I am here undercover tonight... I am really in need of some advice. Just a bit of background, I have had severe OCD, anxiety & depression for the past 8 months (the life consuming, soul destroying, can't face living each day type..)
My GP, who met me at my very, very worst after a bad reaction to my first medication, Zoloft.. Has been an amazing support, my calm within this storm of my life. I have been through many many failed med trials, & he has been there every step of the way. Offered advice via text at my worse, & saw me as much as I needed.
Fast forward to March this year... I text him in error & quickly apolagied. Somehow we started talking about life & not so much my anxiety & the texts went on all weekend. On the Monday I saw him & he told me had feelings for me... As the days/weeks went on, the texts continued, the appointments continued frequently & the conversations for stranger. It seems silly but I was glad he was feeling this way; I felt supported.. In a way that no other family member or friend could provide.. I was supported, I was cared deeply for, by a highly respected, highly regarded doctor. That feeling was so calming.. A calm I had not felt for almost a year. I started to find myself depending on him, relying on his messages to being me calm (reassurance/compulsive behaviour, I know).. But it had been so long that even any compulsion or reassurance seeking could even help at all, so I was reluctant to give it up. As time has gone on, the friendship has grown, we have caught up outside of the clinic & he still see's me as his patient. He has told me a lot about his life, struggles within his marriage & a whole lot more I never knew. I feel sad for him & I also feel I owe him my help.. He has told me he has never ever broken this boundary with a patient .. That I am different, that he has never my anyone like me, that he is falling in love with me..
There is so much more but I'm sure that communicates quite a lot of my current situation..
I am feeling a little vulnerable.. I little scared of how much I feel I need him now, & have so many mixed feelings about the relationship. I feel that the fact he is my doctor, he can save me, is drawing me in to a very very complicated situation.. I don't want to let the communication go (he texts about 50 times per day..) because, even before all of this, he was my strength, my rock. Now, he has become an even bigger strength, a calmness for me I so badly needed... I'm scared to let the friendship go, the texts go, because I don't want this to get back to where it was before.. But, in the process, my marriage is becoming very strained, I am frustrated & confused and I truly don't know how this evolved.
How can my doctor feel this way? I don't understand how this became so complicated with my health care provider. Also, I am 25 & he is 47. I'm so torn & would love an outsiders perspective, I clearly cannot talk to anyone about this.
Please don't quote, I will delete this all later.
I'm so glad to get this off my chest!!!!
Thank you for reading..