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  1. #101
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jarylee View Post
    I tell my husband EVERYTHING!!

    All my friends know this about me so when they tell me a secret they know my husband will know too. He is honestly the most trustworthy person, even my friends tell me secrets in front of him.

    I couldn't imagine our marraige any other way. That's us, and it's what works for us. I don't think there is any right or wrong here. Like any relationship they are all different!
    DH and I are both lawyers and are regularly asked to sign confidentiality agreements by clients or our law firm agreeing that we will not disclose anything we might learn when working for that client. Years ago I was involved in the defense of a high profile politician who was charged with a crime. I would have lost my job if I broke confidentiality.

    Would you still tell your husband if it meant you'd lose your job? Or would you say up front I can't work on this because I can't keep it confidential?

    Sorry not singling you out but I'm genuinely fascinated by this.

    I also don't really like the implication people are making that those of us who don't tell our spouses everything do so because they aren't trustworthy. My DH is one of the most trustworthy people I know and is also incredibly sensible and great to go to for practical advice. But I still don't tell him stuff that my friends just don't want anyone else to know.

    I think the point people are missing is it's not about our partners - it's about our friends.

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  3. #102
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    Coming in late sorry. I don't tell DF everything, if it doesn't affect him negatively then I won't talk about close friends. Not talking of idle gossip "he said she said" but serious life problems mentioned a few posts up, he is not close with my friends and I know they wouldn't bring up their private problems infront of him, so I am not going to go straight to him and tell him. I don't feel it is "secret keeping" just respecting friends privacy and being a safe place to vent/seek advice. To be honest it's not something I have ever really thought about much before because I just automatically register that this is something my friend has trusted me enough to tell, it's not my business to share it with anyone else and why would I need to?

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  5. #103
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    I also can't think of many situations where I would need to debrief with DP over something personal a friend told me. If i were to discuss these things with him, it would be gossip, plain and simple.

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  7. #104
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    There are plenty of instances where people tell each other personal info without it having to be 'high schoolish', like my abortion example. Or relationship issues, a friend of mine had huge problems with her DH a few years ago, but wasn't going to leave him. She spoke to me about it and asked me not to tell anyone because she thought she would be judged for not leaving. Or another friend who is on meds for depression and doesn't want the world to know. Another who lived in foster care for a while as a teen and doesn't like telling people why. These are all serious, private issues that my DP doesn't know about. I'd hardly call them childish or immature 'I have a secret but you can't tell anyone' scenarios. Some people are just very private. Like Greenhorn, there are things I've told my friends that i would be devestated if I found out they'd told anyone, even their partners. Some of my friends partners are not my closest friends. Some have only been on the scene 5 years or so, whereas my friendship group goes back 20 years. I'll say it again, if someone tells you a secret, it's not yours to tell. It's fine if the friend understands from the get go that you'll be telling your partner, but what if someone tells first and then decides they want it kept secret, what do you say? Too bad I'm telling? That's happened to me loads of times, I'll have a d&m with a friend, then after the conversation they'll say 'please don't tell anyone' what happens in that situation?
    Just to answer you question...

    For me personally, my friends know me and they know my relationship. They always say, tell ***** but don't tell anyone else. If anyone has a secret they don't want my dh to know then they won't tell me i'm guessing. I only have D&Ms with people that I am really close too anyway, so that wouldn't come up for me as I would already know whether or not they confide in their partners.

    I have friends who don't tell their partners everything, because they can't trust them not to say anything and others just don't feel comfortable doing so. Again all relationships are different. Whether its between a partner, friend, parent etc...

    I have a friend who tells her partner everything & I don't like or trust him at all. I don't tell her anything I wouldn't want anyone else to know. I take people for who they are and my friends are the same.

  8. #105
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    I agree with you Sonja, I get that some tell their other half everything and that's fine. I wouldn't call them names, so I'm not quite sure why the names are being thrown around the other way - untrustworthy. How am I untrustworthy because I don't tell DP about my friend's boobs, or haemrhoids? I don't understand how this could be the case. I'd say I would be rather untrustworthy if my friend asked me to not tell anyone something really personal and potentially humiliating and I did it anyway. My DP is the most non-judgemental person I have ever known but I'm pretty sure sometimes he wants me to shut up as it is, he doesn't need to know about my friend's poos/sex life/embarrassing issues.

