+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 22
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    512
    Thanks
    163
    Thanked
    67
    Reviews
    6
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts

    Default DH hates my parents - HELP

    Hi all.
    Im just needing some advice and a place to vent on an issue that has me confused, sad and feeling guilty. Sorry for its length in advance.

    In a nutshell: my husband 'hates' (his words) my parents.
    Meanwhile I love my parents and honestly think they are 2 of the best people on the planet (not that they are perfect but that they are nice people who love us and would never purposely cause problems/rifts between DH and I or themselves and DH).
    Now onto the specific problem:
    My family (including all extended family) live 4hours drive away at the other end of the state so I try to visit every 2 - 3months and stay for a week at a time. The problem is knowing DH's feelings about my family I feel guilt whether he comes with us or stays home by himself.
    I have gone without DH many times and have twice since her birth just taken DD and myself and that's fine with me however DH wont ring, barely replies to text or facebook messages while we are gone and when I questioned him the last time I went about it he claims that he cant as it reminds him how much he misses us and makes him sad, lonely, depressed etc.
    Or he can come with us and then I feel guilty that he uses up his holidays with 'people he hates'.
    Now I will say this: I do get a bit annoyed at my DH when he comes as he makes it tense by not speaking unless spoken too, by not pitching in with anything (even DD's first birthday party etc.) and whilst staying there he doesnt get up til 11am, he then either play games on his phone, visits people with me (always given the option - do you want to), Dad usually has an arvo off work and they play golf, we take DD swimming etc. and he then spends all night with my brother playing xbox/ps3 late into the night. So I dont see how he can 'hate' it that much however I just saw on his facebook that during our previous trip he was messaging someone how much he hated it and his inlaws etc. It makes me sad that he publicly declares how much he hates my parents despite them never doing anything bad to him (or me) and them going out of their way to do stuff he likes (i.e golf) and trying to get to know him.

    I know in my heart I shouldnt feel guilty about visiting family as DH is an adult, this was the situation when he met me (parents living away) and he knew how important family was to me. However I cant help it and I feel that this will be an ongoing issue throughout our marriage/DD's childhood (I should add my family is big on family holidays, celebrating events so I can only assume we will spend more time with them as our child/ren get older)

    Sorry for my ramble but I guess I just dont know what to do - do I confront DH about his attitude/behaviour whilst around them, do I just tell him to stay home barring special events, or do I just leave it and hope he doesnt have an anxiety/depression episode as he spends more time with them in the future (he wont go to the dr about them so I dont know what to call it exactly however about once or twice a year he seems to have a mini breakdown and all this sort of stuff come out/up and becomes a huge issue for a few weeks).
    HELP

    What do you do if you are in a similar situation?

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Posts
    2,027
    Thanks
    4,429
    Thanked
    550
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    If they haven't given him any reason for him to hate them (which from what you've said, sounds like they haven't)...then I think he is acting rather spoilt and selfish by causing a rift there for absolutely no reason, and he needs to wake up to himself and start putting in some effort, rather than making things difficult for you.

    I would be so offended if a partner acted rude towards my family members for no reason, or made no effort at all to get to know them and become one of the family. That would be a huge deal breaker for me, and it sounds like it could become one for you too. Has he ever spoken up as to why he feels this way towards your parents? I think you need to have a good chat with him about it, the sooner the better!
    Last edited by ~ElectricPink~; 07-03-2013 at 23:59.

  3. The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to ~ElectricPink~ For This Useful Post:

    angelini  (07-03-2013),atomicmama  (07-03-2013),Isabellabean  (07-03-2013),jagamoe  (07-03-2013),mama and her little bearxxx  (07-03-2013),Mod-Myztik  (07-03-2013),VelmaDinkley  (07-03-2013)

  4. #3
    FearlessLeader's Avatar
    FearlessLeader is offline Winner 2013 - Most Memorable Thread
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Posts
    10,724
    Thanks
    2,498
    Thanked
    9,116
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Quote Originally Posted by ~ElectricPink~ View Post
    If they haven't given him any reason for him to hate them (which from why you've said, sounds like they haven't)...then I think he is acting rather spoilt and selfish by causing a rift there for absolutely no reason, and he needs to wake up to himself and start putting in some effort, rather than making things difficult for you.

