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  1. #1
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    Default Dealing with a controlling ex

    I'm wondering how others deal with their ex partners controlling behaviour after they have split up. I'm finding it hard to find a place to live and my ex has found me somewhere and is letting me keep the car and all our possessions most people would think he is being generous, gracious etc... But I believe this is further emotional manipulation. Maybe I'm just losing it a little. I just don't want to feel like I owe him. He has been so controlling of me for so many years and I just need to have a clean break from him. I'm also worried that he will continue to manipulate me after we're split he's already asking who's going to be at a social event I'm going to in a few weeks? Will there be men there? Etc.. Sorry for the ramble I'm just so anxious at the moment.

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    It's hard to say without knowing your situation personally. I do think gut feelings are often very accurate. Also, if it were me, I would want to have a clean break, if only to feel more independent. If your ex has controlling tendencies, I would worry that his 'letting you' keep possessions would be a conditional rather than unconditional gesture. Are you comfortable that he knows where you are living?

    But, as I said, you know your situation best. Trust your instinct and stay safe.

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    if you keep the place, make sure you have all the locks changed...make sure it is your own place and you can feel secure there.

    don't engage in conversation about what you are doing...it is hard but just make sure all communication is about the kids.

    get a counsellor for yourself...to help you draw some boundary lines and learn how to control them.

    mostly, stay safe and trust yourself.

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    My ex is exactly the same, we were together over 3 years, even after a year of being split, I still see it happening, we've only recently started talking again, because I had to get a restraining order against him because he was still trying to control me even though he kicked me out and I was living 5 hours away at mum n dads, I only took what I could fit in my car( but I have brought everything all over again)
    if u need to talk pm me I know what your going through


    Mumma to Connor - 25/8/2011
    And bub #2 due - 24/8/2013

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    We're still living together. He won't leave. I'm trying to find somewhere. I want him gone but I'm too scared to tell him. He knows it's over and we're trying to be civil but he is drinking every night. I hate this. I know he won't hurt me but I feel like every day I'm around him I'm getting weaker. I don't understand how I can keep him out if my life as we have children together. I just feel like I have failed life at the moment. I can't talk to anyone because I haven't told anyone he's emotionally abusive. To everyone I'm leaving due to his drinking, gambling issues. I just don't want anyone to worry about me.

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    You must tell people. Tell friends, family, anyone you trust. It's important people know so they can support you and to help you feel less trapped and less weak. Not wanting people to worry about you is not a reason to not tell people.

    Surround yourself in people that care about you and your children. Do it as soon as you can.

  7. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to babyla For This Useful Post:

    gonnabeaGR8mum  (28-04-2013),VanityFey  (28-04-2013)

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    I agree. Please tell someone, particularly as you have children. People who drink to excess can be unpredictable. It can be distressing for children to see a parent out if control. I'm not trying to guilt you - I understand how difficult it is. Emotional abuse chips away at your self esteem until you are a shell of who you used to be.

    You are worthy of having someone worry about you.

    And please, please, please if you feel unsafe, get out of there to a shelter or call the cops.

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    Quote Originally Posted by babyla View Post
    You must tell people. Tell friends, family, anyone you trust. It's important people know so they can support you and to help you feel less trapped and less weak. Not wanting people to worry about you is not a reason to not tell people.

    Surround yourself in people that care about you and your children. Do it as soon as you can.
    This exactly ^^^^^

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    I honestly do not know why I can't tell people. I think I'm embarrassed. I also don't want people to think poorly of him. I know how I sound too. I feel so pathetic. I think the main thing is that he doesn't realise he is abusive. He is so messed up. I will tell people after I've moved out. I'm worried it will make everything worse if I tell people. I also know lots of people won't believe me about him being abusive. They'll think I'm crazy and being vindictive.

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    It's not up to you to protect him. You are allowed to have a support network and you are allowed to not care about them judging him. Try to tell at least 1 person that you know you can trust, can you tell your parents?


 

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