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  1. #11
    headoverfeet's Avatar
    headoverfeet is offline The truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off. -Gloria Steinem
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    Hi earthlyangelic I'm sorry your having to make this decision it's never one many people really want to be in

    I found my decision to have a termination relatively easy to make in my head, I think knowing what it is like to have children made it easier for me, before children I did not think I would ever have a termination..as you said knowing what it is like to have children adds another element to it.

    I have found it difficult recently as I would of been due last month but I look around myself and I know I could not handle another baby right now. When I found out I thought about how much things could change in 9 months but I could not gamble on those things changing (and they haven't) I am glad I made the choice I did.

    I try to think of it this way, I had the choice to become a mother (again) I didn't think I should have to become one by default, I wanted to choose it not have it choose me, motherhood by choice is my motto

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    Lovemyfam  (05-04-2013)

  3. #12
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    Coming from someone who has had a termination before i know how hard the decision is. At the time i wanted to keep the baby however i was young and not in a great situation, although i have support from my boyfriend at the time to keep the baby my mother pretty much disowned me so i ended up terminating.

    You need to know either way there will be light at the end of the tunnel. For months i regretting my termination and blamed my mother however 3 years later i am so thankfully that i made the decision i did and even thank her for it. I am now with a different partner and 5 months pregnant and really excited and happy for this baby. It is so much easier having a baby when you have support from everyone but at the end of the day its your decision.

    If you want to ask me any questions feel free to pm although i had a surgical abortion. Xx

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    Lovemyfam  (05-04-2013)

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    Earthly angelic - what a difficult decision you have to make.
    I agree with other posters, only you can make this decision, and you need to put yourself above all others ATM to make that decision.
    Did your DP say he would leave you if you had the child? I ask whether you have come to this conclusion on your own, or if he said it to you.
    You may find that he would support any decision you make.
    Good luck.


    Xx
    Last edited by Mod-RaryGirl; 01-05-2013 at 11:48. Reason: referring to deleted post

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    I fell pregnant with DD after only being with DH a few months, so I had to decide between termination and having her. It tore me up inside trying to figure out and it really is a decision only you can make (DH didn't even weigh in as he said it was my choice) after thinking of every possible outcome and scenario I decided )just as a previous poster said) if I was having that much trouble deciding then it meant deep down I wanted to keep her and when I realised that I also realised that the idea of keeping her sat better within me then the other choice even though terminating had a longer pro list. Big hugs it is one of the hardest decisions that only you can make x

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    Op I have not been in your situation and I won't pretend I have been but big hugs with whatever deduction you end up making


    Me (21) DH (25) DS (4) DD (2)
    Sent from a magical mobile bubhub device in a galaxy far far away
    Last edited by Mod-SammiAnn; 01-05-2013 at 11:40.

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    Mathermy  (01-05-2013)

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    I wasn't in your situation when I had a medical termination at 20. I was with a man who had other kids and didn't want another. When I found out I was pregnant I also found out he had been cheating on me with about 4 other kids. I didn't want to tie myself to him or the baby to him for the rest of our lives.

    I wish I hadn't been in that situation but I don't regret having a termination.

    In your case what do you think will happen if you keep the baby. Do you think your DP will leave? Apart from setting career plans back will you be able to afford it? With your DP and also on your own (worst case scenario - I am a planner). What is the one issue at the top of your for termination list is the thing that is most influencing you if you were to go that way.

    The practical side of me says (without knowing all your reasons) if there is enough reason to have a termination don't beat yourself up, if you want to have children again then you can do, you know this already. You do get through things but sometimes it is better if you don't do it the hard way.

    The emotional side of me knows that faced with the same decision now would I find it as easy as I did when I was 20? I doubt it.

    If I was you I would cut out all the smaller, can get around them reasons, in both columns. Choose your deal breakers. Go on instinct. Either way it isn't an easy decision and I am sending you all my virtual thoughts and love. Good luck

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    Hi earthlyangelic,

    I imagine by now you've come to some decision regarding your pregnancy...

    The decision to terminate a pregnancy is a completely personal one, and it certainly doesn't help that abortion has such a stigma attached to it.

    I myself had an abortion some years ago - I was lucky and had complete support from my partner (now DH!) and family. I've never regretted the decision - I believe at the end of the day, you know in your heart of hearts what you want to do - its just putting into action and trying not to over analyze or guess what will happen in the future that's the hard part....although for many years I had this tremendous sense of guilt....it took me a long time to realize that those feelings were fed by society's tendency to shame and silence women who've had or are considering abortions. It's still classified as a criminal act in many states, for goodness' sake!

    It's a part of life. Like headandfeet said - motherhood by choice

    Whatever you decide to do, you will handle it. I hope you find some support!
    If you're feeling alone - know that you're not! Somebody somewhere is going through (or has gone through) the exact same thing. And BH is a great resource - even in my short time here I've found it very comforting.

    Feel free to PM me, if you like.

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    I will Not claim to know what you are going through. I do have a friend who dealt with this a little while ago although she is married and her youngest is quite a bit older than yours. Also, I did battle with this decision a tiny bit due to my current very unplanned pregnancy.

    In my own situation, it was never about money or the effects on my relationship as DF and I have been together for almost 5 years and have 2 children together already. It was about how I would cope with another baby and having only a 20 month age gap again. In November, I will have 3.5 DD, 20 month DS and a newborn. DF works away (albeit only for 8 days a fortnight) and I am away from all family support.

    DF was the one who brought up termination as he was not ready for another bub. We were contemplating having more, but not for at least 3 years.

    In my own mind, I could not bring myself to do it due to what you said about having kids already and knowing what bub looks like etc. I know we can get through it and that I can do it on my own as I have done for almost 3 years.

    However, that is MY decision and opinion for MY situation.

    My friend made the decision to have a termination due to how ill she was. She could not move from the couch, she already has 2 kids who were missing out because she had pre natal depression due to feeling so sick all the time. Her DH also works away but for 4 weeks at a time.

    She has at times struggled with her decision due to feeling that she should have sucked it up and dealt with the sickness because it MAY have gone away at 13 weeks.

    What I have maintained with her, is that she made the decision that was right for her and her family at that time. It may not be perfect now as she has come to the EDD of the would be baby and her thinking how she would have a baby right now etc, but she also can see (for small periods of time) that right now in her life, having a newborn would dramatically affect her life in regards to buying their first house, being able to run her business and also how much time she gets to spend with her children.

    As PP's have said, no one can tell you which decision to make, but you need to be 100% ok with the decision you make. Especially in regards to a termination as it will have effects on your mental health. Seeing a counsellor is such a good idea (my friend never saw anyone), and also maybe talking it out with your partner to determine exactly where he stands in regards to whatever choice you make.

    Not saying it is in anyway his decision or you should base your decision on his feelings, but maybe knowing for eg that should you keep the baby, he would stay/leave, may help as you will know what your life situation would be should you choose to keep bub.

    Hugs. I hope you have the support you need and can come to a decision that you are comfortable with.


 

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