    I would be so offended if a partner acted rude towards my family members for no reason, or made no effort at all to get to know them and become one of the family. That would be a huge deal breaker for me, and it sounds like it could become one for you too. Has he ever spoken up as to why he feels this way towards your parents? I think you need to have a good chat with him about it, the sooner the better!
    Yes, this. I would be heartbroken if DP said he 'hated' my family. How rude! Even if he doesn't get along with them particularly well, as EP said it sounds like they've done nothing wrong to him, so he needs to learn to have some respect for your parents, and the grandparents of his children. It sounds like he's behaving appallingly.
    Gosh, there are some of DP's friends who I don't particularly like but i don't say anything because it's merely a personality clash not that they're bad people. I would never make it difficult for him to see them, or say anything about it- and they're just his friends not his parents!

  5. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to FearlessLeader For This Useful Post:

    atomicmama  (07-03-2013),Isabellabean  (07-03-2013),~ElectricPink~  (07-03-2013)

  6. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    3,515
    Thanks
    432
    Thanked
    3,242
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Is it possible that he resents them never coming to visit you? I think hate is a pretty strong term, but I know I start resenting when it's me that has to go and visit everyone and it just seems they can't be bothered with me.

  7. The Following User Says Thank You to Jennaisme For This Useful Post:

    Isabellabean  (07-03-2013)

  8. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    512
    Thanks
    163
    Thanked
    67
    Reviews
    6
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Thanks - so its not just me that thinks he should do his best to get over it and move forward?

    Fearless Leader - I agree. I was taught that hate is a strong word and to reserve it for the worst of the worst. I can honestly say I dont hate anyone I know and although I dont get on with everyone I dont hate them I just dont 'mesh' with them.
    Jennaisme - They do visit us. They do own a business though and are involved in charity work etc. that makes it difficult but they do visit 3 times a year at least and my brother will come down as well separately and game with DH. Oh and my nan is still alive and late 80's so I go up to visit her as much as anyone else

    I definitely think selfishness is part of the problem I also think that for him all of it is different and weird as his family never has get-togethers and they never call/visit much. All his family live within 15mins and we see them maybe once a month and they are no help in terms of looking after DD at all.

    DH has never said I cant go and see them etc. however he just makes it tense while they are here/he is there or else I know that he is apparently hating it at home without us. I truly think he believes he is being some kind of 'hero' for putting up with them and coming etc. and would truly think I was picking on him if I bring up his lack of enthusiasm/interest in any of them as well as his hurtful facebook messages.

    However I actually dont know what to do - I have tried to talk to him about it before and nothing has changed and in fact Im nearly scared to question him as to be honest I had no idea he didnt like them at all until I was pregnant with DD and he 'snapped' and then it all came out (hate them, interfering, how they think he isnt good enough etc.) so im worried if I bring it up again more will come out and I really will be put in a 'choose' position and I couldnt cope with that.

    To be frank we have a very good marriage and I only have two issues with him in general - this is one and the other is his lack of help/interest in the home. And I do think both are connected to his upbringing and some kind of anxiety/depression problem (which as I said seem to rear its head a few times a year).

  9. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    4,765
    Thanks
    1,903
    Thanked
    2,790
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    That sounds really rude and childish of him. I haven't "hated" anyone for no real reason since I was in primary school.

    Is he confusing "hating" your parents with "hating" visiting them and being out of his comfort zone? If he doesn't like visiting them because he feels uncomfortable for whatever reason then I think that's a fair thing for him to express, but expressing it as hatred for the people who invited and welcomed him... Well yeah, sounds like something a 6 year old might say.

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to shelle65 For This Useful Post:

    ~ElectricPink~  (08-03-2013)

  11. #7
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Posts
    4,786
    Thanks
    1,021
    Thanked
    2,246
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I think you husband lacks respect.
    Your parents raise you and because of them you are here today.
    They are not abusive towards you or him yet he hates them?

    The way he was raised to some extent will influence him but his behavior is out of line. Not speaking to them unless spoken and generally avoiding them while in their house is rude to say the least.

