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  1. #11
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    Yeah I was wondering if its actually a jealousy thing more then anything too and Tbh it really does sound like it is.

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    redlipsandpearls thanks for that. I have thought about that but I dismissed it as I have honestly tried everything with them.
    His parents are divorced and with his dad - I have said many times (in front of DH and privately) that he is welcome anytime. I also take DD whenever we are shopping nearby into the shop he manages so she can see him.
    He comes over for dinner on some special occasions but often declines saying his gf will have tea ready for him etc.

    With his mum (who lives with her parents) - I have rang/texted asking if they will be home when I am near them and have always been shut down with a no we are not home. Also when I went back to work I asked DH if he wanted them to look after DD one of the days I work (as they had offered) and he said he didnt want them to
    I also often text them pics of DD saying hey nanny. this is what ive been doing. hope to see you soon, (or sometimes an outright invitation - i.e come and have afternoon tea with me in my cubby one afternoon) love dd xx

    So while I am definitely more invested in my family and see/talk to them more I do try my best to foster the grandparent/grandchild relationship

    Onion, thanks I think it has to do with that too as in general he is quite socially 'rude' what I mean by that is he isnt someone to engage with people - he doesnt ask how they are or talk to them more than he has to. His Dad has anxiety and is on tablets and the reason DH refuses to seek help is his dad is apparently zombie-like now and he doesnt want to be like that himself.

    Im trying to think of a way I can broach this subject without it feeling like an attack on DH. suggestions? or should i just have an ultimatum act more interested in my family/friends (but does that solve anything cos he still wont like them) or get help with your issues or Im gone? (but then Im not ready to divorce my husband over this?!) Im so confused.

  3. #13
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    *sigh* I know the feeling.
    My DH doesn't 'hate' my family but he does resent them and it makes life really uncomfortable. He whinged and moaned whenever it came to driving to visit them (an hour away) because it was too far and he doesn't really like them that much.

    I think it infuriated him that we always had to make the effort to go visit them rather than them coming to see us because his family were on the other side of the country and not ABLE to come and visit often.
    My family were relatively close by in comparison and yet couldn't be bothered to come and visit. I've never been particularly close to my family because they never bother making an effort and I got sick of being the one always chasing around after them, but DH's family are really close and I think he gets a bit cranky that they pretty much ignore us for the most part.

    So while I hate the fact that he's so annoying about going to see them etc, I can understand why. I just absolutely hate the melodrama that goes along with the day or two before we actually go and visit them and having to say every time 'suck it up princess, we're going. You'll play nice and you'll tolerate the visit because without them you wouldn't have me and your son as your family!".

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    How awful OP I think if someone said they hate my parents well they hate me too - I'm me mostly because of them. I'd ask your DH to not speak about it to you, I find it insensitive and disrespectful personally. I don't even badmouth DP's friends, let alone his family.

    Can you go to family events without your DH so you can enjoy yourself? My DP gets along really well with my family but he finds 'big' events in general a bit overwhelming and I find myself having a better time not worrying that he's uncomfortable. I'd just go with the kids and enjoy yourself, he can stay by himself if he 'hates' them so much.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Isabellabean View Post
    redlipsandpearls thanks for that. I have thought about that but I dismissed it as I have honestly tried everything with them.
    His parents are divorced and with his dad - I have said many times (in front of DH and privately) that he is welcome anytime. I also take DD whenever we are shopping nearby into the shop he manages so she can see him.
    He comes over for dinner on some special occasions but often declines saying his gf will have tea ready for him etc.

    With his mum (who lives with her parents) - I have rang/texted asking if they will be home when I am near them and have always been shut down with a no we are not home. Also when I went back to work I asked DH if he wanted them to look after DD one of the days I work (as they had offered) and he said he didnt want them to
    I also often text them pics of DD saying hey nanny. this is what ive been doing. hope to see you soon, (or sometimes an outright invitation - i.e come and have afternoon tea with me in my cubby one afternoon) love dd xx

    So while I am definitely more invested in my family and see/talk to them more I do try my best to foster the grandparent/grandchild relationship

    Onion, thanks I think it has to do with that too as in general he is quite socially 'rude' what I mean by that is he isnt someone to engage with people - he doesnt ask how they are or talk to them more than he has to. His Dad has anxiety and is on tablets and the reason DH refuses to seek help is his dad is apparently zombie-like now and he doesnt want to be like that himself.

