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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by littleolive View Post
    i find it so interesting and sad that so many women have the idea in their heads that they are allowing ''their'' child to spend time with it's father, how about the father allowing the child to be with the mother, no one ever seems have that to add, you would not be sending your child somewhere they would be with their father, the person other than a childs mother who should have equal rights,
    I have only quoted you because i find it interesting people having this opinion, please do not take it personally, i am in no way having a go at you just frustrated at the way people think, especially in this case where the child is not even born and has not yet formed a routine or bond with either parent it saddens me that people think the rights should automatically go to the mother.
    OP i do not know you, your EX or your situation but if your babies father does want to be involved in the child's life i strongly urge you to think about how you would feel if it was reversed and you were told you can have a certain amount of time with your child each week ''small frequent visits''
    a mother and father should have have as much right as each other to be equally involved in their child's lives.
    DP and i have discussed and in the very unlikely event we were to ever break up we would share custody of our children equally, i know how i would feel if someone told me i was only allowed to spend a few hours each week with my child and it breaks my heart thinking about it, i know that is how DP would feel and despite what ever we felt for each other if we broke up we would not let that affect out kids.
    I hope everything works out for you, i can imagine it would be a very stressful situation to be in.
    That's great that IF you were in a similar position that you and your pretend ex could have an amicable relationship. Unfortunately in the real world this isn't the case and there can be a lot of extenuating circumstances.

    It saddens me when people who appear to have never been in the situation described feel that they can give an "informed" opinion.

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  3. #12
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    I too believe the father has right, BUT to access those rights he has responsibilities, the same as I.
    If I were drinking/drug taking (for example) I would expect someone to take my child away, so I am wondering why it would be any different.

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  5. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by thepouts View Post
    That's great that IF you were in a similar position that you and your pretend ex could have an amicable relationship. Unfortunately in the real world this isn't the case and there can be a lot of extenuating circumstances.

    It saddens me when people who appear to have never been in the situation described feel that they can give an "informed" opinion.
    My DP was in the exact same situation when his baby was born,
    he had no reason not to have equal time with his newborn baby other than
    his ex wouldn't allow it, far from kidnapping there is nothing the law will do to help/stop one parent from seeing their child, we have our ''pretend'' break up situation planned for for the sake of our kids.

    Quote Originally Posted by crankyoldcow View Post
    Oh dear. I will clarify what I meant. My exdh was very abusive towards me and had a tendency to also lash out at the children and neglect them (not feed etc). Personally in my situation I would never send a child overnight before they can talk well enough to let me know what is going on so can assess how safe it is to send them. Actually this was one factor (ie fear of what would happen when I wasn't around) that kept me a toxic relationship way longer than I should have. I can appreciate not everyone is in this situation though.

    I
    I can completely understand this, as a mother you want to do what ever you can to protect your children so in your situation i can understand.
    my point is more for parents who have drug/alcohol problems or are abusive, just two good parents wanting whats best for their children.

  6. #14
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    In my experience most (not all, but most) fathers are more than happy to not have the responsibility that goes with being an equal parent. My ex, and plenty of other single dads I know, have zero interest in making school arrangements, helping with homework, kids' shoe shopping, arranging swimming lessons, co-ordinating play dates, buying school uniforms, paying the excursion levy, chasing missing library books, labeling lunch containers, listening to reading, buying yet another school hat when the latest one gets lost, sending back permission slips, making sure she doesn't watch too much tv, enforcing time limits on computer games, ensuring she eats a balanced diet, saying no to mcdonalds every night, arranging before and after school care, racing to after care after work every day........ Shall I go on??

    Oh but he's more than happy to attend parent teacher interviews where the teacher tells us what an excellent student she is and he'll smile smugly when the teacher says "she's a credit to you".

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  8. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by shelle65 View Post
    Oh but he's more than happy to attend parent teacher interviews where the teacher tells us what an excellent student she is and he'll smile smugly when the teacher says "she's a credit to you".

