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  1. #111
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    That's understandable Jarylee, I work very much the same. Internal stress for me is horrible, I have physical effects from stress and I very much need to talk to release some of it. A very, very private friend of mine has just been given a matter of months to live and heck yes I went home and cried and told DP.

    For things that won't cause me any stress/worry - like a friend's hemmorhoids - well I don't see why DP needs to know "everything" iykwim. I'd consider that breaking a friend's trust. And I'm sure he'd actually appreciate not knowing some things really... like that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jarylee View Post
    Firstly I'm not implying people don't confide in their partners because they can't trust them. In some situations that is the case and in other relationships they just don't share everything

    I can't stress enough that i believe every relationsip is different and I don't judge them if they are different to me.

    To answer your first question, I have never been in that siuation so i can't really relate. Im sure if I had to sign a legal document though that my husband wouldn't know as it's then the law.

    To try and give you a better understanding.....
    As a person I am a complete worry wart and I always need to talk my thoughts through or they overwhelm me. So many of my friends come to me for advice and sometimes its a lot to take on. My husband is my sounding board. I don't tell him to 'gossip' i tell him because I need to get my thoughts out or I can't think clearly. Or if I'm worried about advice I have given i will confide in him to see if I have done the right thing. Other times I will tell him just because I have a desire too. My friends know me really well and accept me for who i am as i do with them.

    I hope that makes some sort of sense
    This is exactly what I was trying to say earlier. I suffer from GAD and I tend to take others problems on as my own and get very stressed out and worked up by them which leads to panic/anxiety attacks. I talk to my DH about things as a way of trying to keep sane in the chaos.

    But like I said many times, my friends are aware of this. And are ok with this. So im not breaking confidences, or gossiping and DH, my friends and I are all ok with the way things are, so its not a problem for us

  3. #113
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    Curious about the ones that say they tell their partners everything - do those partners actively ask and actually want to know everything?

    I'm just wondering if my DH is in the minority for having nil interest in knowing about any of my friend's personal issues. He usually doesn't ask... so I don't tell him. Of course, there has been the odd time when he's said 'Sarah seemed unhappy today, is she okay?' and I'll say 'She's having some health issues' and leave it at that. Won't talk about how she's battling depression and crying at the drop of a hat as to me that's a private issue and not something DH needs to know. So long as it doesn't affect him I think he's quite happy to float along knowing the bare minimum when it comes to my friend's various relationship/health/family issues. That's not to say he's cold, heartless or uncaring... but I just know he's got enough other stuff to worry about anyway.

    Family issues are a little different. For example, he knows that his sister talks to me about stuff that she wouldn't talk to him about. He's fine with that. I would never tell him some of the stuff she tells me as its not my place to and it's not going to hurt DH at all by not knowing. If there is something that he can actively HELP her with then he'd want to know but otherwise he's happy with letting me be the main moral support to her out of the 2 of us.

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  5. #114
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    Quote Originally Posted by WineTime View Post
    Whats the deal with the people who've replied that they tell their husband everything (other peoples secrets included, presumably) but they dont tell them how much money they spent shopping? That doesn't speak of a totally open and honest relationship either.
    I know!!

    I'd be a bit annoyed if I knew my friends told their husbands all about my business 'because we don't keep secrets from each other' but then said "Do you like my new shoes? I told DH they were on sale"

    I think I'd say "ok... So it's important that your husband knows all the gory details of MY life, but not yours?!"

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jarylee View Post
    Firstly I'm not implying people don't confide in their partners because they can't trust them. In some situations that is the case and in other relationships they just don't share everything

    I can't stress enough that i believe every relationsip is different and I don't judge them if they are different to me.

    To answer your first question, I have never been in that siuation so i can't really relate. Im sure if I had to sign a legal document though that my husband wouldn't know as it's then the law.

    To try and give you a better understanding.....
    As a person I am a complete worry wart and I always need to talk my thoughts through or they overwhelm me. So many of my friends come to me for advice and sometimes its a lot to take on. My husband is my sounding board. I don't tell him to 'gossip' i tell him because I need to get my thoughts out or I can't think clearly. Or if I'm worried about advice I have given i will confide in him to see if I have done the right thing. Other times I will tell him just because I have a desire too. My friends know me really well and accept me for who i am as i do with them.

    I hope that makes some sort of sense
    This exactly. I've not seen someone say someone elses partner wasn't trustworthy because they don't share everything. I never even thought it, and if I came across that way I do sincerely apologise. That was unintentional but still rude.

