View Poll Results: Do you feel at all 'better' than those who have different fathers for their children?

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  • Yes, totally

    9 14.06%
  • A little

    10 15.63%
  • No, not at all

    45 70.31%
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  1. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by Theboys&me View Post
    Ms Truth - sorry if my post seemed directed at you, that wasn't my intention. I just meant from my personal experience I cringe a little inside when I hear others making massive statements when they are obviously in a great place because I see my old self in them.

    I work with children and I (and my exH) used to constantly reflect on the fact that our children would 'never' be disadvantaged by coming from a broken home (hence my internal cringing as in hindsight I know see the other side of the fence needn't be disadvantaged). Also my sister was separated and it was a little ugly between her and her ex in regards to the kids and my exH and I while still together talked about our feelings and how that would 'never' happen with us.

    What I'm getting at is that it never entered my mind for a millisecond that this was in my future. I would've bet my life on the fact that my exH and I were going to grow old together. I don't believe in the perfect couple either - but since our split others have referred to viewing us in this way. The worst part of it is that my exH was my favourite person in the world. I felt safe and secure, thought I was so fortunate to have someone so like minded. I thought I knew him inside out - right up until the moment I find out he was having an affair with my best friend while I was pregnant with our second child. Not a hint of trouble. Not a change of direction outwardly in our relationship. Not a loss of affection or sexual relations. Just one day we were the same as always - and then I found out and we weren't. There's not a lot I'd end a marriage over either. But that one did it for me. I still can't believe the 'my husband' could do that.
    Yep, our families still can't believe we split either. But it doesnt matter. The most important thing is that parents respect each other and put the welfare if the child(ren) first. That way, children really don't miss out on anything.

    People split for all sorts of reasons but likewise peoe stay together for all sorts of reasons. I have trouble with the term 'better' because its such an arbitrary term. Family dynamics has nothing to do with whether or not the children came from the same genetics.

    ETA I hate it when people assume others have made 'bad choices' simply because a relationship ended... It's very insulting. There's lots of stressers in life that can have a huge impact on individuals. It's life, things change. And also in many situations people show real courage and a true sense of self to walk away from relationships - it doesn't mean children involved will suffer at all. Children can suffer under any type of family situation take it from me!
    Last edited by Ellewood; 20-04-2013 at 07:38.

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  3. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by MrsOhara View Post
    Really?
    Perhaps the person you were with was completely different to what you thought and you removed yourself and your children from the situation and moved on.
    I think that's a quite good decision really.
    Read my first post then u will understand my second post

  4. #43
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    My eldest five have a different father (my exhusband) than my youngest two, but I will answer this thread.

    When I had just the five children, and someone would start to ask, "are they all yours" and I would begin to feel judged, I would proudly state that they all were from my husband - thus feeling that the expected judgement was invalidated by the fact that I was married and all the children were born into the single marriage.

    Then after we had separated, and I would get the same questions, I would still proudly announce that they were from my ex-husband, and thus the product of a marriage.

    When I had another child, who had a different father, my feelings would be that I was proud to be able to move on after escaping DV. (I didn't actually say this to people, but I would say something that suggested I was much better off without my ex-h and pleased that he wasn't the father of my youngest.)

    I never felt that I was superior to those that were in different circumstances, I just latched onto those reasons to feel pride and deflect judgements from others.

    What I am saying is that when I was still married and had five children, whilst I would be proud that I was married and all the children were born into the marriage, that was merely to deflect judgements against me. I didn't judge those in different circumstances who had children to different fathers, or weren't married, or were single parents. (Actually I was jealous of single parents because my marriage was so miserable.)

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  6. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kelly8329 View Post
    Read my first post then u will understand my second post
    I understand you.

    I don't feel better than someone just because their kids may have different fathers. Hell someone with 2 different baby daddy could be someone I admire as they are a better person than me.

    But when I see a woman, with 3 different baby daddy, who continually has a kid within a short time frame (under a year) and splits with them within a short time frame.... Then yep I do think Im better ... At making choices. I have a friend who has 3 kids to 3 different men and they are gorgeous kids and she's got a great DH now. But hell yeah she made some dumb decisions in her life regarding men.

    So I suppose I *may* judge someone, but because of the choices they make rather than the fact their kids have different fathers. If I don't know why their kids have different fathers then I can't judge.

  7. #45
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    I am pleased that my children all have the same father, simply because it means my marriage has been successful (so far!) and that's something I really value. But I don't feel that makes me superior. Fortunate perhaps? But not superior.

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  9. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I understand you.

    I don't feel better than someone just because their kids may have different fathers. Hell someone with 2 different baby daddy could be someone I admire as they are a better person than me.

