My daughter is 4 weeks old and until I went into labour, we had always planned to have 2-3 kids. However birth and these first few weeks with a newborn are really making me question whether I want to have a second baby or not.
My labour was 22 hours long, and ended in an emergency c-section under general anesthetic. To make it worse, the anesthetist was topping up my epidural as they wheeled me into theatre and accidentally put blood pressure lowering medication in, when my blood pressure was perfect!! So then I had to stay in recovery for 3 hours to be monitored so my MIL even held my baby before I did (as the Drs wanted hubby to come down to recovery to explain to him what had happened so someone needed to look after her, I would have preferred my mum to look after her but that's just how it worked out). I've never experienced any pain in my life, no broken bones, no chicken pox, no serious illness, so the pain of labour was completely overwhelming and I really didn't handle it well, and I only got to 4cm dilated so can't even imagine what it would have been like had I got further. I felt absolutely revolting coming out of the anesthetic so I had a shocking night where I was bed ridden with a screaming, hungry baby (no one had really helped me bf so I wasn't sure what I was doing, but was trying my best). The second night was even worse as she didn't sleep until 5am, and I was absolutely exhausted and I think I was still affected by the anesthetic as I felt a bit out of it. Overall the last few hours of my labour were terrifying, not so much the c-section as I was relieved it'd soon be over, but once the pain increased I became frantic and panicked and really wasn't handing the pain well at all (I asked my mum a number of times to kill me!).
Since we came home, she's been a fantastic baby, she sleeps quite well (2 x 4-5 hour sleeps through the night), feeds well but often, and is generally a pretty content baby. Although she's so good, she requires a lot of attention and there is a lot of extra time required with having a newborn like all the extra washing and time spent feeding and settling, and I can't imagine doing it with a toddler / young child around.
But at the same time, I feel really sad at the thought of never having another newborn, and also growing old and only having one child and potentially none or very few grandchildren. I also don't want her to grow up with no siblings as I'm very close to my sisters now that we're all adults and I want her to have that kind of relationship.
Also if I had another baby, I'm not sure whether I'd want to try for a VBAC as I'm scared of rupturing, the pain, tearing, and potentially going through all that pain only to end in a c-section again. But if I have an elective c-section, the first night is so tough and now even 4 weeks later my scar is still causing me quite a bit of pain.
So I guess this is just a bit of a vent / writing down how I feel. Everyone assures me that I'll forget about the pain and have another, but I guess that's what I'm scared of, falling pregnant and then it being too late to back out. I'm even terrified of having sex again in case I accidentally fall pregnant, even though I know we'll be very cautious. I'm not sure if having another baby would ruin the good thing that we have now. I know it's not a decision we need to make now, or even in the next few years (I'm 23 so have time), but it's something I think about every day and I just can't get past it.