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  1. #181
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buttermilk View Post
    Yes she did Sassy Mummy. Just because people are having 5k dresses, high teas or whatever, a wedding! They are greedy and spoilt? Why, because they didn't make it low key?
    Demanding cash, no one demands cash amounts, wanting to re coup costs because they can't afford it? All your assumptions.

    And yes I think it's more polite to respect people's traditions and customs, you are their guest.
    I don't quite agree with this. Years ago DH was best man at a very traditional Greek wedding, where he was expected to pay for candles, as well as other things, and then at the reception they did the whole pin the money on the bride thing. None of us had much money, and the b&g were amazing and told DH they'd pay for the candles and the pinning money on the bride was entirely optional for those not Greek. I think that was a very classy way of handling it. I'm happy to honour someone's traditions, but unless you are ofthe same faith i think expecting a guest to is unfair.

    As for the price of the present, I care what I spend on someone else, but I don't care what someone spends on me. I really believe it's the thought that counts.

  2. #182
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    Gah you are just picking a fight and twisting my words bc you don't like what I'm saying. You aren't even reading my posts. I said the 5k dresses and *note* demanding people pay for expensive high teas and then Hen's Nights. Can you see I'm saying when people *demand* stuff. If you blew 50k on your wedding good luck to you, I don't care. What I care about, is when the B&G get all demanding, particularly with costs and money. I don't know how much clearer I can make it.

    We are going around in circles so I'll leave it there.
    I'm not twisting your words, I can see what you are saying, I just don't agree with you. You are using the word 'demand' to make your point stand out, but I don't think brides who 'ask' their bm to pay for their dresses (for example) are demanding and selfish/greedy.
    You gave an example above. Look, wishing wells are very common, people live together, have house stuff so put a wishing well so people don't waste money on stuff they don't need. I don't find it rude or demanding at all! People are going to come with gifts, it's common sense to tell people if you just want money.
    You asked her mum what to give, she didn't actually call you or put a demand on the invite. And to be honest $100 per couple is very reasonable and common so her mum obviously gave you that amount is an indicator since you asked. I can't imagine a bride saying "I want $100 minimum from each guest" I really can't and have never come across that. In this case to me it isn't demanding at all if she didn't put it on the invite and tell everyone. I would not be offended by that, and I certainly wouldn't call anyone selfish or greedy for it.
    I'm not picking a fight because I don't agree with you.

    I never said $20 or $50 isn't enough, but I wouldn't put that amount of cash in a card. If that's all you can afford I have said throughout the thread, buy something with it, don't just put that in a card, its weird. I'm sorry if that offends but it is. If I got $40 in cash I would think its weird too, not because I'm greedy, I got tea towels that probably cost less than that but I appreciated them and actually really liked them (I used them for years) It's about the way you go about gift giving that's the problem for me.

    And if they have a wishing well and only want money, it's tricky. But I still don't agree with giving $20 or $40. I would give more. No matter what the wedding is, my minimum going rate is $150 and the closer we are the more it is. I gave my sil $500. I remember my friends wedding that cost them over 200k (rich parents) and I gave $300 for me and dh, but it was worth it, the venue and food was amazing.
    This is not what I demand for myself. This is what I give. I had a gift registry for my wedding because I wanted house stuff, I had things as cheap as $10 on there, people complained because the stuff I had was too cheap and, my registry was cleared before the wedding. Everyone bought me all the stuff at my kitchen tea!!! So that's why I got alot of money, I didn't ask for it.
    Some people bought me stuff that wasn't on the registry and that was fine too.
    I've been to weddings where the parents have given them 50k+ in money, one friend got a house. Seriously, our weddings are awesome!

  3. #183
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    What is a kitchen tea and is it instead of a hens? Im imagining its another present getting thing is that right? So do some people have kitchen teas, bridal showers, hens and a wedding and gets preasiea for all of these or is it a kitchen tea or bridal shower? Im thinking this getting marries thing could be great for present getting lol.

  4. #184
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    Quote Originally Posted by LotusMum View Post
    What is a kitchen tea and is it instead of a hens? Im imagining its another present getting thing is that right? So do some people have kitchen teas, bridal showers, hens and a wedding and gets preasiea for all of these or is it a kitchen tea or bridal shower? Im thinking this getting marries thing could be great for present getting lol.
    My understanding is the kitchen tea is more for the older relatives who wouldn't attend the hens. In the days before people lived together first it was to help the bride set up her kitchen (I think). I've only known one bride to have one where anyone other than close relatives were invited (on the basis older grannies and aunts etc wouldn't be going to the hens).

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    Quote Originally Posted by Buttermilk View Post
    I'm not twisting your words, I can see what you are saying, I just don't agree with you.
    You are though. You said I'm basically judging expensive weddings. I'm not. I'm judging people that are materialistic and *expect* people to fork out all this money. Just in this thread some have said you should give them what it costs for your share of the reception.

    You gave an example above. Look, wishing wells are very common, people live together, have house stuff so put a wishing well so people don't waste money on stuff they don't need. I don't find it rude or demanding at all! People are going to come with gifts, it's common sense to tell people if you just want money.
    My guess is people invite others that know them. Therefore a defacto couple is not going to get a toaster or a kettle for a present. I'm not keen on wishing wells. I believe in being grateful for what people give.

