Let me start by saying I battled severe mental health issues as an adolescent. I dug my way out of a hole every mental health expert had said I would never get out of.
So fast forward 10 years and 3 babies (2nd baby boy passed 2 hours after birth) and I am falling apart in a way I never thought I would again.
Love being a mum and my DS4 and DD7 weeks are my everything and everyone tells me what an exceptional mother I am. My DD sleeps through the night already. But the rest of my life is cr*p. I do not trust anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I don't feel anything but hatred for my husband and I won't have anything to do with any of my family (except for my parents as they can see I am struggling and force me to interact).
My biggest stress and issue at the moment is the fact that when we lost our son all I could do with him was hold him in my arms while he passed. Watching each breath get smaller and smaller. I didn't get to care for my baby. Didn't feed him or bath him or wrap him in a swaddle. Now I have my baby girl, my rainbow baby and I can't let any small portion of her care be taken care of by anybody.
If she so much as whimpers I am a emotional wreck. We are talking complete break down. She is not allowed to cry. I couldn't do anything for my son when he was born and passed so how dare I lose any opportunity to care for my daughter.
No one is allowed to hold her and it doesn't help that on the odd occasion I have let my husband hold her she won't let anyone hold her anyway. When everyone in the family had the obligatory first hold when they visited us I had panic attacks and even just thinking about people taking her I panic.
I am also gravely aware of the fact that after my years of issues as a teenager I have come out the other side with zero social skills and absolutely no friends. So every time I feel sad or depressed or anxious I have no one to turn to. I am just lost.
Now I realise I am slipping and I realise I have issues but I am trying to fix them. I drag my family and dog out every afternoon for a walk around the local park. My main thing I need to get over is my lack of social skills . I just know that if I had friends to have a cuppa with I would not be as lonely and things would not fester.
So I guess I am writing this to vent mainly and also am I write in thinking the anxiousness, panic attacks and depression is PND? My next midwife appointment is in a little over 2 weeks so I will let her know how I feel then and get help if she feels I need it.
Like a said probably mainly a vent. Hope this is the write area to write in.