Thank you, I think you are so right. Keeping secrets from loved ones is so hard & for what? I keep thinking "I KNEW something was wrong, that's why I went to my step mum all those weeks ago! I needed it ended for me because I couldn't do it.." It is crappy that although he has been instructed NO FURTHER CONTACT he still doesn't listen. So now it really is up to me & I have to be stronger.. & you know the funny thing? He agreed, "yes this isn't good for you...." Ummm how long did I tell you this for! Argh. I hung up feeling angry like "omg.. he showed no emotion, no trying to show me he cared, no anything.. just yeah youre righr & goodbye after I said goodbye. I stewed on that all day! here is a text I had written (never sent!)
So after that conversation I feel I need to say a few last things...
"I am not trying to be horrible or hurt you in any way, but I need to get this out. The past six weeks, since things went badly with AHPRA, my emotional state has been worse than any time I have ever experienced (no exaggeration). I have so much family that love & support me, yet I kept coming to you to "fix" me... & you were so kind at times & so horribly cruel at others. You once told me that you had never seen another anxiety patient as severe as me, shouldn't that have been enough for you to know how vulnerable I was? Everything I believed you to be was fed to me by you & I hate that I was unwell enough to let you. I hate that you have affected my marriage & family & I hate that you were my doctor & you know what I was going through & I confided in you about everything.. & you took that for your own gratification. I was crashing... I reached out to you & you let me fall to pieces. I understand that it put pressure on you in your job but YOU are the doctor.. My doctor.. & you did this to me & then failed to acknowledge the severe implications that you had on my mental well being. I don't want you to reply. I don't want you to tell me you "care" or that "it is hard for you too". You've told me these things so many times, that it no longer holds any truth.... So, please delete my number, I deserve better than what you have caused me & you certainly do not deserve to have me in your life.
I don't hate you. I feel sorry for you & I hope you figure out your problems because you CAN NOT do this again. It is unfair and cruel. Please take responsibility.
So, for the last time, goodnight Mr........... & good luck."
Ohhhh wish I was in a better frame of mind to deal with this properly but I am doing the best I can & you I can't even tell you ladies how much help you have provided!! So so much!
I do expect I will grieve - & I will see my psychiatrist this week and get her to review my meds..
I have not tried journaling, I may do that. Yesterday I posted a Facebook status re mental illness & shared it on my page (very scary as I used to be so strong and no one really knows about my struggles!!) & the response has been overwhelming. I have now started up a page dedicated to it & it has taken off & it has been a good distraction... Hopefully I can built it up & make something good come of it for others who are struggling too!
sometimes reading your replies I want to cry (happy tears!) thank you for making me smile & genuinely caring about my situation.. It means the world and I am so so glad I opened this thread 6 weeks ago! Thank you for all following along xoxo