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  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rose&Aurelia View Post
    Yes people need to sort out what they want from life and their partner earlier on in a relationship. Maybe not in the first week but definitely in that first month if a long term relationship is what you want. But not after kids have arrived and then argue about which church the baptism should occur in.

    For us it was the first few months as Dh was heading overseas on his tour and wanted to know if I'd hang around for him. So we nutted out the important questions. We were both ready for stable long term relationships. I certainly wasn't going to wait 6-8mths for him to get back only to realize that it wasn't going to work out.
    I can definitley see why you both were in a rush to get to the facts. Not sure if that is the norm for most people though.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ToonZie View Post
    Thanks for replies so far

    I think they both feel pretty strongly. She is kind of feeling like because she is the less religious one, her views aren't being treated as equally important...

    Surely there has to be a better compromise than one person having to entirely give in?
    I think religion isn't just about going to church or having a strong belief in all things the church make a stand for. Religion for a lot of people is cultural, tradition and family orientated. They grew up within that community and have memories of certain festivities ie.christmas and easter and bible stories that can be quite comforting for alot of people. This could be where the husband is coming from.
    When she says he's not religious and never goes to church, once your child comes along, all the things you yourself did as a child and the things that had meaning culturaly come back to you and you want to share that with your children. I think that's quite normal.
    When people say they get their kids baptised for the family etc. I can also understand that because I do think it's a lovely ceremony and tradition for the whole family.
    What is the harm in her child being baptised? I find most people who were baptised still make their own decisions on their beliefs later in life and I honestly don't believe it will harm him/her.
    I find the most confusing part where, how can someone be with another person and not know their beliefs. Didn't they ever have the discussion?
    I do think religion usually trumps because that's a belief steeped heavily in culture, tradition and family. If you don't believe in anything then thats not really cultural, it has no tradition and so I don't think that holds as much value.
    It's like marrying someone who is jewish, you are atheist, then never allowing your children to have shabbat dinner or not allowing them to become involved in their families religious traditions, and saying 'I don't believe or I'm atheist and thats just as important so we're having pork instead' I don't know, I don't think that's right.
    If you both have strong beliefs like 1 is muslim and 1 is catholic and you have to choose 1 because you can't be both, then that is a discussion you have to have before you have kids or get married at all. It breaks alot of couples up that I know of and familes even. It's definately important for alot of people.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rose&Aurelia View Post
    By 2yrs Dh had already served two tours in Afghanistan and we were engaged waiting for his return to get married. I had already moved interstate to be near him and wasn't going to hang around 'waiting' for the relationship to not work out.
    My circumstances were very different. I met DH when I was 21. We didn't marry until I was 28. Nothing like your case at all. We were in no rush as we were both at uni and had no idea where the relationship should lead. Heaps of things changed in our lives over those years before we got married. We didn't have children for another 5 years.

    Your situation was specific to how your relationship worked out and what was important to you and your now husband. I believe some people would say before having children that religion wasn't important to them, but then change once they actually have children. I don't blame them for that - but it's something that would be challenging.

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    Its important to understand that infant baptism is merely church tradition and not founded in the bible itself for anyone who is considering it.

    It doesnt even match with the bibles definition of baptism which is full immerson by a consenting person who has 'chosen' to follow christ of their own accord.

    An infant cant do any of these things. They are judged purely by their parents standing according to the scriptures until they are of an age to make a decision for themselves.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rose&Aurelia View Post
    Yes people need to sort out what they want from life and their partner earlier on in a relationship. Maybe not in the first week but definitely in that first month if a long term relationship is what you want. But not after kids have arrived and then argue about which church the baptism should occur in.

    For us it was the first few months as Dh was heading overseas on his tour and wanted to know if I'd hang around for him. So we nutted out the important questions. We were both ready for stable long term relationships. I certainly wasn't going to wait 6-8mths for him to get back only to realize that it wasn't going to work out.
    But just because your religion and other things were compatible doesn't guarantee that it would work out.

    When I first met my husband, we were both going overseas and would not see each other for a few months, but to ask those questions was not our priority, even though we knew we wanted to see each other when we got back.
    Last edited by BigRedV; 18-04-2013 at 06:50.

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    I can totally see how the question never comes up. DP and i have very similar beliefs. We're both left leaning, feminist, highly educated, travel loving somewhat tree huggy atheists. So when I was pregnant with DS, I was really surprised when DP was talking baptism. He just thought it was a nice ritual, somewhat if a family tradition, and he liked the idea of God parents.
    I could NEVER baptize my kids. I would feel like I was walking into a church and telling a lie, which I think is so disrespectful of someone else's religion- even if DP was strongly religious I couldn't do it. I would let him baptize our children himself, if he wanted to raise them religiously.
    In the end, we named Heathen Parents for our children

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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I still dont get why it is necessary to bring religion up on the first date. Its a bit dramatic. Did you discuss every possible topic of potential disagreement before the third date?
    - farting in bed
    - anal sex
    - if one of you get fatter
    - if one of your parents gets sick and wants to move in with you
    - will you be a stay at home mum when you have kids, doing 99% of the housework
    - who will get up to bubba at 3am
    - have either or you ever had bisexual desires
    - is nose picking acceptable
    -
    This made me choke on my coffee! I like your style.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BigRedV View Post
    But just because your religion and other things were compatible doesn't guarantee that it would work out.
    I don't think anyone's suggesting it would guarantee the relationship to stay forever but it's a heck of a good start if you're both on the same page with some big questions. I'm guessing if R&A's future partner had said that they were atheist (or anything other than a practicing Catholic) then both would then be able to consider how important it was to them that their religious beliefs reconciled and either stay together or move on.

    I simply could not be in a relationship with someone who is religious. It just wouldn't work. Like I think it was said by Sassy, I am not just atheist, I am actively anti-religion. I just wouldn't gel with someone who didn't share these beliefs. If I was seeking a new long term partner there would be no point if they didn't have similar views.

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    Quote Originally Posted by ~Bec~ View Post
    I don't think anyone's suggesting it would guarantee the relationship to stay forever but it's a heck of a good start if you're both on the same page with some big questions. I'm guessing if R&A's future partner had said that they were atheist (or anything other than a practicing Catholic) then both would then be able to consider how important it was to them that their religious beliefs reconciled and either stay together or move on.

    I simply could not be in a relationship with someone who is religious. It just wouldn't work. Like I think it was said by Sassy, I am not just atheist, I am actively anti-religion. I just wouldn't gel with someone who didn't share these beliefs. If I was seeking a new long term partner there would be no point if they didn't have similar views.
    Thank you bec. That's exactly what I was on about. Well the first paragraph anyway.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rose&Aurelia View Post

    I disagree. Ppl fall in lust with each other. Love takes time to grow.

    Also there are times where we might love someone but they may not be good for us. Ie financially unstable, addictions etc. Or they may not want what you want ie kids. Then would you still stay? I know I wouldn't.
    Yeah I would stay, it's called standing by each other and getting through difficult situations together.

    Obviously people are different but these kinds of things are not deal breakers for me, neither is their religion, ethnicity, financial situation etc.. I met my DH when he was penniless, living in a $hit dive in inner city melbourne with no job, the only thing he had was his dog, some clothes and a train ticket and I fell in love pretty much instantly - not lust.

    The only things that I would leave someone I loved for would have to involve them abusing me in some way or if they were cheating on me. I would never leave DH if I loved him because he lost money or developed addictions.


 

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