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  1. #81
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    Dp and I are pretty open with each other but if I am discussing something with a friend and they either ask me not to say anything or I believe it to be sensitive to them I don't speak to dp about it. We are both cool with this and respect it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Girl X View Post
    Well, I think most people who've said that have also said that their friends are all in similar relationships, where it's understood that people talk to their husbands. Amongst my friends that's understood, and we have all talked about how we expect people to talk to their husbands/ wives. So it's a bit of a non-issue really...

    I don't know of any close friend that would ever tell me a secret and ask me to keep it from DH.

    I also wouldn't ask a close friend to do that, as I'd feel that was too much of an imposition and putting them in an awkward spot.
    I do hope any new friends you make in life .. You let them know this ...

  3. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigRedV View Post
    I think people are talking about different things.

    I don't see how anything my friends tell me in confidence is going to have any negative impact on my husband.

    My friends tell me things all the time, it's never about my husband or anything to do with his life so how can it impact him? I can't think of any secret a friend has told me that remotely affects him, so why would I tell him?

    My friend told me she had a prolapse after her vbac. She was embarrassed and didn't want me to tell anyone, so I didn't tell my husband. I don't see the big deal. Even if she didn't say not to say anything, I wouldn't have gone to him and said, "hey, guess what? Sandra had a prolapse!"
    See, that's you though, not everyone else. And that's not meant to sound as mean as it came out, sorry.
    My friends know some things and have some secrets my DF shouldn't, or isn't meant to know that WILL negatively affect him. They talk to me, Gods knows why, and tell me these things. I learned very early on to always ask if it will negatively affect him, and they learned to be honest because if they weren't it'd just come back to bite them. I used to have some very drama filled and b!tchy "friends" who told me "secrets" in an effort to cause trouble, so now it's just a blanket rule. My friends accept it or they just don't tell me. I don't go to DF and be like "Oh, hey, so and so just had this really embarrassing thing happen to her. Hehehehe." I can't imagine anyone that would.

  4. #84
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    I tell dp mostly everything....except for how much I've bought at the shops!

  5. #85
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maybelline View Post
    I do hope any new friends you make in life .. You let them know this ...
    Well, as I said earlier... it's not really a big issue now that we're all in our 30s! (The "I have a secret and you can't tell" type conversations, I mean...)

    If a friend did ask me to keep a secret from DH then I would simply say straight out that I wasn't prepared to keep secrets from him, and would understood if that meant he/ she didn't want to tell me something. That's never happened with a close friend though, as we're all on the same page with that.

    But tbh I'm a little confused about all this discussion of secrets, etc. It's just not how my friendship group works. Maybe because I'm an old person on BH?!!!

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  7. #86
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigRedV View Post
    Well if he did ask how it went, I would have said, "oh, she had a few complications she is getting treated for" but I certainly wouldn't be telling him her vagina fell out!
    I might not put it exactly like that either...!

  8. #87
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    I tell my DP most things but sometimes he doesn't want to know. For example if I hear gossip about an ex he doesn't want me to tell him and so I don't!

    Rainbow you are dead right and I learnt the hard way. I had a bad experience with a friend who told her DH something personal I had shared with her. Later one of his friends drunkenly brought it up at a party and I was humiliated. She felt bad too so now I'm always careful. Needless to say DH and the drop-kick friend were in big trouble!

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    I dont get why people are getting so worked up that some people share with their husbands/partners? The majority in this thread have said that they are open about it with their friends and that everyone involved is aware and ok, yet people are still saying that if you share your betraying confidences and being unfair? Im sure this happens sometimes but thats not what the majority in this thread are saying?

    Im with you girl X, my life and group of friends isnt filled with secrets and all that.

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  11. #89
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    Tough one. I probably wouldn't tell DP (if I had one) everything unless it was necessary, for example- if I felt conflicted and needed someone to talk to about something. For example, if a friend was being domestically abused and didn't want anyone to know but I felt that something had to be done- I may talk to DP about what I should do. But, in the same boat- I would hope that my "DP" would be delicate and understand the situation and the need to also keep the secret.

  12. #90
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    Quote Originally Posted by Girl X View Post
    Well, as I said earlier... it's not really a big issue now that we're all in our 30s! (The "I have a secret and you can't tell" type conversations, I mean...)

    If a friend did ask me to keep a secret from DH then I would simply say straight out that I wasn't prepared to keep secrets from him, and would understood if that meant he/ she didn't want to tell me something. That's never happened with a close friend though, as we're all on the same page with that.

    But tbh I'm a little confused about all this discussion of secrets, etc. It's just not how my friendship group works. Maybe because I'm an old person on BH?!!!
    My bold: See, that's what I always thought? I intentionally don't make friends my age, mostly for this reason. The majority of my friends are in their late twenties, early thirties. The "I have a secret thing, you can't tell." kind of stuff is very high-schoolish and generally only seems to cause trouble.
    The prolapse issue, I'd ask DF as a "if someone had a prolapsed vagina, what would normally happen and how would you fix it?" type thing. He doesn't need to know who has one, and he wouldn't want to anyway. I always thought once you grew up, you developed a sense of discretion and the "Don't tell anyone. Shh" thing became a non-issue? If one of my friends was in a situation of domestic abuse, I'd tell him because I'd offer our place to said friend to stay until they got back on their feet, and to give DF a heads up that trouble could end up at our house. I don't class this as "drama", because mostly drama is a not needed thing that is the result of childish crap. But honestly, even in high school I found the ridiculous secret keeping to be an exhausting waste of time. Not to be told things in confidence because someone needed to talk, but actual secret keeping that was always prefaced with "I have a secret. You can't tell anyone. It's a big secret."
    Generally my friends are like "I need to talk and vent, to get stuff off my chest", and that's what it is. Secrets, from past experience, are usually just people gossipping about other people and I don't want or need to hear it.
    The "I need to rant/vent/talk stuff" is usually pretty big and heavy and I use DF as a sounding board. He's tighter lipped than a clam, and nothing will get it out of him unless he chooses to tell someone. All my friends know this. I make absolutely no secret of it. But my friends are also DF's friends and trust him implicitly as well, they just find it easier to talk to me than to him.

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