    Describes what I know of separated fathers (from RL situations) too. They want the credit and to look like the ideal father, but they don't want to take any of the responsibility that comes with that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by littleolive View Post
    i find it so interesting and sad that so many women have the idea in their heads that they are allowing ''their'' child to spend time with it's father, how about the father allowing the child to be with the mother, no one ever seems have that to add, you would not be sending your child somewhere they would be with their father, the person other than a childs mother who should have equal rights,
    I have only quoted you because i find it interesting people having this opinion, please do not take it personally, i am in no way having a go at you just frustrated at the way people think, especially in this case where the child is not even born and has not yet formed a routine or bond with either parent it saddens me that people think the rights should automatically go to the mother.
    OP i do not know you, your EX or your situation but if your babies father does want to be involved in the child's life i strongly urge you to think about how you would feel if it was reversed and you were told you can have a certain amount of time with your child each week ''small frequent visits''
    a mother and father should have have as much right as each other to be equally involved in their child's lives.
    DP and i have discussed and in the very unlikely event we were to ever break up we would share custody of our children equally, i know how i would feel if someone told me i was only allowed to spend a few hours each week with my child and it breaks my heart thinking about it, i know that is how DP would feel and despite what ever we felt for each other if we broke up we would not let that affect out kids.
    I hope everything works out for you, i can imagine it would be a very stressful situation to be in.
    Oh wouldn't be nice if reality didn't get in the way.

    Also it is not about the fathers rights, it is the child's rights. As someones whose ex ran off with my children on two occasions I would be happy if he never saw them again!

  10. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by littleolive View Post
    i find it so interesting and sad that so many women have the idea in their heads that they are allowing ''their'' child to spend time with it's father, how about the father allowing the child to be with the mother, no one ever seems have that to add, you would not be sending your child somewhere they would be with their father, the person other than a childs mother who should have equal rights,
    I have only quoted you because i find it interesting people having this opinion, please do not take it personally, i am in no way having a go at you just frustrated at the way people think, especially in this case where the child is not even born and has not yet formed a routine or bond with either parent it saddens me that people think the rights should automatically go to the mother.
    OP i do not know you, your EX or your situation but if your babies father does want to be involved in the child's life i strongly urge you to think about how you would feel if it was reversed and you were told you can have a certain amount of time with your child each week ''small frequent visits''
    a mother and father should have have as much right as each other to be equally involved in their child's lives.
    DP and i have discussed and in the very unlikely event we were to ever break up we would share custody of our children equally, i know how i would feel if someone told me i was only allowed to spend a few hours each week with my child and it breaks my heart thinking about it, i know that is how DP would feel and despite what ever we felt for each other if we broke up we would not let that affect out kids.
    I hope everything works out for you, i can imagine it would be a very stressful situation to be in.
    I do agree with you about a father having rights, I don't like when people keep fathers away from children (except in cases like crankycow) either.

    But how is a father supposed to have equal time with a newborn who is breastfed? Or do you also propose the child be formula or mixed fed just so the dad can have equal share?

    My exDH had an affair and left me while I was pregnant with our second child. I give him the chance to see DS1 2-3 times every week, a lot more than is common (he doesn't always take it though) because I think it's important for DS1 to see his dad regularly.

    But there's not a snowballs chance in hell he would be getting equal share of DS2 at only 8wks old and fully b/f. Not to mention he LEFT us before DS2 was even born, and I've since found out his new g/f is pregnant. So no, he wouldn't get equal share and nor would he even want it I suspect. I fight him to the grave if he tried though for a newborn.

  11. #18
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    Also littleolive, I really hope you never break up with your partner because you will find reality is a lot different.

    It's easy now to say you both agree with 50% shared care for the kids. But it's completely different when the day comes, and you go from seeing your babies every day to only half a week. Or one week on and one week off. You miss your kids incredibly.

    I absolutely hate having to share care now, through selfish decisions my DH made. I do it for DS1 of course, but constantly resent DH for making me spend less time with my son.

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  13. #19
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    Littleolive, have you had a baby? It sounds to me like you have no idea how much an infant needs its mother. For the first few months, if the baby is breastfed, it needs to feed around every two to three hours, for up to an hour each time. Some babies do this until they are 6 months or older- day and night. Biologically, babies need their mothers. As Pesca said, it is about the rights of the child, not its parents.

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    I am not in this situation so can't really comment however my parents are separated and although i was older when it happened my sister was only 10. Due to her age legally my mum and dad were able to have equal time with her but i can tell you now that a GIRL going through puberty needs to be spending the majority of time with her MOTHER!!! I have seen first hand the damage it has done not being given the time with my mum that she needed purely because my dad was being greedy and wanted joint custody.

    At the end of the day a father with never compare when it comes to nurturing, motherly instincts and children need that. Hence why i strongly believe children of any age need to be with their mum majority of the time.


 

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