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  1. #91
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    Who's getting worked up?

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    Quote Originally Posted by LollyDolly View Post
    I tell dp mostly everything....except for how much I've bought at the shops!
    Haha I don't usually tell DH this either. I get busted when my Internet shopping arrives though

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    Quote Originally Posted by peanutmonkey View Post
    I dont get why people are getting so worked up that some people share with their husbands/partners? The majority in this thread have said that they are open about it with their friends and that everyone involved is aware and ok, yet people are still saying that if you share your betraying confidences and being unfair? Im sure this happens sometimes but thats not what the majority in this thread are saying?

    Im with you girl X, my life and group of friends isnt filled with secrets and all that.
    I guess because I've never sat down with my circle of friends and said "so hey do you all tell your partners everything I tell you?". I honestly don't know whether they do or they don't. But this is why I tend not tell them stuff that I don't want their partners to know. I just assume people do and so I don't put them in that position.

    Re BigRedV's example, I can't honestly think of any reason my DH would want to know the specifics of a friend's birth. I agree I'd just say complications and leave it at that. Even if i wasn't asked not to share I just wouldn't. Why does anyone else need to know the specifics.

    I guess I'm surprised so many people know how their friends feel about every topic they discuss. I've had friends for over 20 years and things arise in life no one can predict so it's always a journey I guess.

    As for not making friends after your 30, I've made heaps of friends since my kids started school. Some of them have become extremely close to me. Not sure I really get that comment TBH.
    Last edited by Sonja; 19-03-2013 at 08:51.

  4. #94
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    If a friend of mine told me something personal, about her body/birth/assault/whatever and told me to not tell DP I don't see why I'd need to tell him TBH. Unless it affects him there's no need for him to know. I'm pretty sure I tell him too much, and far too much TMI as it is I don't think I could betray a friend and tell him something they specifically asked me not to.

    I'd expect he would do the same if a friend of his confided in him about something personal or embarrassing and this wouldn't bother me in the least, nothing to do with me.

    I tell him everything that affects him - finances, my health, our families etc. Generally if it is something that I've found hard to take I tell him to get support.

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  6. #95
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    Quote Originally Posted by missie_mack View Post
    I tell my husband basically everything- anything not told is probably just not worthy of mentioning or forgotten.

    My Mum has this relationship where there are lots of things not told to her husband. It is rather awkward, you can never be sure what can be said and what cannot be said. There are whole factors of her life that he doesn't know about, which is just strange to me. I get her position that they have no direct affect on him, particularly about her past before him but eventually it will come out and I cannot imagine what he will think- if it were I, I would be gutted that my partner/husband covered these things up from me.... and it is stuff that will come out eg. she has fibbed about the years she married and divorced my father- if she died before him these things would have to be provided on her death certificate!..... Anyone DH and I often talk about it and don't want a marriage like theirs with secrets and topics that cannot be discussed.
    I'm not thinking about secrets like that. These are her secrets and I agree I wouldn't keep things like that from my DH. I'm talking about friend's secrets.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Girl X View Post
    Well, as I said earlier... it's not really a big issue now that we're all in our 30s! (The "I have a secret and you can't tell" type conversations, I mean...)

    If a friend did ask me to keep a secret from DH then I would simply say straight out that I wasn't prepared to keep secrets from him, and would understood if that meant he/ she didn't want to tell me something. That's never happened with a close friend though, as we're all on the same page with that.

    But tbh I'm a little confused about all this discussion of secrets, etc. It's just not how my friendship group works. Maybe because I'm an old person on BH?!!!
    I am almost in mid 30s friends are closer to 40 .. There is still conversations we have that we don't want shared .. We don't call them secrets ..they are Private conversations ..

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  10. #97
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    There are plenty of instances where people tell each other personal info without it having to be 'high schoolish', like my abortion example. Or relationship issues, a friend of mine had huge problems with her DH a few years ago, but wasn't going to leave him. She spoke to me about it and asked me not to tell anyone because she thought she would be judged for not leaving. Or another friend who is on meds for depression and doesn't want the world to know. Another who lived in foster care for a while as a teen and doesn't like telling people why. These are all serious, private issues that my DP doesn't know about. I'd hardly call them childish or immature 'I have a secret but you can't tell anyone' scenarios. Some people are just very private. Like Greenhorn, there are things I've told my friends that i would be devestated if I found out they'd told anyone, even their partners. Some of my friends partners are not my closest friends. Some have only been on the scene 5 years or so, whereas my friendship group goes back 20 years. I'll say it again, if someone tells you a secret, it's not yours to tell. It's fine if the friend understands from the get go that you'll be telling your partner, but what if someone tells first and then decides they want it kept secret, what do you say? Too bad I'm telling? That's happened to me loads of times, I'll have a d&m with a friend, then after the conversation they'll say 'please don't tell anyone' what happens in that situation?

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  12. #98
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    I tell my husband EVERYTHING!!

    All my friends know this about me so when they tell me a secret they know my husband will know too. He is honestly the most trustworthy person, even my friends tell me secrets in front of him.

    I couldn't imagine our marraige any other way. That's us, and it's what works for us. I don't think there is any right or wrong here. Like any relationship they are all different!

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    Exactly what I was about to say FL, I'm not talking about 'secrets', but about private information my friends share with me that my husband has no need to know. If I had an unexpected pregnancy and didn't know what I was going to do, or if my husband had had an affair, or if my husband had hit me, if I'd been seeing someone and caught an STI from him, if I was having marital issues and considering leaving, if I'd had childbirth complications rendering me a little incontinent/with bowel issues- all things I wouldn't want my friends' husbands to know, and there would be no need for them to know, and certainly no deception on my friends' (their wives') part in not telling them.

    I don't even wait for people to say "Don't tell anyone". To me, its obvious these things are private and not to be shared. In fact, if I am talking to a friend about the things in my life and wouldn't care if she told her OH, I'd explicitly say, "I don't care if you tell so-and-so", otherwise I assume my business is kept private.

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    I was just thinking, my husband told me the other day about his mate who needed to get hemorrhoids removed or something, and I actually said to him that I don't think his friend would really appreciate me knowing that. I would feel so embarrassed if I was discussing that with a friend, who then went home and her husband asked how my pregnancy is going, for her to reply that I was a bit constipated and had hemorrhoids as a result. Even if I hadn't explicitly said not to tell him, I just would expect that she would keep it to herself.


 

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