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  1. #1
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    Default Feeling sad

    I lost my LO in September last year after trying from May the same year. My due date is fast approaching n I have had no luck in be able to conceive again.

    I don't really know why I'm posting other then maybe just seeing if anyone else's other half is the same as mine n to try n understand without judgement.

    We have never spoken about the loss, my DP was really good when I went in to have my D&C but after a while he just got mad at me (it felt) that I was sad so I stopped telling him I was n just never spoke about it.

    This morning I'm at breaking point following 2 birth announcements-one was due the day before me. Before my DP left I was irritated n he asked what was wrong but I didn't bother answering so he left. After a while I sent him a txt to say I was sorry about being horrid n explained about the births n said this is my last cycle trying coz I can't do this anymore, it makes me unhappy n angry n that I was sorry because basically-if we don't fall preg on this last cycle, it's over for me. Anyway ive been crying ever since n I got heaps of missed calls so I eventually answer the phone to him n he says what r u doin n I said I'm crying in the room n he sounded really annoyed n said its no reason not to answer me n got me to help him fill in a form. Then in a gruff voice says we'll talk about it later. Which we never do.

    How has ur partner been after a loss? N if they haven't been supportive, have u done anything to change that??

    Sorry for the novel n thanks if you have gotten this far x
    Last edited by Chillies; 25-03-2013 at 10:13.

  2. #2
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    I couldn't read and not post. Allow yourself to be sad, allow yourself to grieve and please please please communicate with your DP!!!

    Big hugs to you chillies, I know it doesn't help to hear "it will happen" but I am sending you positive vibes and baby dust covered e-hugs xxx

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    Chillies  (25-03-2013)

  4. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ponytail View Post
    I couldn't read and not post. Allow yourself to be sad, allow yourself to grieve and please please please communicate with your DP!!!

    Big hugs to you chillies, I know it doesn't help to hear "it will happen" but I am sending you positive vibes and baby dust covered e-hugs xxx
    Thanks Ponytail! I'm not going to let it happen after this cycle, I'm done. I hate the way it's changed me n my life.

    Q: How do I communicate with him when he says hurtful things? I know from his point of view he didn't see it as a baby n believes it will happen when it does, me on the other hand-it was my first baby n I'm mourning what could have been. How can I not judge him n continue to love someone who helped me create the thing I mourn??

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    Hugs Chilies you sound like you are struggling. Maybe just sit him down and let him know how you are feeling and that you are having trouble coping. Explain how deeply the loss of your baby has impacted you and ask him to support you in your grief. Easier said than done I know but I believe if you are honest with him and help him to understand how you feel he may respond more positively. Also validate his feelings about your miscarriage, even if they are different to your own.

    Huge hugs to you and I hope he can be the support you need xxx

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    Chillies  (25-03-2013)

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    I had a still birth and an early miscariage, I think you need to talk to a bereavement association.
    I totally understand expecially around due dates it just brings all those feeling up again its really unfortunate your partner doesn't like to talk about it because it does really help... I would try and push it, just tell him YOU need to talk about it.
    As for things like you not answering your phone he might just have been worried about you, I know DH gets cranky when I don't answer or call him back but its because he get really worried.
    Talk to him, and call a barevement help line to talk to someone who can understand!

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    Chillies  (25-03-2013)

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    Hi chillies- we lost our baby girl in December and our due date is fast approaching in April as well, it is giving me so much anxiety and sadness! DH and I try to communicate a lot, but it is hard because we have dealt with it differently and sometimes I feel very alone in my grief. My biggest advice would be talking A LOT! I think you both have to constantly be vocal and honest about how you're feeling or else it just stews and gets worse. You really need to be open and honest about all your feelings of loss and grief so that he understands what it is like for you. Also listen to him, like pp stated above, and try to accept and understand that his feelings are going to be completely different. Men and women deal with pregnancy loss completely differently and an earlier loss and its effects to us are really hard for men to understand because no type of bonding has happened for them, whereas with us we bond with the baby the moment we see that second line.

    Have you contacted an organization like SANDS? Or spoken to a counsellor? My counsellor has been a godsend. Be kind to yourself.

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    Chillies  (25-03-2013)

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    Hey Chillies, I'm a bit late in the replies but I agree with the other ladies, you need to try open the lines of communication. Guys are totally different creatures to woman in this instance, as its often harder for them to have that special bond before your baby is born...
    It might also be worthwhile to speak to a bereavement counsellor about your feelings etc and they might also be able to offer more advice about talking to your DP... And getting him to open up too...
    we're always here to chat when you need!!


    Sent from my iPhone using The Bub Hub mobile app

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    Chillies  (25-03-2013)

  13. #8
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    Hi chillies my DH shook off both of our early miscarriages even though they completely devastated me, my first due date is fast approaching and I am just trying to throw myself into TTC hoping to b UTD before it but if not I will allow myself to b a bit sad even tho I know DH will prob not even remember. It can be so much harder on us as its happening to our bodies, I had to explain to my DH why I was so sad, coz even tho it wasnt a life yet to him it was very much so to me. I hav to stop now I'm tearing up. I hp u can get ur DH to open his heart a bit xx
    Last edited by ChannyV; 25-03-2013 at 19:55.

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    Chillies  (25-03-2013)

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    Hi Chillies, I'm really sorry to hear what u're going through. I've been going through the same thing with DH & it's been super hard to deal with!!

    We had a missed m/c in 2012 & it was really hard because we had those couple of early scans & had an edd. DH was great supporting me through the bad news & helping me recover from the D&C. I couldn't talk about it afterwards without crying & DH never seemed too. It used to get to me that he never spoke about it. I interpreted it as though he didn't care when he didn't want to upset me. It really got to me when he didn't even acknowledge the baby's due date when it came around & was such an ordinary day when it should have been amazing. I desperately wanted to be pregnant before that but sadly it didn't work out that way.

    It's still hard, especially when approaching that date. I have 2 close friends that both had bubs within days of my edd & wow is it hard seeing them, thinking that's what we should have had.

    It feels a lot to me like DH doesn't care as he doesn't want to talk about it but that seems to be common with guys when all I need to do is to talk about it. Maybe it's different because on top of it all we have all those hormones as well as the physical pain so we know that there was a baby and that it wasn't nothing?

    I hope u guys r able to talk about it soon but please know we're all here. it's truly such an awful thing to go through. Any time u want to vent or r after someone to talk too, I can say I understand exactly how u r feeling.

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    Chillies  (25-03-2013)

  17. #10
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    Thanks girls, I've appreciated every hug n every word Xo

    I've never seen a counsellor I'm just really embarrassed about it. N I can't pinpoint why I'm so upset really?! It feels like however it comes out isn't valid enough to go n talk about it if that makes sense?!

    I absolutely recognize n respect my DP feels differently to me about the loss but I guess essentially the question is how do I still love him knowing this?

    I know my due date will come n go with nothin from him but if I do plan something for myself-he'll be sh!tty he misses out. Can't win-I would rather be by myself in case he says something I think is hurtful/wrong n all hell will break loose then things will be said u can't take back

    Such a crappy situation to be in. Thanks heaps for the responses, it's been amazing xoxox


 

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