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  1. #61
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    Hitting your child is not on. If you fail to protect your child from being belted then your child will resent you for it. (Speaking from personal experience here, I'll never forgive my mum for sitting on her **** while I got 'smacked.').

    Stay strong, tell a friend what's going on and best of luck.

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  3. #62
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    Life is to short with someone who demeans your contribution and tries to make you feel worthless.When I was on maternity leave with our two year old (who was not an easy baby) my husband would always say to me, "I don't care if you haven't done anything around the house when I get home. You're taking care of Eli and that's the only thing that's important, and I know it's not easy. I can help tidy up when I get home."

    Many years ago I had a partner who used to harass me for sex. Now I have a husband who cares about what I want, and would never expect me to do anything if I wasn't in the mood. Consequently, I'm in the mood sooooo much more! Sex isn't fun when it's made into a chore, a way of "servicing" another person.

    I agree that there might be more to this. I'm just hypothesising, but say someone else has caught his eye and he comes home every day to the domestisity and chaos of a young family and yearns to a living the single life again. If that's the case, he's really stupid. He'll wind up losing his family and then he'll realise that you're the one with the rich, meaningful life with kids who love you and he's living a shallow, self-centred existence. I could be wrong about that but the fact that he is trying to make this about you, as if you're a disappointment to him, smacks of a man who is projecting because he doesn't want to see himself as the bad guy and is creating a reason to make it your fault.

    A absolute basic minimum for marriage, IMO, is respect for each other. He has demonstrated that he does not respect you. He does not deserve you.Your life will be so much better without him. Please do yourself a favour and show this nasty excuse for a husband the door. You deserve to be happy and appreciated.
    Last edited by jellybeanicecream; 15-03-2013 at 21:58.

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  5. #63
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    Sorry, folks, for the unbroken paragraph...I did break that up but I can't get it to save that way!

  6. #64
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    It really upsets me that he is using your bipolar diagnosis against you. It is an illness, not a reason to have a go at you.
    If you had diabetes or crohns, or another chronic but not mental illness, would you find it acceptable if he used it against you? I doubt it.
    He sounds like he is behaving in a controlling and emotionally abusive manner. There is a difference between a bad day and a pattern of abuse, it really does not sound like his behavior is healthy.
    Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that it is ok to treat people the way he treats you?
    Please talk to a professional, seek some help. I am worried for you.

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  8. #65
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    we've only been married 2.5 years, together for 7. How can it all be going so wrong so soon.
    I texted him (cos hes a work) somethings i needed to say, eg, i HAVE to work now and i cant do it all and we are in a partnership not a dictatorship. He replied 'i know, i dont expect you to. Do you realised i do more when you do more (as in housework he means)'.
    I kinda thinking there is something else going on. I may be that hes feeling less lilke a man/provider cos hes on trainee wages and not earning enough.

    The horrible thing now is everyting i clean/tidy something i feel like im doing it because he told me to.

  9. #66
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    He does more when you do more?? Wth?? How can he do more when you doing more means that there's not much left for him to do AT ALL??!!!!!

    So now he's trying to make you feel like you're in the wrong…… like you're being silly and unreasonable.

    And just on the time thing, I left my husband two weeks before our 3rd wedding anniversary and at that point we'd been together for ten years and had two children. Don't get hung up on the time, just focus on what is right and what is wrong with this relationship.

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  11. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by loislane2010 View Post
    we've only been married 2.5 years, together for 7. How can it all be going so wrong so soon.
    I texted him (cos hes a work) somethings i needed to say, eg, i HAVE to work now and i cant do it all and we are in a partnership not a dictatorship. He replied 'i know, i dont expect you to. Do you realised i do more when you do more (as in housework he means)'.
    I kinda thinking there is something else going on. I may be that hes feeling less lilke a man/provider cos hes on trainee wages and not earning enough.

    The horrible thing now is everyting i clean/tidy something i feel like im doing it because he told me to.
    There might very well be something else going on. He doesn't sound very happy tbh. But that said, if he is unhappy, or something is going on with him, he needs to man up and deal with it, not take it out on you. You are his wife, that means you support him and listen to him, not that he can verbally abuse you, treat you like a maid and make demands in the bedroom.

    As for "feeling less like a man"? Whether true or not, it is not good enough as an excuse.