    Have you spoken to him about this? Have you asked him exactly why he hates them? Maybe he has control issues, maybe he is intimidated by them could be a number of things.

    As for his behavior while you are away it's called having a tantrum. If you ignore it they eventually give up.

    Personally I would be having a pretty serious talk with him.

    Disrespecting my family is a huge no no for me but I guess everyone is different.

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to Janesmum123 For This Useful Post:

    ~ElectricPink~  (08-03-2013)

  13. #8
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    566
    Thanks
    47
    Thanked
    71
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    My husband is a different person since getting his anxiety/depression sorted out, he used to be so angry/snappy/negative because that's how he covered up his being uncomfortable.

    I'll guess that your family situation makes your husband feel uncomfortable because it's so far apart from his own family situation. I'd try and get him to talk to someone about his feelings, maybe if you can get his anxiety sorted out, you could work on why he feels uncomfortable with your family.

    Easier said than done I know! Hugs to you.

  14. #9
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Posts
    512
    Thanks
    163
    Thanked
    67
    Reviews
    6
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Yes we have spoken the once when I found out he hated them and that was only 2years ago (despite him having known them for 6+years) and to be honest if we werent married and I wasnt pregnant I believe it would have been a relationship breaker.
    His reasons:
    1) he just doesnt like them , they are the opposite of him and he will never get on with them.
    2) they dont think he is good enough (has no evidence or reason why he thinks this he just thinks its true).
    3) they interfere (and to be honest he was close on this one although mum and I had spoken about this and she promised they wouldnt be anymore and they havent). I should add it was with good intentions (i.e they came down to visit and wanted to help with getting the garden up to scratch when we first bought our house but were quite opinionated and he got mad at them - only time he has ever been rude to them).
    4) Also had some weird things that I think he just made up like dad rushes into things without thinking and is unorganised at work? WTF?

    So I could agree with his 3rd point and once I told him that it had been discussed he said oh I didnt know that etc. and conceded he shouldnt have gotten mad at them.

    Also for all the people saying have a talk with him - how, about what? What can I say/do?
    The reason I ask such a stupid question is I truly dont know how/where to go. Because I cant make him like them and he doesnt overtly do the wrong thing (i.e he doesnt yell at them, he doesnt not answer their questions etc.) however I do feel guilty any time a visit to them or them to us is involved in our lives so how do I convey that without just causing a blowup that has no solution?
    I really feel stuck between a rock and a hard place

    Its hard as both of us are non-confrontational and to be honest I only apparently get the 'truth' out of him when he is angry - he just doesnt come to me with problems until they are huge/tear him up inside.

  15. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    6,028
    Thanks
    5,464
    Thanked
    4,398
    Reviews
    20
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Speculating here, but is it possible there in no problem with your family as such, but that he resents his own family for not making as much effort when they live closer and whenever you see your family it reminds him that his family isn't as connected?
    Also, do you make effort to see his family? It may seem like you are too absorbed in your family that you don't bother with his. If that makes sense
    Last edited by atomicmama; 07-03-2013 at 14:51.

  16. The Following User Says Thank You to atomicmama For This Useful Post:

    Isabellabean  (07-03-2013)


 

Similar Threads

  1. DS hates my right breast?
    By OneWithUnagi in forum Breastfeeding Support
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 10-11-2012, 12:55
  2. My 18 Mth odl hates going to sleep
    By JolyV in forum Toddlers (1 year olds)
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 07-06-2012, 10:07
  3. HELP 8wk old HATES the car
    By Rachel0204 in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 29-05-2012, 21:00

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Ro&Co
Share magical moments this Christmas with this gorgeous gingerbread house. Exclusively available in Brisbane, with FREE delivery in Brisbane Metro areas. Each Christmas Centrepiece is unique and made to order, from $240.
sales & new stuffsee all
Bub Hub Sales Listing
HAVING A SALE? Let parents know about it with a Bub Hub Sales listing. Listings are featured on our well trafficked Sales Page + selected randomly to appear on EVERY page
featured supporter
Einsteinz Music
Fun & interactive music classes!
Classes are taught by professional musicians! Children are taught the fundamentals of music: beat, pitch, rhythm and tempo through hands-on experience. Click for more details!!!
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!