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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wise Enough View Post
    I'm totally for telling friends and family. They can be supportive and often you get offers of eggs and surrogacy whether you need them or not . Makes you love some people more.

    I'm totally against telling work. They made my life hell. Harassed me over days off when they knew I was doing Ivf and I had a medical certificate. Would stick pins in my eyes rather than tell work again.
    Offers of eggs and surrogacy were kind of what I expected but we didn't get anything like that. I suppose if we actually say we can't have children things might be different. We just say we have fertility issues and tell people where we are up to, as in what treatment we have tried and hope to do but will never get personal enough for them to know dates etc. unless they need to know as in for visiting us between certain dates etc.

    My Mum did ask once what the result of an IUI cycle was. I just said I would let her know in due time when I knew more. I think if I was pregnant I would have just shared it with her on the quiet and no-one else would know unless they asked specifically, and were in the immediate family - until I was 3 months and selectively start telling people in order they are supposed to know.

  2. #12
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    I didn't tell any of my family until the day my pregnancy via IVF was confirmed, and then I told mum that I was 'trying'. I had to tell her something because I was attending my brother's formal and I looked 4 months preg due to the OHSS! I didn't tell her it worked until the 12 week mark, she feels quite strongly about terminations and I would have got one if there was something wrong with the baby, and didn't want to hurt her. We told my DH's parents while we were trying and told them to keep it to themselves. I also told one friend and a receptionist at each of the places I worked so they would be understanding when they had to reschedule my clients!

    I'm fairly cranky and wanted to avoid annoying advice in case I bit off someone's head (I got angry when someone asked if I was preganant before I was willing to reveal - rude question!), and felt the few people who knew were enough support for me.

  3. #13
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    We had a *very* early miscarriage early on in our TTC journey - like so early it barely even warrants being called a miscarriage. DP actually didn't know about the miscarriage and while I was away for work he told quite a few people that we were pregnant. I came back a few days later and had to break the news to him and then to other people.
    That was when I was determined that nobody would know anything because that experience didn't upset me - it just downright peeved me off. I hated other people knowing something so intimate so I was really annoyed with DP. I hated that his mother had to know everything and kept asking me questions.... there was no way to draw the line - his family have no boundaries!!

    I actually hate the thought that my body is failing us somehow now that IVF is on the cards....... I feel like it's my fault and I think I worry most that other people will see it that way too.

    I worry that my mum will think I'm throwing away my future by having a baby. I'm 27 for gosh sake!! But I'm not quite finished my law degree and a baby will halt that just a fraction. I don't think I could handle not being the "successful" one in the family.

    I don't know why I should care that much .... 28 years ago I was one of the first IVF babies in NSW! My mum of all people would know what I might go through and I honestly just can't tell her.

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  5. #14
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    There was never a doubt in my mind that we would tell people about our journey. The week after we got married the questions started "so when are you having kids?, "are you pregnant yet?" and the most common "she's not drinking she must be pregnant!"
    Some of my closest friends bailed me up at the end of last year and started with the "you know you shouldn't leave it too much longer" speech. At the time I just had to pass it off with comments like" oh we're waiting till the house is ready" and "its bad timing financially" I know they meant well but it was torture.
    After a year of trying naturally and every month being disappointed and being constantly reminded that we hadn't succeeded, it was such a relief to tell people what is going on.

    We started with our parents and close friends and slowly branched out to those who ask questions and those that I work with, DH works away and my parents don't live in WA so the extra support is a must for me.
    Since we have told those around us I feel relaxed, no one brings it up (I think they're scared) and I dont feel like I need to explain myself constantly. I dont know how Im going to go when the cycle actually starts. I dont want to be giving updates but at least if I lose it after a bad week i know there are people around me that know the basics and I dont have to explain when Im a total ball of emotions!

    I agree that it certainly opens doors for communication, I found out my parents struggled big time to get pregnant (they were actually told they wouldn't have kids and ended up with 3 naturally) so It gives me hope that we'll get there one way or another.

    Good Luck to all

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    Thank you all for sharing your stories. It is really nice to read them and see that we are not the only ones who struggled, and indeed continue to struggle, to decide who and how much to tell?

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    Hi Nirok,

    I wonder whether you would you be able/happy to share your story about finding out about being conceived by IVF and if/how it affected you?