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    OP do you think you would both benefit from some time apart so you don't feel likes chattel and he can stop the abuse because you're not around to abuse anymore? I know when DH and I went throu a rough patch a while back he moved out so we could out some distance and perspective on our lives. We weren't married then but it worked.

    Is that doable? Do you have someone who could look after the kids while you work (other than your DH?). It's easy for us to suggest these things but can you make it work in reality? If he does have other stuff happening (which it sounds like he does) it might give him sme space to realise how much he has to lose.
    Last edited by Sonja; 15-03-2013 at 15:13.

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  14. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by missie_mack View Post
    So what parenting is done by the other parent?

    Personally for me I stay home to be a parent and educator to my children, not mother my husband or being the domestic help
    Do you think that all working parents go to work at stressful jobs for more money because they like stress? No its because they want to provide their family with nice things, it works both ways

    Quote Originally Posted by loislane2010 View Post
    Thanks for the replys all. Im still at a loss of what to do. We barely said two words to each other last night and tonght i have to work (which im actually looking forward to). A friend came over yesterday for a chat and she tidied a bit. First thing DH said was 'thanks for tidying up'. I got a text message yesterday and DH said 'can you please change tha ring tone, i hate it'. I said, its MY phone to which he replied 'and i dont have to listen to it??'.
    I just dont get it. Im so hurt and now every little task that i would normally be happy to do is like im obeying him.
    I used to be able to say hes a great dad but now im not sure. He yells at DS constantly (hes going through a whingy/crying phase) to te point where i think DS is scared of him. He smacked DD last night cos she was throwing a tantrum abd left a perfectly formedbight red hand print on her back. Now dont get me wrong im ok with a smack on the bum occassionally but on her naked back .
    Im almost not comfortable going to work cos im worried hes going to yell or something at the kids.
    Im so confused. I do love him and i want him to stay but i hate the way hes treating me.
    I guess i need to add that over the past year we have had some prety major things going on. I was recently diagnoised bipolar and have been put of medication for it. My mum tried to kill herself over xmas and i had to pick up the pieces to that. I feel like he may be resenting me for these things. Yes, i get that it must have been hard for him but its been hard for everyone. I do find he comments alot if ive been having a bad day. He'll say things like 'did you take your meds today?' or 'maybe you should see the doctor about upping your meds'.
    I feel like ive done everything i can...ive drugged myself for gods sake. What more can i do?
    Yes i get that since DD was born its been hard for him but thats life. What it hasnt been hard for me???
    Sounds like you guys have a lot of stressful things going on did his attitude change when all this started? Did he mean to smack her on the bum?

    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    how can you love a man who hit your child? How can yu love a man who is abusive to you? How can you love a man who does not even rate your basic needs as important? What exactly is it that you love about this thug?

    I would suggest that you are not in love but you are dependant.

    You are in the middle of it and cannot see it...but, you need to get out.
    My husband has spanked my son and I still love him there isnt anything wrong with a spanking if its warranted.

    Quote Originally Posted by loislane2010 View Post
    we've only been married 2.5 years, together for 7. How can it all be going so wrong so soon.
    I texted him (cos hes a work) somethings i needed to say, eg, i HAVE to work now and i cant do it all and we are in a partnership not a dictatorship. He replied 'i know, i dont expect you to. Do you realised i do more when you do more (as in housework he means)'.
    I kinda thinking there is something else going on. I may be that hes feeling less lilke a man/provider cos hes on trainee wages and not earning enough.

    The horrible thing now is everyting i clean/tidy something i feel like im doing it because he told me to.
    Dont think of it like your obeying him, dont let people rile you up into thinking this way if you wanted to clean up then it was done because you wanted it to be done. Maybe when you go to work you can leave a list of things you didnt get to that day and maybe ask him to try to get to them after the kids are in bed.

    Something has to work, counseling or talking I dont think all these pleas for you to leave him is right something else is going on

  15. #70
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lovemyfam View Post
    Sounds like you guys have a lot of stressful things going on did his attitude change when all this started? Did he mean to smack her on the bum?
    There is a distinct difference between a smack and a hit.

    And no, people don't work in stressful jobs because they 'like' stress. But just because they work in a stressful job doesn't mean they can come home, behave like a total a$$ and treat their partners like slaves.

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