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  1. #151
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    I would think re-telling things told in confidentiality, or "secrets" if you will, would be more high school behaviour than keeping the information to yourself. I don't have an issue with those who tell their husbands everything, I would assume this is the case for most couples, but keeping sensitive information to yourself isn't high school at all IMO. I'm 29, not sure if this will change in June when I'm 30 lol.
    No, I wasn't trying to imply that it was high school to keep sensitive info to yourself. It was meant as a bit of a light hearted remark, but was also trying to explain that I didn't have people saying "I have a secret, and you can't tell" in that way any more. Sure, that happened a lot in friendship groups when I was younger, but now it's mainly the case that people will tell personal/ sensitive information, and trust the person they're telling to be sensitive with that too - rather than specifying something as a secret, and explaining the parameters of that secret.

    In my case that means that I might tell DH. But in my friendship group that is the norm. And I think it would be unusual for someone I didn't know very well to come to me with such a classified/ top secret thing - certainly it tends to be more that you speak to close friends about more personal things. And in my case my friendship group all works the same in that regard.

    Also, on the flip side, if I told a close friend something personal - even not knowing whether she would tell her partner - I would do so trusting her with that information. If she then told her partner (which I would probably never find out), I would trust that she had done so knowing that she could trust him with such personal information and that it would go no further. It wouldn't occur to me to stipulate who could/ couldn't be told something (about me, I mean). But I would only tell people who I trusted would make the right decisions in that regard, and if that meant telling someone else then I would have faith in my friend about why she told and who she told.

    But, as I said before, it's never been an issue as I already know that my close friends would probably tell their husbands anything, and that's fine with me.

    I probably didn't explain that very well!

  2. #152
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    Ahhhh ok - makes sense Girl X. I do tend to trust my girlfriends that they use their discretion with what info they tell their partners or mutual friends. My closest group of friends tell each other a heck of a lot and I always assume that they probably mention things to their other halves in passing.

    I tend to use my discretion too, my friends prob don't want my DP knowing about their periods or CM as an example (and I'm not certain he'd want that info either) but we happily discuss it in day to day life.

    My DP's mum has asked me in the past to not tell DP some girly things she has told me to spare him from embarrassment/stress and I don't think that's childish, I think it's sensible as she'd know that I tell him almost everything so did specify not to tell him certain personal info that she has discussed with me as a woman. I'm fine with this.

    My ex employer... jeesh.. whenever anybody told him anything you could almost see him chomping at the bit to get out of there to tell everyone else. I always thought it was a bit of a sign of immaturity and it drove everybody nuts because everyone knew everyone's business whether we wanted to or not. He was a major gossip. And he would also tell me interesting things about his wife that I probably did not need to know

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  4. #153
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    To answer OP, I don't think there is a blanket right or wrong. I think it's right or wrong for each individual person/relationship. My last remaining two cents. I am now broke.

    Shouldn't have bought all those cookies for people in the other thread.

  5. #154
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    No,I do not tell my DH everything.If one of my friends confided in me,I don't feel the need to tell him.At the end of the day it isn't his business.I don't see the need to tell him every little thing.

  6. #155
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    i haven't read any replies but I tell my partner everything about myself but it is not my place to tell him about other people so I dont

  7. #156
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    I don't think I've specifically been asked not to pass certain things around, but I just make a judgement call. Will my friend care if I tell my DP that they went and blew $300 on a pair of shoes without their partner knowing? Probably not (unless DP and her partner were friends... lol). Will my friend (a different one) care if I tell DP about how she went on a bit of a sexual bender and got chlamydia? Yeah, probably. It's not really something you want everyone knowing about you.

    So I just don't tell him. She didn't ask me not to, but I figure that it's one of those things that you don't start sharing around.

    I also understand that people trust their partners... but the person who's personal, private info it is should be the one to decide whether or not your partner is trustworthy enough to have that info... or even if they just want him or her to know or not. I mean, I don't think that my friend's partner is going to go blab my personal stories to anyone, but it's still just not something I really want him knowing about me.

    If my friend had said, "I will tell my partner everything you tell me," I'd probably stop telling her stuff... but that's never happened and tbh, I think I'd rather my friends just use their judgement as I mentioned about. Tell him about some dumb crap I did. I don't care. But no, he doesn't really need to know about my vagina or anything like that thanks.

