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  1. #71
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    Whilst I'm of the camp that believes a secret is a secret and you should be able to keep things from your partner that are not your secret to tell, I noticed something about this thread.

    It is predominantely those that are still married that state that they share everything with their partner, and it is predominantly people stating "when I had a partner ..." that suggest they keep things to themselves.

    This is a very interesting observation.

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  3. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by sweetseven View Post
    Whilst I'm of the camp that believes a secret is a secret and you should be able to keep things from your partner that are not your secret to tell, I noticed something about this thread.

    It is predominantely those that are still married that state that they share everything with their partner, and it is predominantly people stating "when I had a partner ..." that suggest they keep things to themselves.

    This is a very interesting observation.
    Um. Not sure about that. I'm happily married. Pretty sure Fearless is too. And sassy is in a stable relationship. I haven't gone through post by post but these are 3 that jump out.

    I think that's an inaccurate comment. It's about what partners agree is right for them and their own expectations. DH and I are on exactly the same page on this issue. For us it's not about trust in our marriage but about trust with our friends.

    ETA looking back at the last couple of pages people who don't tell everything have referred to their partners as their DH. Wouldn't they say exDH if they were separated? I've no idea where you go that impression from, but I also don't think it's relevant.
    Last edited by Sonja; 18-03-2013 at 22:32.

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  5. #73
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    Um. Not sure about that. I'm happily married. Pretty sure Fearless is too. And sassy is in a stable relationship. I haven't gone through post by post but these are 3 that jump out.

    I think that's an inaccurate comment. It's about what partners agree is right for them and their own expectations. DH and I are on exactly the same page on this issue.
    I think its definitely about what is right for you and your partner and also your group of friends. For us, sharing with our partners is the norm. So there is very little chance of someone getting upset or hurt because its been discussed and we're all on the same page about it in general. So essentially, no trusts are being betrayed in our case because it is expected that we will share with our DH's.

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  7. #74
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    If I'm asked not to tell my DF something, that generally means it's something that will negatively affect him, either in the long term or short term. But most of my friends understand that while I value their friendship and trust, if something will badly affect my DF, I won't keep it from him. Trust between DF and I is paramount, so I always ask my friends first. If they say "Don't tell (insert name here)" I'll ask if it's going to affect him in a bad way. If they say yes, I tell them up front I won't keep it from him.
    In saying that, there are times when the things people tell me I can't relay to my DF for privacy reasons. DF accepted this though when we got together, so it's never a surprise. Occasionally he'll ask me about something and I'll explain I'm not allowed to tell him. He's cool with it. It comes with the territory. But yeah. If someone tells me something in confidence, as is the norm among our friend circle, it never crosses our minds that our partners are on the "do not tell" list. Our partners don't then go and discuss it with the person, but if they ask then they get told. It would be weird to be otherwise, for my friendship circle or between DF and I. Although for some things, like if a friend of ours is pregnant/engaged, etc, I'll keep it to myself until they tell everyone. DF knows how I feel about that particular topic after my Mum blabbed to everyone when I was pregnant and I felt that I got robbed of that particular exciting news.

  8. #75
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    I think people are talking about different things.

    I don't see how anything my friends tell me in confidence is going to have any negative impact on my husband.

    My friends tell me things all the time, it's never about my husband or anything to do with his life so how can it impact him? I can't think of any secret a friend has told me that remotely affects him, so why would I tell him?

    My friend told me she had a prolapse after her vbac. She was embarrassed and didn't want me to tell anyone, so I didn't tell my husband. I don't see the big deal. Even if she didn't say not to say anything, I wouldn't have gone to him and said, "hey, guess what? Sandra had a prolapse!"

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  10. #76
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigRedV View Post
    I think people are talking about different things.

    I don't see how anything my friends tell me in confidence is going to have any negative impact on my husband.

    My friends tell me things all the time, it's never about my husband or anything to do with his life so how can it impact him? I can't think of any secret a friend has told me that remotely affects him, so why would I tell him?

    My friend told me she had a prolapse after her vbac. She was embarrassed and didn't want me to tell anyone, so I didn't tell my husband. I don't see the big deal. Even if she didn't say not to say anything, I wouldn't have gone to him and said, "hey, guess what? Sandra had a prolapse!"
    I think it's more to do with the secrecy aspect. While it may be that in the case you mentioned I never told DH, it's not a case that I would actively "withhold" that information from him either.

    E.g., if he asked how Sandra's vbac had gone, and if she'd suffered any ill effects, then I wouldn't say "I can't tell you" or be mysterious about it. I would just tell him, and would know that he would never bring it up with Sandra or anyone or be insensitive about it.

    Or if I were considering a vbac, then I might discuss it with him, and say that I was worried because I knew she had experienced this problem with hers.

    Or if I was worried about her, and didn't know how to help her, then I might discuss it with him.

  11. #77
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    If a close friend told me something in confidence and strictly asked me not to tell anyone, including my DH, then I would keep the secret.

    I like to share everything with my DH, but there have been a couple of times that I've not told him some highly personal information that a friend has shared with me.

  12. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    Does everyone who shares everything with their partners make that completely clear to all their friends? I'm actually really shocked by this thread. A secret is a secret, not tell one person.
    Agree.

    I do not tell my partner everything ..

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  14. #79
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    Quote Originally Posted by Girl X View Post
    I think it's more to do with the secrecy aspect. While it may be that in the case you mentioned I never told DH, it's not a case that I would actively "withhold" that information from him either.

    E.g., if he asked how Sandra's vbac had gone, and if she'd suffered any ill effects, then I wouldn't say "I can't tell you" or be mysterious about it. I would just tell him, and would know that he would never bring it up with Sandra or anyone or be insensitive about it.

    Or if I were considering a vbac, then I might discuss it with him, and say that I was worried because I knew she had experienced this problem with hers.

    Or if I was worried about her, and didn't know how to help her, then I might discuss it with him.
    Well if he did ask how it went, I would have said, "oh, she had a few complications she is getting treated for" but I certainly wouldn't be telling him her vagina fell out!

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    I think it is totally wrong. If my friends share 'secrets' with me then I don't see how it could possibly be okay to share with a partner? If they wanted your partner to know, they would also be let in on the secret. If I found out a supposed 'friend' ran back to their partner and told them things I had shared in confidence then the friendship would be over.. I simply will not remain friends with someone I can't trust, I just don't see the point.


 

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