    My friends come to me for advice. They come to me for advice on big things and little things and everything in between. It happens a lot, and it gets emotionally exhausting when you're the only person they ask for advice because you can be coldly logical and speak from a place of fact rather than a place of emotion. My friends know this, they know they aren't the only ones who come and talk to me about big, big, BIG stuff. And for everyone, big stuff is different. Like the foster care thing. For me, that's not a big issue, I don't find it confronting and nor will I spend days thinking/worrying about it, so it never crosses my mind to tell DF. Not because I'm keeping it a secret, but simply because I never think so. If, on the incredibly off chance he asked me about it, I'd tell him. But my friends always, ALWAYS know when they come to me, that DF is my sounding board. I never keep this a secret from any of them. They know I don't take offence if they choose not to talk to me for this reason. They know if they say "Don't tell your DF" that there's a very high likelihood I'll give them a hug, tell them I love them but I won't keep things from my DF, but they also know the reasons why. If it's a big enough thing that it needs to be kept from my DF, then I can't promise to, because I know how badly things can weigh on me and the affects they have on me. It's not fair that my DF will be badly affected by something that he knows nothing about.
    I respect my friends relationships, and therefor never put them in a position that could potentially harm them, their partners or their relationships indirectly. And they do me.

    All relationships are different. *I* see the secret keeping as a childish high school thing that should have stayed there. Discretion is something people grow into, or I always believed so. But what I class as secret keeping, and someone else classes as secret keeping, or secrets in general, may be two different things. Which, judging by this thread, they quite obviously are. And that's fine too. I don't think anyone else is strange for that. It doesn't affect me one way or another. Whatever works, works. But this is how it is for my friendship circle and my relationship. And that works. I know that if either DF or I found out we were purposefully keeping secrets from one another, then it would upset the both of us, because we have pretty much always had an open and honest relationship where there are no secrets there, whether it be ours or anyone elses.

    As part of my job I have to sign a confidentiality agreement, which is fine because it's work, and work and my personal life and two completely and separate things that I keep that way.

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  9. #116
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    I agree with you Sonja, I get that some tell their other half everything and that's fine. I wouldn't call them names, so I'm not quite sure why the names are being thrown around the other way - untrustworthy. How am I untrustworthy because I don't tell DP about my friend's boobs, or haemrhoids? I don't understand how this could be the case. I'd say I would be rather untrustworthy if my friend asked me to not tell anyone something really personal and potentially humiliating and I did it anyway. My DP is the most non-judgemental person I have ever known but I'm pretty sure sometimes he wants me to shut up as it is, he doesn't need to know about my friend's poos/sex life/embarrassing issues.

    I suspect there are some things he doesn't tell me to spare me from stress. This doesn't bother me in the least and I have absolutely zero trust issues within my relationship. I trust him implicitly, which is why if a friend of his told him something confidential I'd have no issue whatsoever if he kept it to himself - BECAUSE I trust him!
    I don't know if this was prompted by one of my posts or not, but if it was, I sincerely apologise. I never meant to imply that there's a lack of trust in anyones relationship. They just work different. The sharing of everything is a part of the trust in my relationship. And that's how it works, and how it would be seen, from our perspective about us, but that doesn't mean it is with anyone elses.

    I did write up a whole big reply, but it didn't go through and tbh, I can't be bothered doing it again.

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  11. #117
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    No, neither of us actively try to find out things.

    We share if it comes up, if it doesn't, we don't.

    I guess I don't tell her everything, but I could, and would if necessary.

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    Sorry! Double post.
    Last edited by Here Kitty; 19-03-2013 at 10:21.

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    If I confided something personal to a friend and asked them not to share it, I mean it.
    If someone were to tell their partner after I asked them not to I'd be mega ****ed and untrusting.
    It is NOT your secret to tell, it is NOT being dishonest to your OH.

    If something is said to me and it's not a serious matter or I haven't been asked to not tell anyone then yes I may bring it up with DF but otherwise I keep it to myself like I've been asked.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MrsOhara View Post
    If I confided something personal to a friend and asked them not to share it, I mean it.
    If someone were to tell their partner after I asked them not to I'd be mega ****ed and untrusting.
    It is NOT your secret to tell, it is NOT being dishonest to your OH.

    If something is said to me and it's not a serious matter or I haven't been asked to not tell anyone then yes I may bring it up with DF but otherwise I keep it to myself like I've been asked.
    I understand what you are saying. However I think it's been determined throughout this thread that friends are aware that we tell our partners everything. All of my friends know, otherwise it's dishonest! Then it's their decision whether they tell me or not

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