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  1. #11
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    I would be soooooo upset if this were me. I had a bf once who was sweet as pie and reliable and sensitive and all of those things, but as soon as he had his second beer, any promises he made to me about the night would be broken. He simply could not control himself where alcohol was involved. I can't tell you the number of nights I was stuck out with him at 5 or 6 in the morning when I had to go to work that day because he had broken his promises of staying for an hour only, or just a drink, or, yes, even I won't drink I just need to pop in...

    So I know how you feel, and I imagine (big assumption here) that although this specific day was a very important time for you, it probably isn't the first time where your DH's use of alcohol/weed has affected you. I imagine this is why he has reacted how he has - perhaps out of guilt or fear or shame. But you have every right to be feeling abandoned and disappointed, and to express that. As to whether it's acceptable or forgivable, only you can make that choice.

    I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope that your healing can continue..

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    PinkSmarties  (03-05-2013)

  3. #12
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    He is emotionally manipulating you into thinking you are overreacting so as to excuse his behaviour. Have a read of this:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar..._b_958859.html

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  5. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkSmarties View Post
    Ultimately it's not even the fact he didn't come home or whatever that I'm annoyed about. It's the fact that I'm not allowed to feel the way I do about it and he doesn't think he has done anything wrong, I'm just over-reacting and being controlling..
    He may not understand how you're feeling but he should make an effort to understand. I think some people think that if you lose a baby, you forget about it. They don't understand that you're constantly grieving. Whether or not he agrees with the way you feel or understands the way you feel, he should at least pretend to understand. For your sake. He should have still been there for you.

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    And don't let him make you feel bad or make you question your reaction. You're not in the wrong. He is.

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  9. #15
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    I'd actually reconsider my entire relationship if my husband took off for 30 hours (and took drugs) while I grieved by myself.
    Sorry. Absolutely abhorrent behaviour

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  11. #16
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    His response to your feelings strikes me as defensive. He knows he did wrong. He knows you have the right to feel as you do. But instead of manning up and apologising, he is trying to hide from it and flip it round on you. If he can make you feel guilty about feeling the way you do, he can pretend to forgive you, and that will justify his behaviour.
    My ex was wonderful at this sort of thing.

    Sent from my GT-I9100 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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    Quote Originally Posted by faroutbrusselsprout View Post
    I'd actually reconsider my entire relationship if my husband took off for 30 hours (and took drugs) while I grieved by myself.
    Sorry. Absolutely abhorrent behaviour
    ^^ this! I think you should consider if you really want this inconsiderate, manipulative and dishonest man to be the father of your kids. I also have ZERO drug tolerance, even worse when the consumer lies direct to your face about it.
    So sorry about your bub, hugs to you xx

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    PinkSmarties  (03-05-2013)

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    This breaches so many of the boundaries of our relationship I can't even count them! I wouldn't consider this behaviour acceptable on a good day, let alone a significant day where I really needed my hubby.

    I'm so sorry for your loss

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  17. #19
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    The smoking of weed and cigarettes is a no go for me. Esp when TTC, and with the prospect of starting a family. I would be annoyed and I'd have to say- he'd have to choose. It's just a no go zone.

    The going to the concert. That might have been how he wished to deal with the death of both of your baby. But, he SHOULD have told you this. I'm assuming you communicated how important this day was to you, and I think he should have given consideration to that fact when making his plans. Fair enough if his idea of remembering the baby's EDD was not what your idea was, but he should have spoken up before hand. At least than you could have made arrangements so you could grieve with your BFF or Mum or someone.

    So, yes- I would be annoyed at certain aspects of the situation.

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  19. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkSmarties View Post
    Ultimately it's not even the fact he didn't come home or whatever that I'm annoyed about. It's the fact that I'm not allowed to feel the way I do about it and he doesn't think he has done anything wrong, I'm just over-reacting and being controlling..
    I totally understand this. My DH often tells me that I am over-reacting and that I should not be so dramatic. He seems to think that because he does not think a situation warrants emotion, I should be the same. I often have to remind him that I am allowed to be upset when things upset me.

    I would be pretty upset if I was in your situation. Angry and hurt. I am really sorry for your loss. I too would expect my DH to be with me at such a time, and I would expect support and love from him.

    I get that perhaps he is dealing with his own distress in his own way, but it was a loss that effected both of you. I would think that you would be with each other to support each other.

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