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  1. #11
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    Default Long Distance

    Sorry but I'm with MummaOJ, I've been mucked around too by an ex long distance love, it's all sooo easy for them to do/say all the right things from 1000's of kms away but if he REALLY wanted to be with you, personally I think he would move heaven and earth to make it happen.

  2. #12
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    I think you're in a bit of a tough spot, and so is he.

    I would be conservatively estimating another 30 months at least for him to see a deployment. 12 months to see if he's allowed to attempt the course again if they'll take him which they may not because second chances for courses like that are rare.
    I don't know how long the training for that course is, but you'd have to add that time on as well.
    Then another 12-18 months to get a deployment (as he's a Reservist, unless he's a skilled Reservist) and then as he's Army you're looking at probably a 9-12 month deployment.

    So what you really need to ask yourself after all that is, do you want to wait for another 3 years plus before he's in a settled enough position for you to have a relationship that's not long distance?
    It certainly may not take that long, sometimes everything just falls into place and you get lucky with timings but I always figure plan for the worst and hope for the best. 12 months is just how long it will be before he can try again as a minimum but that doesn't mean that he'll get to try again in 12 months. They may say no or to come back in another 12 months.
    I don't want to be a downer at all, I just wanted to give you a realistic view of the worst case scenarios so that you have something to work with. I certainly don't envy your position!

    So yes, it will be 12 months before he can try again and that means 12 months of long distance minimum. But the potential is that he could get through, go on course and then have to wait for the tour to be offered to him. THEN he'd actually DO the tour... You could be waiting a long time.
    In the face of that if your relationship is serious and you are honestly not willing to let go then I would be trying my best to find ways to move to Melbourne with him. I don't know how you could achieve that, but that's something you might have to fight through the courts to achieve.

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    Default Long Distance

    Quote Originally Posted by Eko View Post
    I think you're in a bit of a tough spot, and so is he.

    I would be conservatively estimating another 30 months at least for him to see a deployment. 12 months to see if he's allowed to attempt the course again if they'll take him which they may not because second chances for courses like that are rare.
    I don't know how long the training for that course is, but you'd have to add that time on as well.
    Then another 12-18 months to get a deployment (as he's a Reservist, unless he's a skilled Reservist) and then as he's Army you're looking at probably a 9-12 month deployment.

    So what you really need to ask yourself after all that is, do you want to wait for another 3 years plus before he's in a settled enough position for you to have a relationship that's not long distance?
    It certainly may not take that long, sometimes everything just falls into place and you get lucky with timings but I always figure plan for the worst and hope for the best. 12 months is just how long it will be before he can try again as a minimum but that doesn't mean that he'll get to try again in 12 months. They may say no or to come back in another 12 months.
    I don't want to be a downer at all, I just wanted to give you a realistic view of the worst case scenarios so that you have something to work with. I certainly don't envy your position!

    So yes, it will be 12 months before he can try again and that means 12 months of long distance minimum. But the potential is that he could get through, go on course and then have to wait for the tour to be offered to him. THEN he'd actually DO the tour... You could be waiting a long time.
    In the face of that if your relationship is serious and you are honestly not willing to let go then I would be trying my best to find ways to move to Melbourne with him. I don't know how you could achieve that, but that's something you might have to fight through the courts to achieve.
    They already have told him to come back next year. They've asked him to come back.

    As for me moving, I could if I could somehow make it happen. But there's absolutely no way, not with having 50/50 shared care of DD.

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    Default Long Distance

    Sorry I'm BHing in class, so if you get a short reply from me, that's why

    Thank you, all, for your truthful responses. You're right, I do need I bring it up with him.

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    Quote Originally Posted by lucymoo View Post
    They already have told him to come back next year. They've asked him to come back.

    As for me moving, I could if I could somehow make it happen. But there's absolutely no way, not with having 50/50 shared care of DD.
    So that's still an absolute minimum of 12 months. If he's successful it will be longer than that, that's all I'm getting at.

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    Default Long Distance

    My now DH and I had a long distance relationship for, wait for it, nearly 6 years.
    He owned/managed a business in Qld and I was in Sydney.
    I told him from the very beginning that I wouldn't move and leave my family so if the relationship went anywhere he would need to be the one to make the move.

    It was tough, I won't try to sugarcoat it. We didnt see each other anywhere near as often as I would of liked but we spoke every day and as a result got to know each other better than we would of if it was a conventional relationship.

    In 09 he finally sold his business and moved down to Sydney. Fast forward a few years and we are married with a baby and couldn't be happier.

    I just wanted to add a positive story as many PPs had been negative.

    Of course your situation is different to mine (and everyone else's) and you need to assess what is right for you.

    Good luck xx

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    You need to lay your cards on the table. Ask him exactly what he wants? If he isn't ready that's fine but he can not expect you to wait around for a year or 3 till he figures out what he wants to do.
    If a man loves you and wants to be with you he will move mountains to make it happen.

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    Default Long Distance

    Quote Originally Posted by Eko View Post
    So that's still an absolute minimum of 12 months. If he's successful it will be longer than that, that's all I'm getting at.
    Oh yeah, I'm well aware of that!

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    Default Long Distance

    Quote Originally Posted by HippyGirl85 View Post
    My now DH and I had a long distance relationship for, wait for it, nearly 6 years.
    He owned/managed a business in Qld and I was in Sydney.
    I told him from the very beginning that I wouldn't move and leave my family so if the relationship went anywhere he would need to be the one to make the move.

    It was tough, I won't try to sugarcoat it. We didnt see each other anywhere near as often as I would of liked but we spoke every day and as a result got to know each other better than we would of if it was a conventional relationship.

    In 09 he finally sold his business and moved down to Sydney. Fast forward a few years and we are married with a baby and couldn't be happier.

    I just wanted to add a positive story as many PPs had been negative.

    Of course your situation is different to mine (and everyone else's) and you need to assess what is right for you.

    Good luck xx
    Thank you, it's nice to hear a good story.

    When we first realised this is where our relationship was going, he told me basically that he wants another trip overseas/deployment, that it won't be easy but he loves this job. He told me basically he wanted to go for the course that he just missed out on.

    I also told him at the same time, I can't move. I can't leave Qld because I have DD (who he'd met at this point) and shared care won't allow me to move. If this is to go anywhere serious, he has to be the one to move, because legally I can't.

    I guess it's just now that this course isn't going ahead and he has 12 months "free", I thought he might come up here, get work with surf life saving, the Air Force (another option he's looking at - he's been in reserves for 8 years so knows his stuff), QFRS, etc. All things he's been talking about doing when he moves here anyway. I understand he wants to still do this course but does that rule out setting up here first?

    I think I have a lot to discuss with him now. It all makes me really sad.

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    Default Long Distance

    I know it is really hard, and I wasn't trying to be a downer, I just think if you sort what you can out now, it is a lot easier in the future, rather than cruising along with a heap of 'one days' and then 'one day' never coming because he was not honest about his intentions to begin with. Having a long distance relationship is so very different to living with/or close to, your partner. people are different when you don't live in each others pockets (this goes for family too - i am extremely close to my Mum, but could not live with her, or even in the same town as her - our relationship is solid because we are apart, if that makes sense). All the best.


 

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