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  1. #141
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    I think you summed up my feelings perfect delirium. I find the notion that I have to give something to the value I cost as a guest (which I have no idea of how much I cost or what to expect) weird TBH.

    As a bridesmaid I have been informed I have to organise a the entire hen's night as the other bridesmaid is interstate (and guess who also gets to pay for a lot of it - yay!). I also had to 'pay my way' at her engagement party and baby shower. Now I have to 'pay my way' as a guest at the wedding in a couple of months, so have to come up with a gift 'worthy' enough of DP's and mine attendance. This is just out of the question for a lot of families and I am still trying to recover financially from forking out thousands in medical costs for myself.
    Why don't you say no? I would never ask someone to spend all that if they can't afford it. I've said no to being a bridesmaid before because it's too expensive.

  2. #142
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buttermilk View Post
    I also believe in etiquette and there are certain things like weddings that have common etiquette. You don't have to give money if you can't afford it, but a gift is just something you do. Giving someone a $20 gift for their wedding is just rude, Id feel that person didn't care about us and only came for a free night. It doesn't take much to go out and buy a thoughtful gift or give a decent amount of money to start them off in their married life. Its normal etiquette that seems lost on some people. You only get married once, it's an important occasion and is why people spend money on weddings, receptions etc. It's a big deal so I take it seriously when I'm invited to give them something to mark the occasion.
    Well I specifically asked that guests don't bring money or gifts to give. We already had a house with everything we needed and we certainly didn't need the money. And I didn't invite people just so they can give us things.

    I come from a huge family but only invited immediate family.

  3. #143
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buttermilk View Post
    Why don't you say no? I would never ask someone to spend all that if they can't afford it. I've said no to being a bridesmaid before because it's too expensive.
    That will be the end of the friendship if I say no. I said yes a long, long time ago before my medical costs went through the roof. If I backed out now that would spell the end of a 23 year friendship because she would hit the roof. Unfortunately, you can't always predict just how much it will cost as a bridesmaid when the bride is choosing your outfit/hair/make up etc. She could be very fair and do it within a sensible budget, but she could also be a complete bridezilla and cry her friends aren't good enough because they won't spend ridiculous amounts on a dress they would never wear again.

  4. #144
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    As a bridesmaid I have been informed I have to organise a the entire hen's night as the other bridesmaid is interstate (and guess who also gets to pay for a lot of it - yay!). I also had to 'pay my way' at her engagement party and baby shower. Now I have to 'pay my way' as a guest at the wedding in a couple of months, so have to come up with a gift 'worthy' enough of DP's and mine attendance. This is just out of the question for a lot of families and I am still trying to recover financially from forking out thousands in medical costs for myself.
    I find this kind of thing extremely selfish. If somebody wants you to be part of their wedding then you shouldn't have to fork out hundreds of dollars to be part of the big production!

    I'm lucky enough to have been married twice (yay go me!).If I got a gift or money it was very much appreciated, but I certainly didn't think any less of those who didn't give. My second wedding was interstate and no way would I have expected those who traveled to put themselves out even more by giving money or a gift!

    OP, give only what you can afford. If that's only $20 then so be it! You've spent enough on getting there!

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  6. #145
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    Quote Originally Posted by shelle65 View Post
    Yes, generally I decline wedding invitations. However, for example when I declined my brother's wedding (for good reason- it was on my DD's birthday) all hell broke loose and my Dad even cried. I had no choice.
    I didn't go to my sisters wedding because it was expensive and she got married o/s so I couldn't afford flights, accomodation etc. I would have killed to though. I find it bizarre your brothers wedding wasn't important enough, but you know what? I really dont want to know. Each to their own.

    I like weddings, I care about the people getting married, I buy people gifts and don't cringe when I do it.

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    Again in our tradition BRIDES pay for everything for BMs. We don't expect others to pay for our wedding, after all a BM dress and jewellery is the choice of the bride and therefor should fork out the money especially if it is overly priced.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jakois View Post
    I find this kind of thing extremely selfish. If somebody wants you to be part of their wedding then you shouldn't have to fork out hundreds of dollars to be part of the big production!
    That's how I feel. I lost one of my closest friends from high school because I queried the costs I was spending as bridesmaid as I was a student at the time and barely able to afford to put food on the table, let alone afford an $80 pair of shoes and $100+ for hair and make up. In my experience, brides go absolutely insane around the time of their weddings. I tread very carefully now and this is why I really dislike the culture of the 'show' wedding and expectations from the bridal party and guests.

    I'd be your bridesmaid twice

  10. #148
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    Oh for heaven's sake.

    A wedding is a celebration, a chance to invite people to celebrate our marriage with us. People have become obsessed with the logistics and lost sight of the meaning.

    I wouldn't throw myself a birthday party I couldn't afford and expect my guests to pay for it! If I invite you to my party it's because I want you to share the occasion with me, not because I want presents.

    Unless, of course, I'm a five year old.

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  12. #149
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benji View Post
    That will be the end of the friendship if I say no. I said yes a long, long time ago before my medical costs went through the roof. If I backed out now that would spell the end of a 23 year friendship because she would hit the roof. Unfortunately, you can't always predict just how much it will cost as a bridesmaid when the bride is choosing your outfit/hair/make up etc. She could be very fair and do it within a sensible budget, but she could also be a complete bridezilla and cry her friends aren't good enough because they won't spend ridiculous amounts on a dress they would never wear again.
    She doesn't sound like a good friend if she doesn't understand why you can't do it.
    I bought my bridesmaids everything and paid for everything, dress, shoes, hair, make up, jewelery and I also bought them each a gift (perfume). I had my kitchen tea at my place and did all the food (they helped) and they organised the games. They also organised my hens and everyone put in to pay for me (which was only about $20 each because I don't drink!) I didn't do anything huge we just went out clubbing.
    The grooms and brideasmaids also payed for our our first night at the hotel, from memory it was $100 each? I didn't ask they just organised it for us which was awesome. I assumed that was their gift, but they still gave us more as presents.
    If no one was happy to be in my wedding, I would have prefered they tell me, but I know they wanted to because 3 of them asked me, I didn't plan on as many.

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  14. #150
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    Wow this thread has gone in a complete different direction since it was started by the op.

    To the op, my Dh and i recently travelled for a family members wedding and after spending $600+ to travel to the wedding and costs of buying appropriate clothing for the extravagant wedding we were attending ($50k+), we were only.able.to afford to give the bride and groom $50 in a card. The bride and groom however came and thanked us personally for the amount we gave as they knew we would have spent considerably more to be there to share their special day.

    I think at the end of the day the couple will appreciate however much you give them, especially taking into consideration the money and effort you have made to attend.

    When we got married in 2010 we didn't ask for anything in the way of gifts and thought it was much nicer to leave it as a decision of our guests if they would like to give us anything for a gift. As we had a traditional part of our wedding from my husbands culture in which the guests either pinned money on my dress or put money in a basket whilst having a nip of a traditional alcoholic beverage with myself. We were grateful for everything we were given whether it was monetary or a small gift. We called and thanked each guest personally and even had a small gathering the next day for the family that had travelled for our wedding to thank them again.

    We loved the fact that people cared for us enough to travel to be with us. My father on the other hand sent us a considerable amount of money instead of coming to his only child's wedding. Some sort of "i hate weddings" excuse was used. I honestly would have preferred to have my father walk me down the aisle.

    ETA each guest at our wedding also received a small gift for attending. Each wedding i have been to we have also received a small gift to attend.
    Last edited by munchkin275; 01-03-2013 at 13:55.


 

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