes to think!) we madly fluctuate between wanting to have another and not. We ultimately still haven't decided yet but to date we don't regret not having had a 2nd child as another baby wouldn't have allowed us to do the things we've both done in the past year (trips away, promotions at work, training courses etc...) Having been an only child myself I don't worry that there will be any damage done to DS if he were to become an only child. And yet, I can't quieten this voice in my head that sometimes says 'have another one'....
    Last edited by bitterpure; 16-05-2013 at 11:02.

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  10. #17
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    Naboo, it does sound like a large part of you is keen to at least try for another. I hear you on what your psychologist said - that's also how I felt when married to a man who did not want children. In the end I had to listen to that inner part of me - and so glad I did! As a side note, even if your AMH is low, there are meds available that can increase yr chances when TTC naturally. You are welcome to PM me if you need info as I looked into this extensively & have copies of the research etc.

    Bitterpure, thanks for sharing yr positive experiences of being a sole child. I hope you can find resolution to your dilemma. And yes it's damn rude to for someone to ask when you are going to have another. I had a really strange comment a few months ago, when DS was around 20m, from a dad (of 3 kids) I just met and had been chatting to in the park for just 5 mins. he's asked me if we were going to have another and I'd replied "No, just the one" or s/thing similar, He said: "Yeah I guess if you were going to go again, you would have done so by now". Bit staggered by the various assumptions at work there! Obviously I was looking old that day

    Ashley - I'm glad you are at peace with yr decision - must be a good place to be. Agree too that these days, be it through daycare, playgroup, MG, family nearby or whatever, kids get a lot of opportunities to socialise. 40 yrs ago, as a child growing up, until my sister arrived when I was 4, I had none of that (exept for parhaps the occasional park visit) as I was at home with my mum the whole time, she didnt have friends w young kids, and I had no cousins in the same country. But I cant say I ever felt lonely - I cant even remember much before school....

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  12. #18
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    Thanks Anemone! I'll let you know how I go next week. It's nice to get an outside perspective, your right I do want to try!

    This thread is funny though, as I am also an only child. I had a great childhood and as Bitterpure said above, as only children ourselves we know that our upbringing did not damage us in any way and in fact we thrived because of it. I know this!! I just wish that DS had cousins close by. I feel sick with jealousy at times when I see big families together. Not because I want it for me, but because I want it for my son. It's the guilt factor at play I suppose.

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    I could of writtern that exact same post myself Anemone. For six years I battled servere endometriosis, had multiple operations and then resorted to IVF and eventually we were blessed with our daughter. So many points in your post were me to a Tee. Finances, career, a challenging baby (severe silent reflux), age and the thought of entering IVF again truly makes me sick to the pit of my stomach. A friend recently underwent IVF and I went with her one day to the clinic, I felt overwhelmed walking into the clinic and very teary. It was very emotional indeed. Now alot of friends are having baby number two, and I feel caught between a rock and the hard place. DH and I did write down the pros and cons, but in reality it is not financially viable, with such a big morgage, and age is not on our side either. It's tough but it really is the best decision for us personally to say no, and just be happy and grateful for the little miracle we have.

    SG xx

  14. #20
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    I spent years hoping I could convince DH that 2 would be better after the first then 3 after the second and so on until I was content.


    I then spent 8 months dealing with anxieties over possible csection. Ended up with an emergency csection with complications meaning 1 contraction could kill me. The thought of another csection scares me more then a possible one. So every few weeks I stop and tell myself why I can't have another.

    But with us both on pensions I doubt we could afford another anyway.


 

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