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  1. #131
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    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    possibly the reason your friends do not talk about sex etc is because you tell your DH everything. My friends and I are very open, nothing is taboo or untalked about...from sex to birth to families etc And, in the same way I respect my friends privacy, i also respect my DH's and don't talk about his secrets to my friends!
    I think this is where the discretion thing comes in. I talk about sex, etc, with my friends and vice versa. I don't then feel the need to go back to DF and go "So and so said this about her sex life" and regale him with a lengthy tale. Like others have said, if I told DF every discussion I've had over the course of my day in its entirety, I'd never stfu. I don't think "Not keeping secrets" means you go out of your way to sit your partner down and tell them everything. I think it just means(well, FOR ME, and MY relationship) that if it's relevant, needed, or if he asks I'll tell him. I don't keep secrets, and for me a secret is something you go intentionally out of your way not to tell someone. If one of my friends came to me and was like "Omg, this embaressing thing happened to me during sex the other night, please don't tell anyone, not even your DF!" I'd think it's kind of odd, and actually have to reevaluate the friendship, not because they wanted me to keep a secret, but clearly because we are not on the same page with things. At the least I'd explain discretion, that I don't go out of my way to tell him every detail of my day, he wouldn't be overly interested regardless and if he was, I don't keep secrets from him. I'd also have to reevaluate it, because I've come to realise the people who reiterate that you are not to tell every tom, d!ck and harry anything they tell you are generally the people who do gossip. This is not true for all friendships, certainly, but in my past experiences this is how it's been. I don't feel the need to tell my friends not to tell anyone something, simply because it never crosses my mind that I'd be the topic of discussion for them outside of their relationship if it were warranted. I'd also have a very hard time trusting someone who said "Don't tell anyone, but..." to me. But that is just me, and certainly not applicable to everyone. But it's what I've learned from my experiences. Just as an edit: If someone told me some massive secret and then told me not to tell DF, I'd be astoundingly furious. I don't like other people putting constraints on my relationship. Everyone who talks to me KNOWS I don't keep secrets from my DF, they know full well I'll tell him ANYTHING he asks, and if he asked about whatever it is I'd tell him with no hesitation, and deal with my "friend" being angry at me. And yes, I do put the word friend in quotation marks on this point. I'd be furious that this person would know, however, and then tell me whatever it is and then try and do what I would see as meddling in my relationship, which is to tell me to go against my relationship, the boundaries we have put down in it, and cause unncessary trouble for me and my DF. It might not seem serious to everyone else, but DF and I don't keep anything from each other except for "surprises". Being told to not tell him something IS big in our relationship. Intentionally keeping things from each other IS a betrayal of the trust that our relationship is built on. It might not be for anyone else, but it's not anyone elses relationship. Just like my friends trust me to be discrete and not go gossipping unnecessarily, I trust them to never put me in this position for any reason. If it's something they, without reservation or doubt don't want my DF knowing, they know full well not to tell me.
    Last edited by Jennaisme; 19-03-2013 at 11:45.

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  3. #132
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    DF doesn't know everything there is to know about me, but its not because I hide it, just that I don't feel the need to tell him every minuscule detail of my life. It's impossible to know everything about someone.

    Would I fell DF about stuff a friend has confided in me? Yes. Largely because I'd probably need a sounding board. Maybe also because I'm interested in how he feels about it (like a friend whose partner cheated on her) and also he can give me perspective or tell me if I handled it well/gave decent advice. I don't go out of my way, but if its relevant or I need to talk about it, then I will.
    He has told me about things his friends have said/done. Like one friend who went overseas for his bucks party, and had sex with someone else over there (actually went to that country for the sole purpose of paying for a Thai prostitute). And another friend who calls his wife fat and treats her like dirty (ad she is about my size - not fat at all).

    If my children wanted me to not tell DF about something, it would depend massively what exactly it is, and why they didn't want him to know.
    Last edited by Rarity; 19-03-2013 at 11:25.

  4. #133
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    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    possibly the reason your friends do not talk about sex etc is because you tell your DH everything.

    My friends and I are very open, nothing is taboo or untalked about...from sex to birth to families etc

    And, in the same way I respect my friends privacy, i also respect my DH's and don't talk about his secrets to my friends!
    Actually, no, we dont talk about sex because its not something I discuss with my friends it never has been, I am not comfortable talking about it with anyone besides DH. And I happen to just be friends with like-minded people who feel the same.

    I have to say, I find it frustrating that people cant just accept that its different for different people, sure its different in your circle of friends, no one is saying you have to feel or do the same as others, so why is it so hard to accept that for some people, sharing with their husbands is the norm and that everyone involved is ok with it?

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  6. #134
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    I don't care what others do, but saying that there are trust issues in your relationship because you don't tell your partner things your friends have said.

    My husband is a very private person. He is the person everyone says things to because they know he won't go and tell everyone. If I told him some private things my friends told me, he would be disappointed.

  7. #135
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    I'm single now, but in all the years with ex, I can't think if a single instance when I was asked to keep something (secret) from him...

    If there was any kind of *secret* we were both be privy to it. I don't even know if I deliberately kept (personal) stuff from him tbh, well certainly nothing major... But surely I didn't share every private thought with him! That would just be embarrassing

  8. #136
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    I wonder if it has something to do with what your friendship circle is like? Perhaps people share more with their partners if they've been with their partner longer than they've known their friends, or if you mainly have couple friends, or something. As I said earlier, my friends have been my best friends since year 7- coming up to 20 years. I've been with DP 12 years, and we are the oldest couple. My group of friends has seen partners come and go, but we will always be together. We've known each other since we were children, so there's a lot of history there. We also tend to hang out just the girls, not many of our partners are close friends. Maybe that has something to do with it?

  9. #137
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    I wonder if it has something to do with what your friendship circle is like? Perhaps people share more with their partners if they've been with their partner longer than they've known their friends, or if you mainly have couple friends, or something. As I said earlier, my friends have been my best friends since year 7- coming up to 20 years. I've been with DP 12 years, and we are the oldest couple. My group of friends has seen partners come and go, but we will always be together. We've known each other since we were children, so there's a lot of history there. We also tend to hang out just the girls, not many of our partners are close friends. Maybe that has something to do with it?
    This could certainly have something to do with it. My husband and I have the same group of friends. My best friends partner is one of my husband best friends. We generally spend the majority of our time as a group, occasionally we do have girls nights or the boys have boys nights but the majority is all of us together, or else one on one with myself and my bestie.

    Oh and ETA: I have been with my DH for longer than ive been friends with our friends, I had to move to be with DH so all of my friends from school etc dont live near me etc.
    Last edited by peanutmonkey; 19-03-2013 at 11:53.

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    i tell dh everything. at times he couldnt care less but as i dont have close friends there are somethings i need off my chest and i find he's a great listener and has enough common sense to keep things between us.

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    I have loads of different circle of friends. I've got my old school friends who I've known for over 20 years. I've got work friends who I've known for nearly 10 years and mothers' group friends who I've known for 5 years. I've also got friends I met overseas when I lived in London who I've known for over 10 years. My husband knows all of them, but he does have his own group of friends.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennaisme View Post
    As part of my job I have to sign a confidentiality agreement, which is fine because it's work, and work and my personal life and two completely and separate things that I keep that way.
    I'm actually surprised it took this long for this issue to be brought up. There are many jobs where confidentiality is paramount, and in those jobs the employers would not tolerate an employee breaching confidentiality because they see themselves and their partner as one entity. (I know that is the way marriages were in times past, but that is no longer the case. Everyone is still an individual now.)


 

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