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  1. #21
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Quote Originally Posted by PixiDarling View Post
    I feel that he is fully committed to me. He just isn't ready to be married.
    I'm fine with that. I mean I would love it, but I can wait. I would also wait to have kids but I can't wait too long.

    He has said he will have kids with me. He just can't give me an exact time which is what I stress about. He is waiting to feel 100% ready but when will that be.
    I really feel for you, but there is a distinct difference between him telling you he will have a child for you as opposed to wanting to have one with you.

    I think it's hard because loving someone and wanting to be with them isn't always enough when your core values and goals aren't in alignment. I believe you both deserve to be happy and I just wonder if trying to force a square into a round hole is going to ultimately bring you both heartache

  2. #22
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Thanks. I guess only time will tell. I have the same thoughts every day and it depresses me and stresses me out.

  3. #23
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mathermy View Post
    I read your post twice

    I know that you said it doesn't matter, right before you suggested that marriage was more of a commitment than the relationship they are currently in.(ie have been together 5 years and own a house together)

    So it sounds like you're expressing your own values rather than giving an objective view of the OPs situation.

    He might be as committed to her now as he will ever be, and still never want to get married or have children. I don't think marriage is an objective indicator of a couples commitment or readiness to have children.
    I don't know what you've been reading but It cant have been what I have typed. I don't ... Repeat don't! Think married couples are necessarily more committed that non married couples. I agree marriage isn't necessarily a sign of a couples readiness to have children. However I believe in this case it is. OP has stated she wants to be married. Her BF has said he isn't ready. OP says she wants to have kids but her BF isn't ready. In this case I do believe that the OP and her BF not being married is a sign they are not yet *fully* committed to each other/ lack of readiness to be parents.
    Last edited by VicPark; 16-02-2013 at 12:19.

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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Hey Pixi.. I don't have an answer for your current situation, but just wanted to remind you that this world is full of possibilities and miracles happen every day.
    Best of luck with your situation, I hope it all works out for you & your DP

  5. #25
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I don't know what you've been reading but It cant have been what I have typed. I don't ... Repeat don't! Think married couples are necessarily more committed that non married couples. I agree marriage isn't necessarily a sign of a couples readiness to have children. However I believe in this case it is. OP has stated she wants to be married. Her BF has said he isn't ready. OP says she wants to have kids but her BF isn't ready. In this case I do believe that the OP and her BF not being married is a sign if their not yet being *fully* committed to each other/ lack of readiness to be parents.
    VP I really don't see why it matters? You brought up marriage, I said I thought it wasn't relevant. So we disagree, and the world keeps turning.

    My point was I think that your perception of the OPs situation is coloured by your attitude towards marriage. Just like mine is. Neither is right or wrong, it's just hard to be objective about someone else's situation when we wear our own coloured glasses.

    I believe in marriage, we were together for almost 10 years with a child before hubby was ready to be married. His parents had been through ugly divorces and he assumed that our relationship would have to change if we were married.

    I waited to be married because I knew that he was committed, as opposed to
    assuming he wasn't committed because he wasn't ready to get married. if I thought he wasn't I wouldn't have waited. We also TTC before we were married, again I wouldn't have done this if I thought he was anything less than committed. I was also ready to TTC before he was. Its not strikingly different to the situation of the OP.

    You believe that because the OPs partner doesn't want to get married or have children he's not fully committed. And yet just maybe he doesn't want to get married or have babies yet, but he wants to be with her forever just as they are?

    The OP believes her partner is committed, despite his attitude towards marriage and or children. Certainly the length of time they have been together and the fact that they made a huge legal and financial commitment by buying a house suggests that he isn't about to jump ship any time soon.

    I think it's hard for you or I to argue otherwise, and if we did its more reflective of how we perceive marriage in general rather than an objective view of a relationship we are not actually part of. I think this because we are both looking at the same situation and have completely different reactions. It makes sense that our own attitudes and experiences might explain why we see it do differently.

    But despite all that it just doesn't matter whether you & I agree. I wasn't trying to provoke an argument with you in the slightest.
    Last edited by Mathermy; 16-02-2013 at 12:45.

  6. #26
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    Default Re: Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Quote Originally Posted by PixiDarling View Post
    I feel that he is fully committed to me. He just isn't ready to be married.
    I'm fine with that. I mean I would love it, but I can wait. I would also wait to have kids but I can't wait too long.

    He has said he will have kids with me. He just can't give me an exact time which is what I stress about. He is waiting to feel 100% ready but when will that be.
    I honestly dont think anyone is 100% ready to have children. There will always be things that may get in the way or which you can use as excuses to put off having children. The question really is, does your partner believe he is ready enough and if not, when does he think that will be? He may not know himself: children are a big decision, will likely change your life completely (but hopefully for the better). You need to have a good talk with your partner so that each of you understand the others feelings and hopefully can come to a compromise.

    Coming of depo now does definitely not mean you will start ttc now as there are other forms of contraception you can use.

    Good luck!

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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mathermy View Post

    You believe that because the OPs partner doesn't want to get married or have children he's not fully committed. And yet just maybe he doesn't want to get married or have babies yet, but he wants to be with her forever just as they are?
    And therein lies the OP's problem - 'just as they are'.

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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Quote Originally Posted by mrsharvey View Post
    And therein lies the OP's problem - 'just as they are'.
    Indeed.

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    I think the first step is to truly understand your medical situation...get more info and a 2nd opinion.

    Then, go and get some counselling, they can help you figure out exactly what you want and work through the associated issues with you.

    Then, once you have dealt with the grief of the diagnosis...go and get some couples counselling to help work through it together and figure out if you are just at different pages, or in totally different books and work from there. Maybe look at something like "pre marital counselling"?

    It is hard to deliver deadlines like you are talking about....24 is very young and if he had already stated that he was not keen on kids and certainly not for quite a few years he must feel very pushed into a corner. It's not that you are in the wrong...but, neither is he. But, he needs to really consider what he wants from the future and if it is not marriage and kids with you, then he needs to be honest and not drag it out for years.

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    Sadly I think ultimately, someone loses here. If she says ok, we'll put it off, 5 years down the track he still may not be ready, and/or IVF doesn't work. If he gives in then he may well feel resentful at her and the child.

    I do agree most 24 year old guys aren't ready for kids. But she has a time limit, and I can understand why she is starting to stress out.

    I knew someone that was older than the OP, late 20's when she got with her partner. A short while into the relationship she expressed a desire for kids soon as she was almost 30. He said he def wanted kids, but wanted to wait 2-3 years. She grudgingly agreed. When that time frame come up he again said there was stuff going on that didn't make it optimal and wanted to extend it another few years. At 35, she gave him an ultimatum. He admitted then that he had never wanted kids but told her he did so she didn't leave. She ended up single, childless, and terrified of never having kids.


 

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