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  1. #11
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Thanks ladies. My main issue is that I feel like he is just saying "next year, next year" to put off talking about it. What if he keeps doing this forever.
    He has said he doesn't really want kids but will have one with me. Hasn't said an exact time when.

    He says he wants to see how he feels about it in a years time.
    If push comes to shove and he really is never going to commit to it, I would unfortunately leave him. Being a parent is the most important thing for me.

    In terms of marriage, again... All on him. He knows I want him to propose but keeps telling me to wait and not hold my breath as he isn't ready to be engaged, not that I see it being any different to our current situation.
    We've lived together for 4 years.

    I feel like he just wants to be in a defecto relationship with no kids forever.

    Like I said, if this I the case.. In a few years I will seek an alternate method of having kids alone I guess.

    I suppose I can do nothing but wait until next year and bring it up again.
    I know he is the kind of man that would never really be excited and accept pregnancy until it sinks in and he can physically see and feel something.

    He is great with my 5 month old niece and would be a great father. He just doesn't want his life to change right now and I worry that he is just scared and immature.

    Makes me wish I just got 'knocked up' by accident years ago lol.

    I hate the pressure it's causing.
    I have been so sick from stress, I just had a month off work cause I had shingles.

    😔

  2. #12
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Hugs, it can be very stressful, here is our story which I hope helps.
    DH and I have been together 9 years this year and knew from date 1 that this was it. We had a list of things we wanted to achieve before kids came along, buy property, travel , get married, have secure jobs etc we have only visited NZ and OZ havent had the big OS trip yet, however we got married 3 years ago and now have two properties ( and good jobs)
    You know what, earlier last year we realized that there always going to be stuff we want to do/ buy and can use as excuses to delay kids and if we keep putting it off then we will wake up in 10 years and realize we have forgotten to have kids. So we started to plan March or so last year . We organized private health, researched, came off bc, tried to eat better/ cut out nasties, do vitamins etc and TTC from November ( so 7 months planning ) we were lucky to fall first time and I'm 13 weeks today

    We realized our travel style is not adventure but rather planned, in safe and secure accomodation and modes of transport - perfect for family travel, so we are now starting to plan our big european adventure for 2015 ( with a 2year old yay- I think I'm crazy lol). Hopefully have another kid 2016 and we also have plans to buy another property by 2018. Japan in 2019 ( so 3 and 6 year old) then We will then do our big US trip when the kids are a bit older so we can go to all the theme parks hehe.

    What I'm trying to say is you can still have your cake and eat it too with planning. And if your partner is an adventure traveller then why not do some contiki or top deck tours in the few months you are coming off depo?

  3. #13
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    Normally I would say you have plenty of time and both potential parents need to want this or one will feel resentful and pressured. But you have a medical condition and time is ticking.

    I think the issue for you is he is pretty firm he isn't ready, and I suspect he will keep pushing it back. So you need to weigh up whether you are willing to wait and risk him still not agreeing to have a baby in a few years. Would you be ok with going IVF? That's something you need to think about.

  4. #14
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    I would explain to him you're coming off depo and you will use condoms till June. Tell him come June it's time to make a decision. You're having a baby and he can be the father or you can use a donor. If you use a donor it's his choice if he wants to stay in your life or not. Take back some control, don't let him hold all the cards dictating your life.

  5. #15
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Quote Originally Posted by PixiDarling View Post
    Thanks ladies. My main issue is that I feel like he is just saying "next year, next year" to put off talking about it. What if he keeps doing this forever.
    He has said he doesn't really want kids but will have one with me. Hasn't said an exact time when.

    He says he wants to see how he feels about it in a years time.
    If push comes to shove and he really is never going to commit to it, I would unfortunately leave him. Being a parent is the most important thing for me.

    In terms of marriage, again... All on him. He knows I want him to propose but keeps telling me to wait and not hold my breath as he isn't ready to be engaged, not that I see it being any different

    He is great with my 5 month old niece and would be a great father. He just doesn't want his life to change right now and I worry that he is just scared and immature.

