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  1. #141
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    We don't keep much from each other, I usually tell him most things and we discuss things when I need to talk about something I've heard. He tells me about his friends, I tell him about mine. My best friend is my oldest friend of 24 years (we were also neighbours) and when I tell her something, I do know there is a chance she will tell her dh. It doesn't bother me, it happens.
    Dh and I have an unspoken agreement we are to never repeat what we tell each other though and we would never break each others trust, so telliing me something will never go as far as me or him. I even know which of his mates are having affairs, and he knows alot about my friends. In saying that he is a very non judgmental person and not much phases him.
    But for me, sometimes I need to talk about things and he is the only one I can trust completely. So if a friend tells me about her affair or abortion, I need to talk about my feelings. Dh is a good person to do that with, he's not a friend that can break my trust and confidence, it's like talking to myself who has a different perspective. And it saves me going online to vent to strangers.

  2. #142
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    I am with Girl X's previous posts, I tell DH pretty much everything and my friends would know this. My DH is 'the vault' and would never say anything to anyone. Vice versa for me telling friends something, like Girl X, I know they might tell their partners. If that wasn't cool I wouldn't tell them. Not that the partners, including my DH, are ever interested in sex lives, STIs, prolapses etc!!

    Having said that, I'm a very private person so I probably don't tell anyone the really juicy stuff.

    My DH and I have both worked in the medical profession so we are privy to people's personal information at work. That sort of stuff might come up hypothetically in a 'case study' kind of way, e.g. "If someone has a prolapse post-vbac do we still do x or is y more common now?"

    If it was like Sonja where the client could be easily identified in a legal context then I wouldn't. You know up front in that situation that you can't tell DH. If a friend told me upfront that I couldn't tell him, I would ask not to be told as it might not be something I'm comfortable carrying on my own.

  3. #143
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    I'll also add that with regards to the medical stuff, we've worked together in remote communities where it is obvious who the patient is cos there are only a few hundred people on the whole island. I would still be comfortable telling him in those circumstances cos we both work there, so I'm telling/debriefing/asking him as a colleague, not as my DH.

    We've done it for 8 years now so I think we are pretty good at separating the gossip ("OMG Sarah has the worst herpes!") from the work ("I just saw the worst case of herpes, better put in a bulk order for acyclovir!")

  4. #144
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    Usually when people say they have a "secret" not to tell anyone I ask whether I can tell DH or I don't want to know, every time my friends say of that's different tell him but no one else. DH friends have told him things to keep in confidence he hates that. But as I am friendly with his mates they generally tell me the next day either to get a female perspective or just assume DH has told me. So we don't have secrets.

    When our girls get older and get their period DH wouldn't want to know, he will get all embarrassed and not mention it to them. He doesn't even like to know when I have mine. So no fear of breaking their trust like OP. he will figure it out though when I buy bulk pads and little bras for them.

  5. #145
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    I tell mine everything. And he does the same. No secrets here.

  6. #146
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    Quote Originally Posted by rainbow road View Post
    I tell DP everything. And if I tell someone who is partnered something, I expect they'll tell their partner too.
    This is me too. Talking to DP about stuff helps me mull over how to helpfriends in need etc. He has exceptional discretion skills & would never discuss anything I'd mentioned to him with anyone. When it comes to DD I think I will find it tough to keep things from him. He is a really hands on, caring Dad & would be really hurt if I didn't tell him important things about our daughter. I think I would keep her confidence, but encourage her to involve him herself. I dunno.

  7. #147
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    Quote Originally Posted by bitterpure View Post
    Curious about the ones that say they tell their partners everything - do those partners actively ask and actually want to know everything?
    No, not always.

    When I say I tell him everything, I guess what I mean is that I 'would' tell him everything - not that I literally tell him every little thing.

    As others have said, a lot of things slip my mind, or aren't relevant. I don't just sit there and gossip with him about my friends and what they'e told me.

    I'll only tell him things if it's something I want to discuss (perhaps something that's worrying at me, or I'm not sure how to handle, or maybe something that pertains to a situation in my/ our life too), or if he asks.

    Sometimes he will ask how things have gone - e.g., with a birth story, or TTC. We've been through a long period of TTC, and DH's immediate family are all medical, so it means that he's not at all squeamish (and neither of us have ever been embarrassed about medical things) and also that he has a lot of concern/ sympathy for anyone else going through TTC/ birth!

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  9. #148
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    I wonder if it has something to do with what your friendship circle is like? Perhaps people share more with their partners if they've been with their partner longer than they've known their friends, or if you mainly have couple friends, or something. As I said earlier, my friends have been my best friends since year 7- coming up to 20 years. I've been with DP 12 years, and we are the oldest couple. My group of friends has seen partners come and go, but we will always be together. We've known each other since we were children, so there's a lot of history there. We also tend to hang out just the girls, not many of our partners are close friends. Maybe that has something to do with it?
    Potentially. I moved countries, so have known DH longer than all my friends over here - and also we share the same friendship group. Almost all our friends are couples, and the girls all hang out together and the guys do too. So it tends to be the case that there aren't major secrets between most people anyway.

    Having said that, when I met DH my friendship group was all from school and thereabouts, and it was still the same situation (once we'd been together for a time, I mean). And for my friends back there too...

    Some people have said they're surprised how others know how their friends 'operate' in this regard. I usually hear people saying "I told [husband] about what had happened, and he said xyz" or something similar! A group of us had a big talk about it years ago, as someone had another friend (that no one else knew) who DID keep things from her partner, and we were all saying that we didn't do that, and we all agreed that we expected that people would tell their partners things.

    I'm not sure about where the comments about lying to your partner re spending came from, either? (I know that wasn't you that said it, FL!) I only saw one person say it, I think??? FWIW, I would never lie to DH about how much something cost!

  10. #149
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    Quote Originally Posted by Girl X View Post
    Well, as I said earlier... it's not really a big issue now that we're all in our 30s! (The "I have a secret and you can't tell" type conversations, I mean...)

    If a friend did ask me to keep a secret from DH then I would simply say straight out that I wasn't prepared to keep secrets from him, and would understood if that meant he/ she didn't want to tell me something. That's never happened with a close friend though, as we're all on the same page with that.

    But tbh I'm a little confused about all this discussion of secrets, etc. It's just not how my friendship group works. Maybe because I'm an old person on BH?!!!
    I've only read to here so far.
    I'm 39 and most of my friends are the same age so I don't think age has anything to go with it.
    I don't tell my DH everything.
    If a friend told me something in confidence, it is not my information to share.
    This is widely the accepted norm within my group.
    HOWEVER, if the norm is to share in your group, and the person who is sharing their "secret" for lack of a better word, understands this AND is absolutely understanding if this, then there is no issue.

    I don't believe that it is an issue of high school mentality and keeping secrets. It is an issue of trust and sensitive information confided between two friends. The "secret" is not my info to confide in another.

    If a "secret" is malicious gossip which would impact your partner, I believe is a separate issue and not what the OP was referring to.

    I would not confide sensitive information to a friend who I thought or knew would tell their partner. Not that I currently have any issues, and I most certainly do not act all high schoolish because I would expect s friend to be able to keep a secret.

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  12. #150
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    I would think re-telling things told in confidentiality, or "secrets" if you will, would be more high school behaviour than keeping the information to yourself. I don't have an issue with those who tell their husbands everything, I would assume this is the case for most couples, but keeping sensitive information to yourself isn't high school at all IMO. I'm 29, not sure if this will change in June when I'm 30 lol.


 

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