    I suspect there are some things he doesn't tell me to spare me from stress. This doesn't bother me in the least and I have absolutely zero trust issues within my relationship. I trust him implicitly, which is why if a friend of his told him something confidential I'd have no issue whatsoever if he kept it to himself - BECAUSE I trust him!

  9. #106
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    My DH and I share and discuss most things (and not in a gossipy way either). I have kept things told to me in confidence to myself though. Mostly it's embarrassing stuff he wouldn't want to know anyway, and once someone asked me not to tell him specifically. I don't feel this impacts our marriage, I assum he does the same for his friends.

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    Whats the deal with the people who've replied that they tell their husband everything (other peoples secrets included, presumably) but they dont tell them how much money they spent shopping? That doesn't speak of a totally open and honest relationship either.

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  12. #108
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    Quote Originally Posted by WineTime View Post
    Whats the deal with the people who've replied that they tell their husband everything (other peoples secrets included, presumably) but they dont tell them how much money they spent shopping? That doesn't speak of a totally open and honest relationship either.
    I dont really get that either - DH and I have a joint bank account, so even if I did want to keep it from him (which I dont), all he has to do is log into our banking app and he'd know anyways lol.

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  14. #109
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    DH and I are both lawyers and are regularly asked to sign confidentiality agreements by clients or our law firm agreeing that we will not disclose anything we might learn when working for that client. Years ago I was involved in the defense of a high profile politician who was charged with a crime. I would have lost my job if I broke confidentiality.

    Would you still tell your husband if it meant you'd lose your job? Or would you say up front I can't work on this because I can't keep it confidential?

    Sorry not singling you out but I'm genuinely fascinated by this.

    I also don't really like the implication people are making that those of us who don't tell our spouses everything do so because they aren't trustworthy. My DH is one of the most trustworthy people I know and is also incredibly sensible and great to go to for practical advice. But I still don't tell him stuff that my friends just don't want anyone else to know.

    I think the point people are missing is it's not about our partners - it's about our friends.
    Firstly I'm not implying people don't confide in their partners because they can't trust them. In some situations that is the case and in other relationships they just don't share everything

    I can't stress enough that i believe every relationsip is different and I don't judge them if they are different to me.

    To answer your first question, I have never been in that siuation so i can't really relate. Im sure if I had to sign a legal document though that my husband wouldn't know as it's then the law.

    To try and give you a better understanding.....
    As a person I am a complete worry wart and I always need to talk my thoughts through or they overwhelm me. So many of my friends come to me for advice and sometimes its a lot to take on. My husband is my sounding board. I don't tell him to 'gossip' i tell him because I need to get my thoughts out or I can't think clearly. Or if I'm worried about advice I have given i will confide in him to see if I have done the right thing. Other times I will tell him just because I have a desire too. My friends know me really well and accept me for who i am as i do with them.

    I hope that makes some sort of sense

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  16. #110
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    Quote Originally Posted by missie_mack View Post
    I tell my husband basically everything- anything not told is probably just not worthy of mentioning or forgotten.

    My Mum has this relationship where there are lots of things not told to her husband. It is rather awkward, you can never be sure what can be said and what cannot be said. There are whole factors of her life that he doesn't know about, which is just strange to me. I get her position that they have no direct affect on him, particularly about her past before him but eventually it will come out and I cannot imagine what he will think- if it were I, I would be gutted that my partner/husband covered these things up from me.... and it is stuff that will come out eg. she has fibbed about the years she married and divorced my father- if she died before him these things would have to be provided on her death certificate!..... Anyone DH and I often talk about it and don't want a marriage like theirs with secrets and topics that cannot be discussed.
    That's different. My husband knows everything about me, but I don't go out of my way to tell him everybody else's business.


 

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