Something has come up for me today that I need help with.
I suffered a huge hurt a few years ago. Details aren't necessary, only that it was totally unexpected, bewildering, humiliating, I cried in front of them and I spent a fair while afterwards very confused about it. I went through a range of emotions...
and it wasn't until I learned to cut them away and not feel guilty about it that I came out of the dark place I was in and became at peace with the situation.
So. I haven't seen them for a few years. Life has been good without them in it. One of the people involved had pulled this sort of thing in the past and I'd ignored it as I wanted to keep the peace but her absence made me feel liberated. It was like removing a toxin from my body. Following the incident with her and her cohort, I developed a one strike you're out policy whereby I refused to accept anymore crap because I wanted people in my life who genuinely cared about me, not pretenders.
Now I've been asked to forgive them.
The people involved haven't come forward asking this, I've been asked to be the "bigger person", to say sorry and forgive them anyway and accept that sh*t happens and just move on. I admit I am confused by this request.
Thing is, I thought I had forgiven them. I have moved on. I have relinquished all blame and have let it all go. When I think of them now I no longer feel shame or embarrassment or anger. I just feel sorry for them really if I feel anything for them at all. The incident is a distant memory. I just don't want them back in my life. My DH, for his part, knows them and doesn't want them anywhere near us. But when I was asked this question today, I found myself saying no, no, no. I was surprised how quickly this defence mechanism rose up in me so I've been thinking on it a bit.
What I want to know is this:
1. Is it forgiveness when you've moved on and yet don't want them back in your life?
2. Do I have to be "the bigger person"? Does complying with this request actually make me a bigger person? (Really stumped on this one).
3. Am I a lesser person if I decline the offer and stick with the status quo?
All comments are welcome. I value them all.