Ive been silently reading along for a while now. Im so sorry you are going through so much You have come so far even if you dont see it, you will get through this. Im also no good at advice but please I strongly urge you to get in contact with either beyond blue or lifeline tonight:
There are people to talk to and while its not an easy fix just talking to somebody when you need it most can help even if it is just a little bit. Please dont blame yourself or make yourself feel guilty about any of this...none of this is your fault and you are only human. Please take care and dont be so hard on yourself
Eta: I also just wanted to add that you have not destroyed who you are. You are going through massive amounts of emotional turmoil. You are still in there, just hiding in all the hurt and emotions you are going through. Just reading through your thread I can see how kind and caring you are, Its just hard for you to see yourself while all this is going on.