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  1. #1
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    Default Unsupportive partner

    I have been having a real hard time of it lately, no more than any other other pregnant woman out there, but hard all the same.


    This is my first baby, and I'm 32 weeks. I'm working full time as the primary income earner, I am studying part-time, trying to wrap up my studies in the next 6 weeks.


    I've got bad oedema in my hands, feet and face, constant pain /numbness in my upper abdomen (feels like a Chinese burn), sleep apnea resulting in tiredness because I keep waking up from lack of breath, Carpel Tunnel (pregnancy related) resulting in sore, aching finger joints and inability to grasp things, back pain (from pre-existing prolapsed disc). As well as the other normal pregnancy ailments - round ligament pain, emotional / physical /mental exhaustion, heartburn, painful varicose veins, sore breasts, sore abdomen, constant need to pee etc.


    And then there's the lack of support - last night I asked my partner what was wrong - of course he said nothing (there's nothing I hate more than nothing) and then I guessed exactly what it was (men are open books) ... The issue is he said 'all you talk about is how much pain you are in and how uncomfortable you are, and it makes me not want to be at home so I go out'.


    Wow! I was shocked! Talk about lack of support. I wish I could go out and then the pain and uncomfortableness and exhaustion and utter burn out would go away. But no, it's endless.


    The worst thing is, he is all about me as the mum and him as the dad being the only people to be involved in the pregnancy / birth and yet I have felt so unsupported during the pregnancy that I worry he won't be very good support person during the birth and I am beginning to want someone else there, someone who can understand how hard this is, a woman!


    Don't get me wrong I know that most men are clueless when it comes to women's business but I just can't believe how selfish he is acting. I thought he would be more supportive.


    It's all about him, his needs. He said he's sorry for how he has acted (once I had burst into tears), he said he doesn't know how to help me - I suggested making dinner, cleaning the house, doing the shopping, massaging my feet (for longer than a minute)... He said 'okay just tell me what to do and I'll do it'... I wish he could just see what needs to be done and offer to do it! But I guess that's a big ask.


    I worry so much about when the baby arrives, and I am under no delusions that I will do 90% of the work. He wants me to go back to work straight away so he can be the stay at home dad, but I guarantee if that were to happen I'd be the primary income earner and the house slave - as well as still needing to breast feed etc.


    I don't know why I'm writing this I guess I just need someone to talk to...


    I'd also like to know if there is anyone out there whose partner didn't want anyone else at the birth but you felt as a woman you needed someone else there who could understand? What did you do, did you bring a support person despite your partners objection? Did you not bring a support person and regret the decision?


    Are men as useless during child birth and parenting as they are during pregnancy?

  2. #2
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    Wow! What a tough time you are going through pregnancy related.

    I can't really help you about the support person as it was just hubby & I. However he really didn't do much (my choice) as I wanted to focus & breath etc.
    Just having him hold my hand as I pushed was enough for me.

    Also men are selfish, my husband is a lot & I have to ask him all the time to help & he does with no problem but I think they just don't see a messy house like we do etc. Or maybe I was to good to him for too long.

    Is your hubby working?

    Good luck, I'm sure things will work out & he just doesn't understand it all. It's all new to him too.

    I would suggest going to birthing classes as this may help in his understanding x

  3. #3
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    Yes I think most men are not very understanding well I have one like that too. But my partner didn't even have a say in who was at the birth and he didn't care as it was my choice I was going to be the one going thru all that pain so I had my sister come along and was glad I did because she was more understanding and got me thru I think some men just have no idea lol. I feel for you having to go straight back to work how long will you get off? I didn't breastfeed but I think it will be a bit tuff breastfeeding and returning to work very soon.I hope it all works out for you

  4. #4
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    oh hun you poor thing! I hate to say it, but your hubby will be in for a big surprise once bubby is here. babies are very demanding, not to mention you are tired from sleep deprivation. Does he not want to work? I think it's selfish him wanting you back to work straight away, that would not sit well with me. you need time to rest and bond with baby. Do you have family and friends close by? I think getting more support from even your mum or best friend etc will be a real help.

  5. #5
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    Allymumtobe is offline Winner 2012 - Most Optimistic Poster
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    First off, massive huge hugs from cyber love land!

    My DH was very much like this while I was pregnant at first. It took us 2.5yrs to fall pregnant and he would say when I said I felt sick/exhausted/sore/hurting/frustrated "all you do is complain, you wanted to get pregnant, stop whinging now you are" etc he never understood that I didn't want him to "fix it" I wanted him to acknowledge that this was hard/scary/ painful and that I was doing a good job to cope!