    I also wonder how people feel about the situation I mentioned in the OP - about your child. If you blow their trust by telling some innocent little unimportant secret... but to THEM it's something important... what happens then? As I said, I learnt from that whole period episode that my mother could not be trusted... and it meant that I didn't confide in her again as a child/teenager. I only told her stuff I was okay with other's knowing. What if I had needed to go to her... what if I had been molested and really should have been able to go to her, but I didn't trust her because she'd told my Dad something years earlier when I had asked her not to. Do people consider that kind of thing? Because I do. I want DD to come to me if she needs to and know that I will keep her "secrets," no matter how unimportant they seem to me (like who she "loves" at school).... because that might just be the difference between whether or not she trusts me with info that she really should be able to share with me in future... important stuff.

  8. #157
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    Quote Originally Posted by SassyMummy View Post
    I also wonder how people feel about the situation I mentioned in the OP - about your child. If you blow their trust by telling some innocent little unimportant secret... but to THEM it's something important... what happens then? As I said, I learnt from that whole period episode that my mother could not be trusted... and it meant that I didn't confide in her again as a child/teenager. I only told her stuff I was okay with other's knowing. What if I had needed to go to her... what if I had been molested and really should have been able to go to her, but I didn't trust her because she'd told my Dad something years earlier when I had asked her not to. Do people consider that kind of thing? Because I do. I want DD to come to me if she needs to and know that I will keep her "secrets," no matter how unimportant they seem to me (like who she "loves" at school).... because that might just be the difference between whether or not she trusts me with info that she really should be able to share with me in future... important stuff.
    I've been thinking about this one. I know when I was younger I told mum things I didn't want dad to know, and when mum would go away dad would give us little treats or let us stay up late and it would be "our little secret". But these were always pretty minor. I was incredibly close to my dad so I would have told him pretty much everything anyway.

    If my kids told me something in secret, I would probably encourage them to tell DH. DH is incredibly close to all the kids and I hope it stays that way. I know he and DD1 often have private chats in bed together at night before she settles for sleep and I never ask what they discuss (usually because I hear it all earlier in the day).

  9. #158
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    Quote Originally Posted by SassyMummy View Post
    I also wonder how people feel about the situation I mentioned in the OP - about your child. If you blow their trust by telling some innocent little unimportant secret... but to THEM it's something important... what happens then? As I said, I learnt from that whole period episode that my mother could not be trusted... and it meant that I didn't confide in her again as a child/teenager. I only told her stuff I was okay with other's knowing. What if I had needed to go to her... what if I had been molested and really should have been able to go to her, but I didn't trust her because she'd told my Dad something years earlier when I had asked her not to. Do people consider that kind of thing? Because I do. I want DD to come to me if she needs to and know that I will keep her "secrets," no matter how unimportant they seem to me (like who she "loves" at school).... because that might just be the difference between whether or not she trusts me with info that she really should be able to share with me in future... important stuff.
    I don't know... To me the issue would be more that your dad handled it insensitively, as in most cases I would have thought that you would never have even found out that your dad knew at all.

    Maybe upbringing has something to do with how people see it differently?

    Growing up, I always knew that anything I told mum might be passed on to dad (and vice versa). That was how their relationship worked (and still does), so it was the norm for me.

    I've never been particularly embarrassed about 'personal' (or bodily) type information, so it never bothered me if dad knew anything like that about me. I was pretty lucky in that I could always talk to both my parents very openly about everything.

    I know this is unusual, but I actually told my mum on the same night that I'd been with my boyfriend for the first time. The next day I asked if she'd told dad, and she said she had. It didn't bother me that she had, as I'd assumed she would, and I didn't feel embarrassed about it.

    So - I hope for a relationship like that with DD - one where she can talk to me or DH about anything at all. I never asked my mum to keep secrets from dad (apart from silly stuff like about surprises/ presents), nor him from her. I hope to raise DD in a way where she feels the same.

    If that doesn't happen then I guess we'll have to deal with it as it comes.

    I've always felt that I can trust mum and dad completely. I see them as a 'joint' parental unit (if that makes sense), and I've never felt the need to have secrets from either of them. I understand and respect that they talk to each other about everything, but I also know that they would never let sensitive info go outside of their marriage either. (E.g., I know they talk to each other, but I also know they wouldn't tell a random friend/ family member private information.)

  10. #159
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    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    I tell DH everything about ME...i have no secrets from him...the important word being I.

    When my friends tell me something in confidence, that is their secret and not about me so it stays in confidence. My friends don't need to say "don't tell anyone" because they know that I won't, it is that simple. If it seems like a private or personal matter, i simply do not repeat it.
    This perfectly sums it up. My DH is my best friend. I tell him everything about ME that I wouldn't ever say to another living person.

    However, I don't tell him other people's secrets and he has enough compassion and empathy for other people that he understands why. Just like I would understand if he kept one of his friends secrets from me.

    If I did, I would be an awesome wife but a pretty crappy friend.


 

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