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  1. #1
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    Default What do you think. ? [long ).

    What does everyone think of my mum?

    Background..My mum and dad were married and had myself and my sister who is two years younger than myself. My parents split up when I was 6 and I went to live with my dad, my sister stayed with mum. During that time she quickly formed a relationship with a much younger man and it wasn't happy, they both drank heavily and my sister was practically bought up in pubs....I went back to live with her at 16 and it was much the same story..

    They weren't particularly interested in us, for example we moved a few suburbs away because we moved into state housing but wanted to still attend the same school. We had to catch three buses there and back, they never picked us up. No interest in our schooling either.

    Anyway fast forward a bit, my sister and husband live interstate from where my mum lives. They lived here for a couple of years but went back a couple of years ago because apparently mum never made an effort to visit her. My mum chooses not to drive and tells people she can't be bothered catching buses. I live two suburbs away and the only time she comes to my place is if I invite her to dinner and go and pick up and drop off. Otherwise I have to go and see her. Otherwise I don't see her. She feels no guilt about this at all. She has no friends , she doesn't want any. She did have but she makes no effort and then they get sick of it and leave. She doesn't visit brothers and sisters , she sees one brother but that's because he makes the effort. She does go and see her mum in a nursing home but her brother drives her.

    Anyway fast forward to know. My sister whi is 40 has a hubby and one 5 year old. She recently had her fourth miscarriage on the anniversary of her meeting her hubby. Understandably she is devastated,,,anyway she wants mum to go over there. Mum could fly over there, she is now retired. But she doesn't like to go over and stay with them ,not exactly sure why and gives excuses such as her cat ( someone could feed the cat for her) . There have been dramas with them before over this. It makes me quite depressed that my mother is so crap at being a mother. My sister is sad that she is practically begging her to come over and she won't. She told my sister, I don't want to be a mother sometimes and my sister says well don't be and hung up.

    Mum is always angry at something or someone, is very abrasive and I feel like she is very controlling with her anger. She also smokes a lot of pot , she's in her 60s. I know , pretty immature right?

    Now my mum has found out that my sister has told me about the fight and I may be gng interstate , I offered too. Mum was annoyed at that..

    I really feel like just getting rid of my mum from my life. Life with her is such a roller coaster...

    Thoughts?
    P

  2. #2
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    I would have let her go years ago.

    Just start giving her as much as she gives you...

    hugs, it sucks when our parents are not what we hope they would be.

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    I would have stopped trying years ago. I cant fathom a parent not wanting to be an active part of their childs life. Sorry your mum is such a let down.

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    Do you really have to ask? I think you already know the answer..
    I would have given up a long, long time ago.

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    Unfortunately, nurturing doesn't come natural, or at all, to some mothers. I have learnt from witnessing someone close go through this, you will have a massive weight lifted from your shoulders the moment you let her go.

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    From the sounds of it, your sister and you need to realise your Mum is not going to be a Mum you guys need and want. So for both your sanity and happiness I think you either need to just be aquintances or cut off ties completly.

    She is lucky she has you for support

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    But why is she like this? Can't she be bothered? I just need to understand...

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    Unfortunately I think you need to let go, maybe its the push she needs to understand she has go give back a little. I do think it shouldn't come from anger or frustration maybe tell her or write her a letter explaining how her lacking of efforts has made you feel and that you're backing off, maybe if you're willing tell her she can get back to you when she can be bothered.
    My MIL was a roller coaster too, her own kids believe she has issues and since cutting her out my life is great. No more drama or emotional blackmail!

  10. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnyflower View Post
    But why is she like this? Can't she be bothered? I just need to understand...

    hun, there is no reason that will ever make it ok. I know it is hard, but sometimes we need to accept that we cannot always understand the "why".

    One thing for absolute certain, it is nothing to do with you or your sister. Nor is it any failing of your children. Some people are *********, there is no one at fault except that person.

    The best thing your mother ever did was have you and your sister, this means that the 2 of you have each other. Thank her for giving you a sibling and be there for each other, take on that nurturing role for each other and don't waste another moment on your birth mother.

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  12. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by sunnyflower View Post
    But why is she like this? Can't she be bothered? I just need to understand...
    You'll never know Hun, and wondering will only drive you crazy. I know this from personal experience. My Mum is different to yours in that she does drive, does have friends (god knows why) and rather than divorce, my parents have just been miserable for years and basically can't stand each other.

    BUT she has absolutely no interest in her children or her grandchildren. My DD was 6 months old when she met her, but that was only because they came to DS's birthday! And that's just for show. Coming to visit to see us? Spend time with us? Not interested. But a visit for appearances? Yep.

    She also lies. Apparently it's all my fault we see them 1-2 times a year. She told my Aunty she rings here and I never ring her back. Um, she hasn't called me in nearly 2 years! If I ring her, she never calls me back. She sends emails for birthdays and Christmas, and has never been there emotionally for me.

    I used to think it was just me. And it tore me apart inside for years. But she is just as bad with my sisters, and once I realised that a year ago, I've let it go. I don't care anymore. I tried for years to have a relationship with her and all it did was stress me out. We don't get on, never really have and she will never change.

    It's taken me a LONG time to get to this point. Decades in fact. But she isn't the Mum I always wanted and she isn't the Grandmother the kids deserve. She's just not the nurturing kind. So I will take the lessons she taught me about Mothering and do everything opposite to her so that MY kids won't ever have to feel the way I did for years. They will know I love them, care for them and will never shut them out of my life.

    Walk away. And don't look back. People who suck the life out of you aren't worth your time. And go talk to a Counsellor if you think it will help


 

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