    😔
    Sorry to be blunt but I think it is perfectly normal for a 24 year old man to not be ready to start a family. Your BF is allowed to feel that way. I don't think it is fair to be critical of him just because your physical timetable is out of kilter with his mental one. It's no-ones fault it's just terrible bad luck.

    Having a child is hard work and successfully playing with a relatives kid for a few hours isnt a good indicator of a persons preparedness. Having a baby can be a trying time even for couples who are stable and committed before they fall pregnant. Many couples come close to splitting during the early days of parenthood. I think fighting so hard to have a baby with your BF now when you are so young and not ready (as a couple) to commit to each other (through marriage or otherwise) is a recipe for disaster.

    I am not sure what the answer is as you are truely in a pickle. You could leave your BF but then by the time you meet someone else you're probably looking at IVF anyway. I suppose it depends on whether you genuinely love your BF for himself, independent of him being able to father a child for you. If you don't you might as well cut your losses now. If you do then focus on just being with him for now. If it gets to a point where you feel you need a crystal clear answer on the kid issue... And if your BF still isn't ready you're going to have to decide what's more important... Your love for him or your desire to have a child. I don't mean to be rude but from what you've posted thus far it appear you already love your future baby more than your BF.

    Unfortunately with the situation you are in .... you are probably going to have to prepare yourself for needing IVF.

    Best of luck...

  6. #16
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    I think it comes down to whether or not you would be willing to give up being a mother, to be with this man. The reality is he doesn't really want children now and there is nothing to say that he will ever change the way he feels, not anymore than you would change your own desire to be a mother. I don't think I would want to co parent with anyone who only did it for me. Parenting is difficult enough for those who truly want the experience, let alone for those who are doing it for the sake of someone else. It seems a recipe for disaster & I think you both have the right to your hearts desire.

    As an aside, frankly I personally think the marriage issue is irrelevant and judgment laden. Many couples live in committed, healthy relationships, create families and never get married.
    Last edited by Mathermy; 16-02-2013 at 11:32.

  7. #17
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mathermy View Post

    As an aside, frankly I personally think the marriage issue is irrelevant and judgment laden. Many couples live in committed, healthy relationships, create families and never get married.
    Have a read through all the posts. I've clearly said it doesn't matter if someone doesn't believe in marriage. Plenty of committed families exist without a marriage certificate. What is pertinent is the fact that the OP believes in marriage, wants to be married... Her BF isn't ready for marriage yet the OP is still pressuring him to have kids. It's the wanting to have kids with someone before you are fully committed to each other that I am weary of.

  8. #18
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    I'm okay with the idea of ivf but of course would like to avoid it if possible. We don't have private health cover so it would be costly.

    I completely agree its a huge amount of pressure for a 24 yr old guy but I have to put myself first I feel. I'm 22 and at the end of the day he can have kids at any stage with anyone. I can't.

    Of course I want him to be the father of my children, I just want him to want it now too. Nothing I can do can make that happen if he isn't ready though.
    I mean if I were to accidentally fall pregnant he would be supportive. It's knowing I have this condition and having to plan that is stressing him out.

  9. #19
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Have a read through all the posts. I've clearly said it doesn't matter if someone doesn't believe in marriage. Plenty of committed families exist without a marriage certificate. What is pertinent is the fact that the OP believes in marriage, wants to be married... Her BF isn't ready for marriage yet the OP is still pressuring him to have kids. It's the wanting to have kids with someone before you are fully committed to each other that I am weary of.
    I read your post twice

    I know that you said it doesn't matter, right before you suggested that marriage was more of a commitment than the relationship they are currently in.(ie have been together 5 years and own a house together)

    So it sounds like you're expressing your own values rather than giving an objective view of the OPs situation.

    He might be as committed to her now as he will ever be, and still never want to get married or have children. I don't think marriage is an objective indicator of a couples commitment or readiness to have children.
    Last edited by Mathermy; 16-02-2013 at 11:49.

  10. #20
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    I feel that he is fully committed to me. He just isn't ready to be married.
    I'm fine with that. I mean I would love it, but I can wait. I would also wait to have kids but I can't wait too long.

    He has said he will have kids with me. He just can't give me an exact time which is what I stress about. He is waiting to feel 100% ready but when will that be.


 

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