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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    See, i don't see it as a trust issue between me and my partner. If its not my secret it's not my place to tell anyone. Only the person who has told me the secret has the right to decide who knows. So it's a trust issue between me and them. If the person telling you knows you'll tell your partner, then there's no issue. But for example, one of my friends got genital herpes, and is extremely embarrassed about it. Why on earth would I need to tell DP? My friend wouldn't want him knowing, not because she doesn't trust him but because she feels embarrassed.
    This is how I see it.

    I mean, they tell me something, say, they're going on about their partner being a bit of a tosser... I might tell DP. I won't run home and blab, but I might say something. It's no big deal. I might just say, "I can't believe she puts up with his nonsense... she really deserves better," as I vent to him about it or whatever.

    If it was that she was, as a said in the OP, sexually assaulted, I wouldn't bring it up to ANYONE that might know her. If I really needed to talk about it and wasn't seeing a psych, I'd probably start an anon thread on here with only very generic info. Just because I know that everyone needs to unwind. I think I'd be okay with someone doing that with my problems too - just not telling people I'd have to look in the fact at some point, who would know all about it, but who wouldn't say anything to me about it. That would weird me out.

    I tend to expect that anyone who I tell stuff to will tell their partner, and I don't have anything so secret that I ask them to keep it to themselves... but if it was something very very personal and touchy, I would request that they don't share it with their partner, or anyone else that knows me (even if they don't use my name). I'd rather they talk to people who don't me.

    I don't tell DP everything anyway. I mean, I don't go, "Okay, so I woke at 7.14am, and went to pee but someone had forgotten to replace the toilet paper and there was none in the roll-holder, so I had to do some weird hobble-walk and hope not to drip anything on the floor... and then after I grabbed a roll, I hobbled back and flushed... for lunch I had this, that and the other, but I burnt it a bit so was kind of cranky and so chucked half of it out... and then later when I was on BH some fool wrote something that made me wants to smash the computer (over her head... lol), but instead I said..." etc etc. You get my point. Omitting stuff is kind of what we do anyway... I don't find out every little detail of DP's day and he doesn't know mine because it's impossible to do... so I don't feel that keeping secrets that have nothing to do with him is a betrayal of any sort.

    I'd be cool with him not telling me that his friend might have gotten an STI from someone, or had just found out his kid isn't really his, or whatever other personal matter he shared with DP. It's not my business...

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  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainbow road View Post
    I tell DP everything. And if I tell someone who is partnered something, I expect they'll tell their partner too.
    I agree with this. Our partners are the ones we can trust and talk to about anything.

  4. #33
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    I dont tell him everything, it would be exhausting.

    Some things he doesn't need to know, other things he wouldn't want to know.

    But i know I CAN and would tell my dp anything if I thought it was needed.

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  6. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    See, i don't see it as a trust issue between me and my partner. If its not my secret it's not my place to tell anyone. Only the person who has told me the secret has the right to decide who knows. So it's a trust issue between me and them. If the person telling you knows you'll tell your partner, then there's no issue. But for example, one of my friends got genital herpes, and is extremely embarrassed about it. Why on earth would I need to tell DP? My friend wouldn't want him knowing, not because she doesn't trust him but because she feels embarrassed.
    Well, on that occasion it may not be something that's relevant to tell DH. But if he asked me about it (and I have no idea why he might in that example!) then I wouldn't lie.

    Or, if he noticed a friend was behaving strangely and I knew why but he didn't, then I would tell him.

    Or if it was something upsetting to me or something I wanted his input on, then I would also tell him.

    It's not the case that I'd rush home to be gossipy about it (whatever 'it' is) but that if I wanted to discuss it for any reason, then I would discuss it with him.

    I also know that I could trust him to never say anything nor act insensitively. So him knowing something would have zero impact on that friend.

    But tbh I find it's pretty unusual these days to be told a secret in the 'don't tell anyone' way that we're discussing. My friends and I all confide in each other, but we tend to take it for granted that people won't blab personal stuff, without having to expressly make them promise not to tell (which seems a bit high school to me, if it's something that happens regularly). I guess the fact we're all on the same page in terms of how we view our relationships probably helps there too, as we know that people will talk to their spouses.

    I'd also say that I'd feel a bit weird if it later came out that DH had deliberately not told me something. It would make me feel like the trust/ openness between us had gone astray a bit.

  7. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    Does everyone who shares everything with their partners make that completely clear to all their friends? I'm actually really shocked by this thread. A secret is a secret, not tell one person.
    This is why should be so very careful who you tell anything too.
    If you can trust 5 people in your whole life you are very lucky!
    I had a friend who I confided in about something that happened to me (didn't affect her life in any way and I knew her for ages) she swore on her life she wouldn't tell a soul and I asked her twice if she will tell her husband she promised she would not and then of course she did. And a huge drama unfolded over something that had NOTHING to do with them simply because they knew the people involved. And the only reason I told her is because I was feeling really upset and stupidly thinking she was my friend and I could trust her...cause you know apparently that's what friends are for...
    And she wonders why she has lost most of her friends...

    Like that Herpes thing at what point would anyone think its a good idea to share that with your partner, its just beyond me. It doesn't affect you or your relationship, its something a friend who is distressed and embarrassed about needs to talk to you about. Your life can not possibly be that boring that you need to discuss your friends private parts, surely there is something else you can speak to your partner about.
    Last edited by Janesmum123; 18-03-2013 at 19:26.

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  9. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by HowCrazyCool View Post
    I dont tell him everything, it would be exhausting.

    Some things he doesn't need to know, other things he wouldn't want to know.

    But i know I CAN and would tell my dp anything if I thought it was needed.
    This is me. I am rather forgetful anyway so am a good person to tell secrets to as I'm likely to forget. I don't want to know everything in DH's world and I don't think he expects me to tell either. Not a trust issue at all just I know what interests him and what doesn't - and most personal stuff about other people is not interesting to him.

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  11. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by peanutmonkey View Post
    I think this is it... I dont intentionally keep anything from DH. Sure, some things dont come up, like a friend telling me she has genital herpes wouldnt be something that would spring to mind when we're chatting, so I probably wouldn't mention it, but I wouldnt say to myself that I have to keep it from DH IYKWIM.
    Ah that's exactly what I was trying to say in my first post. *nods* I'm the same.


    Sent from my talky stick

  12. #38
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    Nobody tells me secrets

    but if they did, no i wouldnt tell dh. Its not his business.

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    This is why I rarely tell anyone anything. I loathe the idea a friend thinks it's ok to tell her partner something I tell her in secret. I accept it might be the norm, so I don't share.

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    No...i have a few secrets i hope no one has told to their partner. They are very personal and private and told in total trust.


 

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