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  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by Girl X View Post
    Same here. If someone asked me not to tell anyone then I would clarify that I had no secrets from DH. None of my close friends would ever ask me to keep something from him, and I wouldn't ask them to keep something from their spouses either.

    For those who've said that they wouldn't volunteer information, what about if your partner asked?

    E.g., "Is Sarah pregnant again?"
    'you'd have to ask Sarah' which I guess in that case would kinda give the game away but i was just discussing this with DP (who agrees with me) and one of the examples I used with him was: say Sarah needed me to come with her to get an abortion, but not to tell anyone, I would probably tell him 'Sarah needs help with something personal and i need to be there for her, but i can't tell you what it is' it doesn't matter how sensitive or mature my DP is. Sarah doesn't want anyone to know, and she desperately needs my support. That comes before any openness in my relationship, and before my own emotional needs. It's not about me or DP, it's about Sarah.

    Poor Sarah seems to be shaping up to have many many skeletons...

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  3. #62
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    I can't keep secrets. I'm shocking

  4. #63
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    I find this thread a bit disturbing. I would never tell my husband stuff my friend had told me in confidence. Everyone is saying "I know my husband is trustworthy' etc, but your friend may be thinking the same thing about YOU!

    And people saying "my friends know that I tell my DH everything, if she didn't want me to tell him, I'd tell her not to tell me"- REALLY!? What if she really needed to talk to someone about something private, can she really not turn to you, a close friend, because you absolutely HAVE to share EVERYTHING with your husband?

    Anyway to answer the OP, no, my husband and I keep quite a lot to ourselves when concerning our friends, we do share a lot, day-to-day stuff, if people are newly separating, or getting together or I'd probably tell him if a friend was pregnant but keeping it quiet til she was 12 weeks or stuff like that. But personal stuff that doesn't affect him is none of his business as far as I'm concerned. And I would worry about trusting him if he told me his friends' private stuff too.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    'you'd have to ask Sarah' which I guess in that case would kinda give the game away but i was just discussing this with DP (who agrees with me) and one of the examples I used with him was: say Sarah needed me to come with her to get an abortion, but not to tell anyone, I would probably tell him 'Sarah needs help with something personal and i need to be there for her, but i can't tell you what it is' it doesn't matter how sensitive or mature my DP is. Sarah doesn't want anyone to know, and she desperately needs my support. That comes before any openness in my relationship, and before my own emotional needs. It's not about me or DP, it's about Sarah.

    Poor Sarah seems to be shaping up to have many many skeletons...
    Yeah this is me too. I'd just say its personal and she asked me not to discuss it, but I need to be there for her, and he'd be cool with that

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    Lol, poor Sarah indeed!

    Thanks for answering RR! I guess that makes sense. I guess it depends whereabouts she works too, what she deals with etc. I know someone married to a police officer who used to have to deal with the child sex abuse stuff... his job often involved watching horrific videos. He wasn't allowed to tell her anything. I suppose he could say, "I had a really bad day today," and she could assume because of his job title, but that's about it. So I figured must have been how all parts of the force were.

    I've not had to keep anything from DP - but I would, if I felt it was protecting someone else from embarrassment and to respect their privacy. And, also, as I said in the OP about DD - to maintain a "trust" there in case they needed someone they could rely on in future for more serious matters.

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    I pick and choose what I tell DH according to what I have been told, how I think he will react and what I think he needs to know.

    I do not automatically think that if I tell someone something that they will in turn tell their partner and I would be pretty p'd off if someone I confided in ran off to tell their partner.

    I also believe that we are two separate people who are entitled to keep some things to ourselves.

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    I just asked my DH if he expected me to tell him everything including secrets friends tell me. He said "absolutely not". So I guess it's something we both agree on. He actually said he'd be disappointed if I broke a friend's confidence by telling him something I wasn't supposed to.

    (that doesn't apply to situations where you tell your friend before they tell you that you'll tell your partner. I'm only talking about cases where your friend doesn't get told.)

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    'you'd have to ask Sarah' which I guess in that case would kinda give the game away but i was just discussing this with DP (who agrees with me) and one of the examples I used with him was: say Sarah needed me to come with her to get an abortion, but not to tell anyone, I would probably tell him 'Sarah needs help with something personal and i need to be there for her, but i can't tell you what it is' it doesn't matter how sensitive or mature my DP is. Sarah doesn't want anyone to know, and she desperately needs my support. That comes before any openness in my relationship, and before my own emotional needs. It's not about me or DP, it's about Sarah.

    Poor Sarah seems to be shaping up to have many many skeletons...
    Poor old Sarah...

    But I guess that would be different for me/ DH anyway. If I asked him a direct question and he was evasive then I'd feel a bit weird about it. Or if he said he couldn't tell me something then that would be strange too. And vice versa.

    But I guess that's because I've never been in a (long term) relationship where there have been things like that. For me, my relationship with DH comes first. I can't imagine not being able to tell him something. He's the person I lean on and confide in, and talk everything through with. If I felt that I had to keep something from him (and him from me) then I think it would affect the relationship negatively.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Annabella View Post
    I find this thread a bit disturbing. I would never tell my husband stuff my friend had told me in confidence. Everyone is saying "I know my husband is trustworthy' etc, but your friend may be thinking the same thing about YOU!

    And people saying "my friends know that I tell my DH everything, if she didn't want me to tell him, I'd tell her not to tell me"- REALLY!? What if she really needed to talk to someone about something private, can she really not turn to you, a close friend, because you absolutely HAVE to share EVERYTHING with your husband?
    Well, I think most people who've said that have also said that their friends are all in similar relationships, where it's understood that people talk to their husbands. Amongst my friends that's understood, and we have all talked about how we expect people to talk to their husbands/ wives. So it's a bit of a non-issue really...

    I don't know of any close friend that would ever tell me a secret and ask me to keep it from DH.

    I also wouldn't ask a close friend to do that, as I'd feel that was too much of an imposition and putting them in an awkward spot.

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    No I don't need to tell DH everything.

    If a close friend told me something personal about herself that didn't involve my husband or me and asked me not to mention it, I wouldn't have a problem with that. I don't see why he would need to know the ins and outs of THEIR lives.

    I've only been asked once so far not to tell, and I've kept it to myself. It's not a sinister secret, just an embarrassing one, and my friend (who sees DH a fair bit) would DIE if she found out he knew. It doesn't impact me, or him, or us as a couple so I have no issue with keeping it a secret.

    I'm sure his friends tell him things that I don't know about. I don't care in the slightest.


 

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