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  1. #1
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    Default what does it mean to be a SAHM/wife?

    DH and i are just NOT getting along anymore. After a big talk last night hes basically said im not doing my job as a SAHM/wife and hes not sure how much more he wants to be with me.

    So what exactly does it mean to be a SAHM/wife??

    He works full-time, 7-5 and helps me with the dishes when im home (i work 4 nights a week).
    I get the kids breakfast ever morning, shower/dress them, do the kindy run, take them out for play dates etc. Then they nap and i have a sit down, watch some trashy tv and have lunch. Then the kids wake up, i usually sweep the floor, tidy a bit. Then if im working i have to start dinner and go to work at 5-530pm. If im home i clear the table, do the dishes help shower the kids, get them ready for bed etc.

    Im not sure what else he expects of me. Do i have to clean, cook, iron while the kids are sleep??

    Im not doing well here. I feel like a failure and DH doesnt love me anymore

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    I work 2 12 hour shifts a week, but am with kids the rest of the week. I totally get your frustration. Dh has often insinuated, and a few times flat out said that he does not need to help out so much around the house, as I only have to work 2 out of 7 days. This morning, like every morning I am home, I tidied up his breakfast mess, put away his discarded clothes, cleaned up the mess he left when he cleaned out his bag, and kindly left the pile of reciepts, broken pens and snotty tissues in a pile on the couch.
    Here is what I figure. Dh gets an hour lunch break, they also take 20 for morning tea. He also gets "think breaks" for crying out loud! If the kids are asleep/occupied (my youngest is asleep, dd at preschool today), then why can't you have a meal break, morning tea or a think break? Taking care of kids is exhausting, they require constant physical and mental stimulation. Just because there is no wage attached to the job, does not make it less challenging.
    Have you e er sat down and explained exactly what you do all day? Recently dh was home sick while I went about my day. He was surprised by how busy I actually was, all day. Sure he is still a lazy git, but at least he has some understanding now why the house is a mess or the dishes don't always get washed.
    You are not a failure. Please don't think that.

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    I don't think you're any more a stay at home mum than he's a stay at home dad. Surely he watches the kids at night while you're at work? What's wrong with his arms? Why can't he pitch in?

    I don't like the term 'stay at home mum', it sort of sounds like mothers are chained to the kitchen, not allowed to leave. I don't know many mums at all who make a point of staying at home every day. It's a strange term.

    I'm not a wife [yet] but live as a defacto wife with DP and housework and cooking is just stuff that we both do because it needs doing. Just because you're a mother IMO doesn't mean it should all fall on your shoulders. This is an old fashioned attitude and I have even had housemates who pulled this crap on me, that I should have done more because I was a fulltime mum at the time.

    DP's job is to make sure I am happy and fulfilled with life, and that's my job to do for him. Our jobs aren't to make each other feel inferior.

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    Hun massive hugs

    But you work 4 nights are week you are not a machine. I think you are doing a great job plus working geez what does he want?

    I am a FULL time SAHM so yes I do everything cook, clean, laundry but he takes care of the outside stuff, bins, dogs, etc but this is our agreement with each other. I have time to take her to swimming, parks etc. again "our" agreement not a job description.

    I can't believe he expects you to do more than what you do plus work 4 nights I'd be so tired.

    How can someone say they don't love you anymore because of cleaning?

    Please don't feel like a failure please you are NOT

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    I just wanted to point out that my DP runs a business and works MUCH longer hours than 7-5, 5 days a week and he well and truly does his share of cleaning. A job doesn't mean you deserve a maid. What would he do if he were a single dad? I don't like the excuse that working means completely unable to do things at home. I can understand if it's a hugely physical/draining job there'd be less time for housework, but just because his wife has a different job doesn't mean he gets out of daily life like everybody else in the world.

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    I wouldn't even say you were a SAHM if you work four nights a week...not a fulltime one anyway . My mum was a SAHM and didn't work at all and was (mostly) happy to do all the housework (except dad did the dishes). But if Mum wanted to work part-time I'm sure Dad would have helped around the house more (and us kids too once we were old enough).

    I assume you work at least 20 hours a week plus look after the kids during the day...that would be exhausting if you were expected to do all the housework as well! Sounds a bit unreasonable.

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    With us...i am a student (on campus 2 days a week) and DH works full time (leave at 6.45 - home at 5.15). We have DS (8 and in Year 3) and DD (2 and does daycare the 2 days I am at uni)

    I do most of the kids "stuff" as far as cleaning and organising...ie I get them ready for school/pack lunch boxes/make sure there is food for the lunch boxes/plan dinner/make sure they have clean uniforms/remember homework/after school activities.

    As for the rest...we share it best we can. We both have times of being more productive and less productive. DH is good at always doing the dishwasher, i am better at doing the washing up for the things that cannot go in it. DH does a lot of the traditional man stuff (like cleaning out gutters and gardening/mowing, rubbish bins) and i do more of the clothes washing and bathrooms/toilets and general tidying.

    He tells me if there is something specific he needs done...but if i say i cannot get it done there is never an issue. As he does not often make these requests...i do my best to help out if i possibly can.

    He often says how much he loves that I can be home for the kids (note, for the kids...not for the housework) and appreciates what ever i can get done.

    He takes a week off each year while i do work placement and he does all the day to day stuff...so he does understand how much goes into getting stuff done. He also realises how much of a difference the "working person" makes with how much they clean after themselves/jump in and do stuff/making an effort to be proactive.

    Really, i am a stay at home MUM...not a housekeeper. Our house varies from spotless to disaster zone throughout the week/month lol

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    what does he do while you are at work 4 nights a week?

    During the day you would be caring for the kids....so, are the kids in bed while you are at work? If they are...he should do his ironing then and some of the other housework!

    Just because your work hours are not at the same time as his does not mean you are not working!!

    Sorry, your DH seems to not have any clue...how can he expect you to be the traditional "housewife" when he is not the traditional "breadwinner". Are you able to demand that he starts earning more money? Because, he is being a total hypocrite!

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    I'm home alone with the kids most of the week; DH flies out Sunday afternoon or crack of dawn Monday morning, and arrives home around 9.30pm Friday night.

    My role is to take care of the children, but realistically I need to do housework too. If I didn't cook we wouldn't eat, if I don't do laundry there are no clothes, if I don't clean the house is dirty.

    When DH is home he does heaps... He does most of the cooking, the gardening, kids' baths etc.

    I'm pretty much on top of things now and I like it when the house is clean when he arrives home, but if it wasn't he would need to suck it up. Sometimes we have to prioritise, and my children's happiness will always trump a spotless house.

    OP, what I really don't understand about your situation is that you're both working parents. Why does he see it as your role to clean during the day, but not his role to clean at night?

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    I really get tired of the negative connotations attached to "sahm". I only work 2 days/nights, and I have several friends who are full time sahms, we all work bloody hard! The majority of the time, I work harder at home than I do in paid employment. There are quite a few part timers at my work, we all joke that we go to work for a rest.

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