    But when I see a woman, with 3 different baby daddy, who continually has a kid within a short time frame (under a year) and splits with them within a short time frame.... Then yep I do think Im better ... At making choices. I have a friend who has 3 kids to 3 different men and they are gorgeous kids and she's got a great DH now. But hell yeah she made some dumb decisions in her life regarding men.

    So I suppose I *may* judge someone, but because of the choices they make rather than the fact their kids have different fathers. If I don't know why their kids have different fathers then I can't judge.
    This is how I feel.
    I AM that girl that made dumb choices. It's embarrassing.
    I should never have had a child with the person I did.

  10. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I understand you.

    I don't feel better than someone just because their kids may have different fathers. Hell someone with 2 different baby daddy could be someone I admire as they are a better person than me.

    But when I see a woman, with 3 different baby daddy, who continually has a kid within a short time frame (under a year) and splits with them within a short time frame.... Then yep I do think Im better ... At making choices. I have a friend who has 3 kids to 3 different men and they are gorgeous kids and she's got a great DH now. But hell yeah she made some dumb decisions in her life regarding men.

    So I suppose I *may* judge someone, but because of the choices they make rather than the fact their kids have different fathers. If I don't know why their kids have different fathers then I can't judge.
    I totally get thus VP - however making bad decisions is not exclusive to multi-parent families. You might also know someone who's been married for 15 years with children who's also made the wrong decision to stay. People are very good at putting in a 'happy family' front. Likewise you might also know multi-parent families who've made very good decisions regarding their family situation and children.

    Ya just can't generalise. Not that you were - you were talking z out one specific friend - but I think most people make bad as well as good decisions in different areas of their life.

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    Quote Originally Posted by mama and her little bear View Post
    What choices? Sorry but that is such an arrogant and ignorant comment!

    So a woman who leaves a d.v situation has made poor choices?

    the only poor choice i see here is the choice to believe that you are somehow better than someone else because life has been lucky for you


    And who gives a **** if someone has 3/4/5 different fathers, is she caring for the kids? Are they fed clothed and happy? Because the ONLY time you are better than someone is if they are abusing or neglecting their kids.
    The choice to get pregnant to someone in the moment over and over again.
    It's one thing to be with someone and make the wrong choice in falling pregnant (planned or not) , then to make that choice again and again.
    I think something is going on and they are making bad choices in which I feel I have made better choices.
    I do not feel I make better choices than someone who has been in 2-3 serious relationships (meaning 5 plus years) and had children with numerous long term partners.
    I did clearly state my opinion, I don't believe their is room for misinterpretation from my 1st comment.

  12. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kelly8329 View Post
    The choice to get pregnant to someone in the moment over and over again.
    It's one thing to be with someone and make the wrong choice in falling pregnant (planned or not) , then to make that choice again and again.
    I think something is going on and they are making bad choices in which I feel I have made better choices.
    I do not feel I make better choices than someone who has been in 2-3 serious relationships (meaning 5 plus years) and had children with numerous long term partners.
    I did clearly state my opinion, I don't believe their is room for misinterpretation from my 1st comment.
    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I understand you.

    I don't feel better than someone just because their kids may have different fathers. Hell someone with 2 different baby daddy could be someone I admire as they are a better person than me.

    But when I see a woman, with 3 different baby daddy, who continually has a kid within a short time frame (under a year) and splits with them within a short time frame.... Then yep I do think Im better ... At making choices. I have a friend who has 3 kids to 3 different men and they are gorgeous kids and she's got a great DH now. But hell yeah she made some dumb decisions in her life regarding men.

    So I suppose I *may* judge someone, but because of the choices they make rather than the fact their kids have different fathers. If I don't know why their kids have different fathers then I can't judge.

    If I'm completely honest then I agree with both of these comments. I don't judge them for the person they are but I do feel better being in my situation if that makes sense.

  13. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I understand you.

    I don't feel better than someone just because their kids may have different fathers. Hell someone with 2 different baby daddy could be someone I admire as they are a better person than me.

    But when I see a woman, with 3 different baby daddy, who continually has a kid within a short time frame (under a year) and splits with them within a short time frame.... Then yep I do think Im better ... At making choices. I have a friend who has 3 kids to 3 different men and they are gorgeous kids and she's got a great DH now. But hell yeah she made some dumb decisions in her life regarding men.

    So I suppose I *may* judge someone, but because of the choices they make rather than the fact their kids have different fathers. If I don't know why their kids have different fathers then I can't judge.

    I agree with this.

    I've got a friend who's onto her 4th baby, to a 4th dad and none are in school yet. She's a great mum, lovely girl and a good friend.

    I have judged her as having poor choices now, not just in spouses, but in having all these kids in situations that weren't as stable as people should ideally be having kids in. I don't think less of her, but I do question her judgement when it comes to these things, as she's repeating the choice over and over.

    I think I get a bit judgey over anyone who repeats bad choices over and over.

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