    Im trying to think of a way I can broach this subject without it feeling like an attack on DH. suggestions? or should i just have an ultimatum act more interested in my family/friends (but does that solve anything cos he still wont like them) or get help with your issues or Im gone? (but then Im not ready to divorce my husband over this?!) Im so confused.
    Gosh this sounds like my DH. I have tried with his family over and over again and he never bothers with his.

    Then, because he doesn't see his much, he makes me feel guilty for seeing mine. I think it is a jealous thing- my family says 'I love you' alot, we stick by each other wen times are tough, we see each other often. Whereas his family are the polar opposites.. And this leads DH and I into silent treatment for me, and then finally telling me that he is uncomfortable with my family.

    Hugs. It's ruddy hard.., I still don't have a solution. So I sympathize with you on this.

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    It's a very difficult situation, and it sounds as if he has no reasons that you can think of to take against them so much.

    However - and I'm not saying this justifies him behaving badly around them - I have to say that I would be very upset if DH wanted to stay with his parents (with or without me) for up to 6 weeks a year (once every 2 months). Even if it was only 4 weeks a year - that's a lot of precious holiday time!

    I understand it's difficult when they don't live close, but perhaps he is resenting the time that takes out of your year, and also the amount that eats in to holiday allowance the two of you could be sharing together (without families)?

    As I said, it sounds as if his behaviour could use a bit of work (especially the public declaration part), but I can have some sympathy with him if you/ he are staying with them for that long and that regularly throughout the year.

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  8. #17
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    OP, sounds like your DP might have an issue with depression.
    Everything you described screams low self esteem and very controlling behavior (they usually go hands in hands).

    I think he needs to work on his low self esteem issues.

    Good luck x

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    I think it sounds like he has low self esteem around them and that he does not feel good enough for you around them so to make himself feel better be says be hates them .maybe he doesn't hate them but hates how he feels around them. It's a really sad situation for you . Don't put up with this it's emotional blackmail. You love him but you also love your family , you have a right to both. I would ask him to think about it and write down one good reason he hates your family because you need to know, it cannot be ' because they are stupid ' ( that name calling stuff) it has to be ' because I feel inferior around them' or ' they never say anything nice about me " .... Something you can work on. Hates a massive word and I think you need to encourage him to explain.

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    Hate is a strong word and if my DH confessed to hating my family I would be upset. But i do think Missie and GirlX make some valid points.

    I don't hate DH's side of the family, but without getting into it too much they live their lives and see the world in polar opposites to how we do. I find myself enduring family gatherings sometimes and secretly wish I could stay home. There are other issues too which sway my thinking. Put me in the same house for a whole week every 2 months with them and I would go crazy Part of it is that I'm a very private person IRL and enjoy just being with my DH and kids, so put me in a house with *my* family for a week and I'd be the same.

    While I totally get you are hurt, clearly he doesn't gel with your folks. Whether his reasons are valid or not, that's how he feels. So if I were you, from now on go without him. Don't even ask him so he doesn't feel guilted to come and have a 2-3 day visit once a month on your own.

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    To me it sounds like he has low self esteem. Maybe he thinks your parents are the 'ideal'. Ideal job, marriage, drive, determination, income etc and he can't match that and can't give you what your parents have. Everytime he goes to your parents house and it's so obvious that they are great people and you love been there and if your life isn't the same maybe he feels inadequete as a husband/father/provider?

    I am not defending his actions but just trying to think like he is. Maybe he finds it easier to speak down about them and look annoyed then admitting the truth.
    I think you need to sit him down and have a good talk about his behaviour and how it will affect your relationship long term. He needs to realise this attitude can't go on forever and maybe he will get his point across for a happy compromise.


 

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