Oh no Bertie, I'm so sorry
Oh no Bertie, I'm so sorry
@dgl: is your scan this week? Hope it goes well.
@twosouls: thinking of you. Hope your scan gives you a peace of mind.
AFM, we are still grieving. I know it doesn't help but i couldn't stop wondering what went wrong. I couldn't stop blaming myself for couple of things that might have caused the miscarriage. I feel like it is my egg problem rather than DH -- poor responder doesn't produce good quality eggs. Non-motile sperms have lower fertilization rate but not zero. I wish i produce more eggs so they could have savaged more sperms for ICSI. I need to learn how to let go but it is just hard....i stopped the pessaries and AF is coming and i was warned that it will be a very heavy one.
Anyway, DH brought up the donor himself for the first time. I can tell that it hurts him very much to say it. I thought i would go with the donor without a blink but i just don't feel right. I have too many doubts. Mostly i feel sad to hurts hubby feeling and force him to raise a child that is not him.
I told my mom after the fact. I didn't want her opinions but she said them out anyway. Kinda regret to tell her now. I wanted her to know so she doesn't blame me for not visiting the family and relatives since last year. Well i guess hubby and i will do whatever we want.
Yes scan today - I'm so nervous. I don't feel pregnant at all and if it wasn't for a few positive blood tests and hpt I wouldn't believe it. Please please please let the little one be ok in there!
Twosouls, how are you? Haven't heard from you in a while.
Bertie, how are you coping?
Bb, I am so sorry once again for your loss. It would be so difficult for both of you. I remember when DH and I were told that our only option was donor. I was in denial for so long. I thought no way I want to have someone else's child, no way I would want DH to have to raise a child that wasn't his. I thought I'd agree to donor embryo or adoption before donor sperm. It took us a few months grieving just for us to come to terms with the reality. The clinic here offered counselling and we honestly believed there's nothing they could say to make it any different. But we went along anyway just coz. Thought we'd go once, close the chapter and then look at adoption. Or a life without kids.
I cannot recommend the counselling enough. They are professionals and they have seen and heard it all before. The biggest thing was we were both able to say how we felt without being worried about upsetting the other. Our counsellor was Iolanda Rodino at concept fertility - but she has her own rooms and does private counselling as well (her website is perthivf.com). She didn't try to coax us into or force us into anything. Just let us talk through our grief and come to our own decision. And once we looked at donor as an option she really made us understand about it all, have us lotsof reading material etc. and we are here now and very happy to be here. Donor is not for everyone, and we still do feel sad about not being able to use DH sperm, but we couldn't be happier to hopefully have a little bun on its way to us after 3 long years.
Sorry for rambling, but I could feel the heartache in your post and I really related to it and remembered how I felt at the beginning. Hopefully our story gives you a little hope. This may be the end of one journey, but it's the beginning of a whole new one - whatever you decide to do and whenever you decide to embark on it. Look after yourselves.
MGC Bertie (10-01-2014)
I would also like to say that without Iolanda we wouldn't be here. She was absolutely amazing and went above and beyond the call of duty for us. I do recommend giving her a ring.
Called Iolanda. But wont get in until next month. So hoping to have a place to talk.
MGC Bertie (11-01-2014)
Yes she does get booked up quickly. Hang in there bb.
Bertie and bbhope I am so so sorry for what you both have been going through 😞 my heart breaks for you's.
Bertie sounds like you have the next step planned out. It's good that you are staying focused and moving forward. I hope things with your sister work out.
Bbhope I'm sorry for your early mc. Do you have a frozen one left? Having someone to talk to who is trained in this are will do the world of good. Thinking of you and your DH.
Well I have been off line for a little while. I've had a few hiccups on the way. They picked up a subchrionic blood clot at my first scan. At 9+2 I woke up in a pool of blood. Rushed down and got an emergency scan and everything was fine thankfully. That night the bleeding got a lot worse. I've never seen so much blood. Lucky I was booked in to see my FS the next day so I got another scan then to check again. I'm now 10+6 and had another bleed last night. I had my first ob appointment today so he checked it again and it was moving all around so couldn't get a very good picture. He never measured it so hopefully it's growing ok.
I have my 12 week scan next Friday so I just pray I make without anymore bleeding and everything is how it should be. The sight of blood is never nice. He said I'm not out the woods until I make it pass the 12 week mark. So fingers crossed everything is ok.
MGC Bertie (16-01-2014)
Glad to hear from you twosouls. You have a strong bub. FX that everything goes smoothly! It must be scary to see the blood! While i was in a different situation but even seeing tiny blood spot had made me unease.
Yes we have a frozen one left (thankfully). It was a slow developer and almost didn't make it to freeze. Sure, we aren't giving up on this one but we try not to keep our hope up. Perhaps too afraid to get crushed again. It really depends on if it will survive the thaw. The chance is so slim. We were pretty much holding all hope onto this little trooper but a beautiful hatching blast just quit for no reason.
I am starting to investigate on the auto immu issue. I dont want to waste another good looking embryo because my body prob. Perhaps this is my first preg and noticed a lot of changes on my body. I did have funny feeling in my uterus (sharp pain in the uterus not abdomen every now and then like the feeling you get when one has blood clot that is getting out during period). So it is like rejecting it. I know this all might sound silly but at the time i just thought that my uterus is trying to make room.
we are so down because we feel like the chance is so slim and we don't have many trials for ivf with our own embryo.
Anyway, hubby and i need a vacation. I have plenty business trips coming up. Now if only i can focus on my work. Who knows if i will have a job after august.
Twosouls... I'm so sorry that things aren't going as smoothly as anyone would like. That must be very scary, and I can imagine that you are on edge the whole time. I hope everything will be fine and that the next scan is all good.
AFM... my sister is still happy to donate her eggs, so we'll put a few things in place and organise the massive amounts of counselling it requires.
Bertie: very glad to hear you are moving forward!
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