    He also had this "I'll be a stay at home dad and play games all day" delusion! Because like you I am the earner (he has a job just doesn't pay the mortgage etc) and the house slave as you put it!

    He also hated that I involved other people in our pregnancy but we are young it was our first baby I needed the outside support of other women so I just did it. I had my mum, sisters and his sisters and friends. Even if it was just "yeah that happened to me while I was pregnant" type sympathy it helps.

    As for birth etc i can't really comment as we had a bad diagnosis with our baby and DH and all our family really stepped up and helped me labour. In the end it was just DH and I and he was strong and amazing when our son was born and a huge support to me.

    But I don't know if it would have been the same if our son hasn't had his diagnosis etc to shake dh into place.

    I hope you can make your DH even through a letter understand this is hard and scary for you and you need him to be more. You understand that you complain alot but there is only so much you can do alone and maybe relist the things that could help you cope better.

    Even online here at bubhub you can find alot of emotional support so I hope this helps a little

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    Big hugs! The only advice I have I guess is to remember that this is your physical journey and if you feel you need someone else you should seek them. Your partner needs to understand that he is not the one who has to do all the work so your wishes come first at the birth xx

    I hope he picks up his feet for ypu soon x

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    Hmm...you know, it was only a couple of hundred years ago that men had absolutely no place in the birthing of children...in western society anyways. I would be happy to have my male partner at my labour...well, I had a c-section anyway...but I would not be happy to have my partner with me if I felt like I he was trying to control the experience. I am feeling so angry on your behalf!!

    Your partner's only concern about the birth should be what you need!!

    And, what is it with some men these days who think that they can order their partners straight back out to work after having a baby?

    I think it is fine to be a working Mum and to have Mr Mum at home but not if it doesn't feel like a choice...not of you are feeling forced into it by your partner...sheesh!!

    I feel like this is happening more and more in modern relationships...Is this what feminism has done for us?

    Now we can have babies, and work to financially support babies and the disenfranchised "man-babies"at home too?

    Meh, sorry, I clearly feel a little angry about this, not sure why because my partner is pretty good but...I would encourage you to.speak up and tell your DP what you would want to happen at your labour...and then negotiate from there...if you have negotiate...this is your body, your experience...and it will be your boobs feeding the baby...I just cannot see how you can return to work immediately if you are going to breast feed...thankfully Daddy does not have boobs!!
    Last edited by Albert01; 06-05-2013 at 13:04.

  8. #8
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    He is being incredibly selfish. He should be taking care of you, instead he's acting like a child who needs to be told what to do.

    If it were me I'd tell him that he needs to step up and do the right thing, as you need to be able to trust and respect him. He should also have some empathy for what you are going through. I suggest insisting on Counseling. It's well worth it.

  9. #9
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    Default Than you

    Thank you for everyone's response.


    I appreciate it and I really do need that extra push (and support) to take ownership over the birth experience.


    He has said to me in the past if I invite someone else to the birth (a support person) he won't come. I think that's really manipulative, as of course I want my partner to be at the birth of his child, but I also want to know I'll have someone else there of the female gender to really support me. I have been at the birth of my sister and I understand how intense the experience can be. I don't think he realises this.


    Not knowing what to expect of my birthing experience makes it challenging to know how to prepare, but I have a friend who I feel would be a great support person. I think I will be considering her to attend as well as my partner. I know he will be upset but I really think I'll need some else to give him a break, massage me, empower me etc. He will still be my advocate, hand holder etc. From my experience men always want to solve, and can't just be there with you, being understanding. He doesn't understand that he doesn't need to 'fix' everything, he only needs to be there. I fear that during the birth he will be too protective and upset by the pain I might be going through. I mean here's a guy who thinks I should have an elective c-section because why would I want to put myself through 'unnecessary' pain?!!! I've tried to explain that if I had a c-section not only would I be quite ineffectual (and in pain) in the 6 weeks following but also the benefits of a naturally delivered baby... I don't even bother anymore.


    As for returning to work, he does work but only part time as he has been unsuccessful at securing a full time position in the current climate in Queensland. Although he would prefer to be the stay at home dad, I have informed him that I won't be going back to work for at least 8 months. I have been waiting years for my first baby and there is no way I am missing out on the first year of its life.


    I agree with you Albert01, I am angry too. During this pregnancy I have realised what it is to be a woman, and I do not believe that men can for even a moment understand the job of making a baby nor the connection between mother and child. Additionally I believe the 'sisterhood' relationship between women is incredibly important, especially during experiences like pregnancy.


    Anyway thanks for responding everyone.


    x


 

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