    I think working out if and when to tell a child is an issue that many parents struggle with.

    In our planning of who to tell what about IVF and infertility DH and I have been thinking about the fall out to the child as well. I think it is pretty obvious to everyone who knows we are doing IVF that any child would be concieved that way and therefore not fair for them to know something the child doesn't.

    As we have already told people we are doing IVF we will have to tell our child as well. We thought we would tell them that that they are a "wanted child" from a young age. Then as they learn and grow it is already part of them. But where do you draw the line as to what to tell when?

    It is all a very big concern for us and I think many people - like us don't fully look at this being part of the decision to tell or not to tell who when and why

    Thankyou for highlighting this for us

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    Wow - thank you for this really helpful thread. For me this has been a big issue to think about so I really appreciate reading all your experiences and views.

    We TTC for 2 years before starting our first cycle of IVF. I think lots of people know we're trying, even though we're only open about it with a very small handful of friends. At the moment two girlfriend know we have started ivf, but no detail, another knows more detail and DH's boss knows too for when DH'S needs time off work. He's been great, having also experienced issues TTC.

    DH wanted to tell more friends, but I really didn't. It has taken me a long time to accept that we need help conceiving, that there is something (unknown) wrong with us, that we can't 'do it' like so many other people do, there is shame (slowly subsiding), fear, uncertainty and so many other emotions and thoughts, that I wanted to feel clearer about these things before inviting others into our really intimate journey. Many of the emotions are ridiculous (shame etc) but are there so have to be addressed so this journey can be as positive as possible. I'm afraid people will judge us and our future baby. But maybe I need to stop judging myself first?!

    I had my epu this morning, and strangely felt like telling my mum and sister. My hesitations previously were that mum told too many people about previous problems (PCO) and tried to justify to her friends why we hadn't conceived yet. This made for confusing, awkward and unwelcome conversations with her friends. My sister conceived before she even tried, then first go when she tried and I don't feel like she gets infertility by some comments she's made. I also don't want our IVF to be the elephant in the room that people don't know how to talk about...

    And work definitely don't know. I don't trust them with this sort of information. I'll tell one close friend/colleague later this week though.

    I feel like I'll be more open with family when we're safely pregnant. Until then, it's a select few I feel comfortable confiding in and debriefing with

  9. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by T1gger View Post
    Hi Nirok,

    I wonder whether you would you be able/happy to share your story about finding out about being conceived by IVF and if/how it affected you?

    I think working out if and when to tell a child is an issue that many parents struggle with.

    In our planning of who to tell what about IVF and infertility DH and I have been thinking about the fall out to the child as well. I think it is pretty obvious to everyone who knows we are doing IVF that any child would be concieved that way and therefore not fair for them to know something the child doesn't.

    As we have already told people we are doing IVF we will have to tell our child as well. We thought we would tell them that that they are a "wanted child" from a young age. Then as they learn and grow it is already part of them. But where do you draw the line as to what to tell when?

    It is all a very big concern for us and I think many people - like us don't fully look at this being part of the decision to tell or not to tell who when and why

    Thankyou for highlighting this for us
    Hey tiggs -
    To be honest I don't ever really remember being *specifically* told.... I just get this feeling it's always been something I've known if that makes sense?

    I have memories of attending picnic get togethers from about 2-3 years old with the other kids who were in the first 20 babies born in my area. The doctors and nurses went along to these too.

    When I was primary school aged - it was a little "in" joke in my family that when they were "mixing me up" in the little dish - the doctor dropped some dirt in by accident and that's how I ended up being the only one in my family with freckles on my nose!

    Even though for years I would hear the phrase thrown around "test-tube baby" - I never really understood what it meant until I was in year 7 and sex ed came up and I was the only person in my class not conceived the good old fashioned way. After that - most kids were interested in it and it was some how "cool". I wasn't ever picked on or made to feel different being a "test-tube baby".

    My parents lucked out and conceived my sister naturally (and accidentally) 18 months after me. But once I learnt how much mum and dad had to spend to do this way back in the 80's (over $10,000 per cycle which is the equivalent of just over $20k now.) I used to tease my sister that I was the "wanted child" because mum and dad paid for me and she was the accident!!

