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  1. #1
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    Default Struggling with becoming a first time mum

    I find this to be a hard thing to verbalize because i feel like everyone around me who has kids took to it quite naturally, but i'm having a hard time adjusting to motherhood. I don't have any help, it's just me and DH, and i feel very literally trapped at home. I tried taking my daughter out with me to get basic day to day things done like grocery shopping or going to the post office, these trips went pretty badly with her screaming constantly and i eventually gave up and resigned to just asking my DH to do these things for me while i remained 'imprisoned' at home. I've become a very unpleasant combination of sad, angry and resentful, i miss my former life a lot, so much that some days i wonder if i just wasn't cut out to be a mother. Do other people feel like this? Did anyone else feel like this at the beginning and then things changed for them? I have tried talking to my DH about this, about maybe giving me some time to go to the gym, or clothes shopping, or basically just having some time to do things just for me so i feel less trapped and he agrees, but then when i try to schedule time to do those things he gets mad at me saying that he works all day and is tired too and needs down time as well so i end up just looking after our daughter day and night and crying myself to sleep because i feel so unhappy. Please share with me some advice

  2. #2
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    Ok, WHO ARE YOU?! DID YOU READ MY DIARY?!

    Yes hun, totally been there. It was reeeaally hard for me to come to terms with it all. Dont wanna scare you, but it took me nearly 4 years to start to feel like myself again, BUT i had a pretty severe case of post natal depression!

    Yes he works and yes he needs down time. But so do you. More so, i think! He at least gets to come home from work - you live it 24/7 with no escape!!

    My advice, talk to your doctor about how overwhelmed you are feeling, and if your DH wont pick up the slack so you can leave the house at least once a week, then arrange a baby sitter or friend/relative to.

    **HUGS** huge big hugs to you!!
    Being a mummy is hard, but it will get better. I promise.

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    Hi there, firstly big hugs!
    Adjusting to motherhood is very hard. When I had my ds it took me a very long time to adjust, to bond & fall in love with him and with motherhood. I found myself depressed, crying continually and even asking my dp if we could give ds up for adoption as I felt i wasn't cut out to be a mother :/ I had no help either, and it's hard.
    My advise is to stick it out, it gets easier and motherhood becomes so very very enjoyable. The sleep deprivation makes everything seem worse than it is. My ds was a shocking sleeper from birth but would sleep on me or in pram. I would go for long long walks. I found this helped me feel less trapped within the house & ds slept the whole time. Even a walk in fresh air can make you feel suprisingly nice. Then I decided to give up on housework (coz realistically my house was spotless and it didnt need so much cleaning) and I would sit in the rocker and let ds sleep on me while I watched my fav movie and sat with my feet up. These things got me through the first 3 months. After 3 months things just fell into place.

    It does get easier, and so very very enjoyable! I'm sure you are an amazing mother!

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    How old is your daughter? I know this can be a sensitive subject but could you possibly be suffering from pnd? I did have similar feelings but mine came when I was pregnant, as horrible as it sounds I never wanted children (now i have 3 and would gladly have another if DH would let me lol) so every time I threw up or found another outfit wouldn't fit I cried and every now and then bitter resentment came over me. Then one night I started spotting and I realised that I wanted my child and guilt washed over me. In the end I was diagnosed with prenatal depression. The point of my long story is that even if people experience it at different stages of motherhood just about everyone will feel trapped and unhappy at some point you just need time but if it doesn't get any better look into talking to a professional

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    You sound exactly like me when I first had DS, it is a massive adjustment! I too have never had much support except from DH.

    Do you have a mothers group? I love the ladies of my mothers group and really helped when I was struggling and needed to talk and it was great to know I wasn't alone in my struggles.

    I agree with pp who said talk to your gp

    Hope things start looking better for you soon!

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    I think what you are feeling is entirely normal for a new Mum. I know that I personally felt like I was in this constant overwhelming state of anxiety. I certainly had many days where I missed being the old 'me' and like you, worried that I wasn't cut out for this whole motherhood thing. It is very hard in the beginning, especially being home on your own with a tiny baby all day long who doesn't necessarily want to sleep or feed properly. I also struggled with DS screaming etc when we went out and felt scared to breastfeed him in public too. I persisted with going out with him on my own though anyway - more so for my own sanity than anything else. I found getting out of the house at least once a day helped me to feel more 'me', even if it was just pushing DS in the pram for a short walk around the block. It forced me to get fully dressed and put some effort into my appearance which personally made me feel a lot better. Once DS was about 4 months old I had DH look after DS at home for just an hour or so every weekend whilst I went to the shops or out for coffee with a friend - just short breaks like that can really make all the difference. I found it hard to leave him alone with DH for long periods earlier than this as DH wasn't confident enough and DS was breastfeeding at random times all day long.

    Anyway, like PPs have said it DOES get easier. I know it's hard to believe that now but it's true. Those first 3-4 months were the absolute hardest for me. Just such a huge period of adjustment that impacts every aspect of life. There were many times where I cried when DS cried. By 6-7 months I found DS to be a joy to be around and I had regained some sense of myself again much to my relief.

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    I would also like to add, I am onto my 3rd baby and I still get overwhelmed and feel trapped so I make a point of once a month making a evening appointment with the hairdresser and leaving the kids with DH for a few hours while I get pampered. It is only a few hours each month but it really does make the world of difference

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    I suggest you give PANDA (the national PND service) or the local PND support service if you have one (the numbers will be in your baby 's record book,

    Talk to them about how you are feeling and they will be able to assess if you need further support.

    I am in the recovery phase of PND ATM. Last year for me was a shocker. However going to the PANDSI support group was one of the highlights of my week. There I could admit to having a crap week. There everyone else is not blissed out on motherhood either so you do not have to pretend like you do at regular mothers group. Those ladies were gorgeous they saw me through my lows and celebrated me coming out the other end.

    In the meantime try to get some you time once a day. Maybe your partner can bath bub and while he does that you can walk around the block. Go have a shower yourself (if possible), read a few pages of a book, etc .

    Babies are hard and they do not break if you leave them with dad for 30 minutes. I regularly remind my DH, you do not get down time from parenting. It's full on, while they are awake.

    My DS is 3.5 years old and DH still baths him, so when DD came along it was just another one for him to do. I look forward to those 10 minutes of me time everyday.

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    Been there too. I didn't cope either and returned to work when dd1 was 10wks old.

    I think you should start by just giving your baby to Dh and say you are going for a walk. Doesn't have to be a huge one 15-30min. Do it everyday but slowly increase the time. Pick first thing in the morning after a feed as the sun will help your hormones and so will the exercise.

    On weekends, go for a coffee by yourself or with a friend. Your Dh needs to get used to being alone with bub and you need your time.

  11. #10
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    Yes! I like to call it a hostage situation.

    It gets better though.

    Hang in there!


 

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