    You asked her mum what to give, she didn't actually call you or put a demand on the invite. And to be honest $100 per couple is very reasonable and common so her mum obviously gave you that amount is an indicator since you asked. I can't imagine a bride saying "I want $100 minimum from each guest" I really can't and have never come across that. In this case to me it isn't demanding at all if she didn't put it on the invite and tell everyone. I would not be offended by that, and I certainly wouldn't call anyone selfish or greedy for it.
    That wasn't just a ball park suggestion by the mum. It was the figure the bride gave.

    I never said $20 or $50 isn't enough, but I wouldn't put that amount of cash in a card. If that's all you can afford I have said throughout the thread, buy something with it, don't just put that in a card, its weird. I'm sorry if that offends but it is. If I got $40 in cash I would think its weird too, not because I'm greedy, I got tea towels that probably cost less than that but I appreciated them and actually really liked them (I used them for years) It's about the way you go about gift giving that's the problem for me.
    So what do you do for a wishing well and can only afford $20?

    And if they have a wishing well and only want money, it's tricky. But I still don't agree with giving $20 or $40. I would give more. No matter what the wedding is, my minimum going rate is $150 and the closer we are the more it is. I gave my sil $500.
    See I don't get this. Why is $20 weird? People don't magically know which each bride's 'minimum rate' is. The fact a minimum rate exists is part of my point. Now if you, as a guest, only feel comfortable giving over $150 then cool. But if people are expecting that as a minimum? well I do think that's not right.

  6. #186
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buttermilk View Post
    I'm not twisting your words, I can see what you are saying, I just don't agree with you. You are using the word 'demand' to make your point stand out, but I don't think brides who 'ask' their bm to pay for their dresses (for example) are demanding and selfish/greedy.
    You gave an example above. Look, wishing wells are very common, people live together, have house stuff so put a wishing well so people don't waste money on stuff they don't need. I don't find it rude or demanding at all! People are going to come with gifts, it's common sense to tell people if you just want money.
    You asked her mum what to give, she didn't actually call you or put a demand on the invite. And to be honest $100 per couple is very reasonable and common so her mum obviously gave you that amount is an indicator since you asked. I can't imagine a bride saying "I want $100 minimum from each guest" I really can't and have never come across that. In this case to me it isn't demanding at all if she didn't put it on the invite and tell everyone. I would not be offended by that, and I certainly wouldn't call anyone selfish or greedy for it.
    I'm not picking a fight because I don't agree with you.

    I never said $20 or $50 isn't enough, but I wouldn't put that amount of cash in a card. If that's all you can afford I have said throughout the thread, buy something with it, don't just put that in a card, its weird. I'm sorry if that offends but it is. If I got $40 in cash I would think its weird too, not because I'm greedy, I got tea towels that probably cost less than that but I appreciated them and actually really liked them (I used them for years) It's about the way you go about gift giving that's the problem for me.

    And if they have a wishing well and only want money, it's tricky. But I still don't agree with giving $20 or $40. I would give more. No matter what the wedding is, my minimum going rate is $150 and the closer we are the more it is. I gave my sil $500. I remember my friends wedding that cost them over 200k (rich parents) and I gave $300 for me and dh, but it was worth it, the venue and food was amazing.
    This is not what I demand for myself. This is what I give. I had a gift registry for my wedding because I wanted house stuff, I had things as cheap as $10 on there, people complained because the stuff I had was too cheap and, my registry was cleared before the wedding. Everyone bought me all the stuff at my kitchen tea!!! So that's why I got alot of money, I didn't ask for it.
    Some people bought me stuff that wasn't on the registry and that was fine too.
    I've been to weddings where the parents have given them 50k+ in money, one friend got a house. Seriously, our weddings are awesome!

    200k for a wedding? holy moley. made my eyes bulge when i read that. lol.

  7. #187
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post

    So what do you do for a wishing well and can only afford $20?
    What happened at our wedding (we didn't have a wishing well but we had a lot of friends who were broke) was one of 2 things. they all went in together on one present so they could get something more, or they got creative. Like the peach tree example a pp gave.

    I think weddings are different to other occasions as irregardless of how much the B&G spend on their wedding they are often a lot of work. We received so many thoughtful, creative gifts from friends who were uni students and living hand to mouth but showed they had given it some thought and come up with something to reflect that. Some presents cost as little as $10 (it was a while ago) but you'd never have known.

  8. #188
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    Here I was thinking the main focus of the wedding was the marriage part?

    OP I think the bride & groom will appreciate the effort you've gone to in getting there, so don't stress if you can only afford $50

  9. #189
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    Anyway back to the OP, I personally don't think a gift is necessary, if I had friends coming over to my wedding their attendance and cost to cone over would suffice maybe a card and a little keepsake x

  10. #190
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    I don't quite agree with this. Years ago DH was best man at a very traditional Greek wedding, where he was expected to pay for candles, as well as other things, and then at the reception they did the whole pin the money on the bride thing. None of us had much money, and the b&g were amazing and told DH they'd pay for the candles and the pinning money on the bride was entirely optional for those not Greek. I think that was a very classy way of handling it. I'm happy to honour someone's traditions, but unless you are ofthe same faith i think expecting a guest to is unfair.

    As for the price of the present, I care what I spend on someone else, but I don't care what someone spends on me. I really believe it's the thought that counts.
    It's optional for everybody, never expected and mainly only family do it.


 

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