    I think because IVF is so much more common place these days - the child wouldn't be the "odd one out" in the room. Therefore while the concept was a novelty as I grew up - I feel that it would be less appropriate now to define a child by how they were conceived. Either way - I honestly never had a bad experience from growing up knowing that's how I was made.

    I do personally think that impressing upon a child that they were "wanted" creates a new set of issues because (in a child's mind) they may then see children who aren't conceived that way as "unwanted". Same would apply for a naturally conceived sibling (similar to what I did to my own haha!!).

    ......................................
    Call me strange now - but I haven't yet decided if I will be telling anyone that we conceived by IVF (if we do). I think that my desire not to tell anyone stems from feeling like it's my fault that we are doing it anyway. I don't yet know how this would affect what I tell my child.

    ** Sorry for the long post!! I don't think anyone's ever specifically asked my opinion about being an IVF kid! It feels a bit weird being an IVF kid .... now trying to have a kid by IVF! Lol **

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  11. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by nirok View Post
    Hey tiggs -
    To be honest I don't ever really remember being *specifically* told.... I just get this feeling it's always been something I've known if that makes sense?

    I have memories of attending picnic get togethers from about 2-3 years old with the other kids who were in the first 20 babies born in my area. The doctors and nurses went along to these too.

    When I was primary school aged - it was a little "in" joke in my family that when they were "mixing me up" in the little dish - the doctor dropped some dirt in by accident and that's how I ended up being the only one in my family with freckles on my nose!

    Even though for years I would hear the phrase thrown around "test-tube baby" - I never really understood what it meant until I was in year 7 and sex ed came up and I was the only person in my class not conceived the good old fashioned way. After that - most kids were interested in it and it was some how "cool". I wasn't ever picked on or made to feel different being a "test-tube baby".

    My parents lucked out and conceived my sister naturally (and accidentally) 18 months after me. But once I learnt how much mum and dad had to spend to do this way back in the 80's (over $10,000 per cycle which is the equivalent of just over $20k now.) I used to tease my sister that I was the "wanted child" because mum and dad paid for me and she was the accident!!

    I think because IVF is so much more common place these days - the child wouldn't be the "odd one out" in the room. Therefore while the concept was a novelty as I grew up - I feel that it would be less appropriate now to define a child by how they were conceived. Either way - I honestly never had a bad experience from growing up knowing that's how I was made.

    I do personally think that impressing upon a child that they were "wanted" creates a new set of issues because (in a child's mind) they may then see children who aren't conceived that way as "unwanted". Same would apply for a naturally conceived sibling (similar to what I did to my own haha!!).

    ......................................
    Call me strange now - but I haven't yet decided if I will be telling anyone that we conceived by IVF (if we do). I think that my desire not to tell anyone stems from feeling like it's my fault that we are doing it anyway. I don't yet know how this would affect what I tell my child.

    ** Sorry for the long post!! I don't think anyone's ever specifically asked my opinion about being an IVF kid! It feels a bit weird being an IVF kid .... now trying to have a kid by IVF! Lol **
    Wow what can I say - thank you so much for sharing this. It does make me reconsider about the wanted child thing, and at a point where it will make a difference- Thank you so much.

    I wonder what the statistics are in the average classroom now about those children from Assisted reproductive techniques to those concieved naturally, or how many ART babies there are compared to those naturally concieved. I might do a bit of digging on that.

    Thanks again

  12. #20
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    From:
    http://www.abs.gov.au/ausstats/abs@....2?opendocument
    Assisted fertility


    An increasing number of babies today are being born with the aid of assisted reproduction technology (ART), which uses medical technology such as in-vitro fertilisation or other fertility treatments to assist in the conception of a child. In 2004, an estimated 2.5% of all births in Australia were the result of ART treatment. Between 1989 and 2004, the number of live births occurring in Australia and New Zealand as a result of ART treatment increased by 74%. (Endnote 7, Endnote 8)
    Mothers in Australia and New Zealand who conceive in this way tend to be older than mothers in general, with an average age at delivery of 34.5 years in 2004, compared with an average age of 29.7 years for all Australian mothers in 2004. (Endnote 7) Pregnancies commenced using ART are also substantially more likely to result in a multiple birth, with 16% of all deliveries resulting in a multiple birth. (Endnote 7)


 

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