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  1. #1
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Hi All.

    I am really knew to this site, I joined basically so I could get some thoughts on my issue from others / see if anyone else was in the same boat.

    Warning: this is a bit of an essay!

    I'm 22 and found out last year that I suffer from Pcos, endo and Adynomyosis. Apparently this is quite a rare combination and extremely rare to suffer from Adynomyosis at my age ( basically I have the uterus of a 50 yr old!)
    When I was diagnosed, my gyno suggested ttc ASAP as my window for unassisted pregnancy was approx 2 yrs. Apparently after this stage (when I'm around 25) the chances of me needing ivf increase quite dramatically and have been told that I will eventually need a hysterectomy around the age of 30.

    I have been with my bf for what will be 5 years in December and at the end of last year we bought our first home.

    He has never been too keen on kids and has always said they were a 'waste of money' and that if he were to have a baby it would be many, many years away.

    When I told him my issues I gave him some time to let it sink in then told him I wanted a baby with or without him and needed to know if he was willing to work with the time frame I was given.
    He said he was and didn't really want to talk about it again until it was more of a pressing issue.

    So that was last year and this year I have been dropping comments here and there about when we were going to start ttc.
    He made it clear he wanted no pregnancy talk until next year.

    I am currently on depo and and keen to get off to give my body a chance to get back in the swing of things as I've not had a natural cycle in approx 7 years.
    He would freak at the idea of me going off it but I do desperately want to fall pregnant this year.

    I have explained to him thy you're almost pregnant for a whole year and if I were to go off my depo it would still be months until i was due for another one and actually fell pregnant, meaning there would be no baby until next year.

    I'm just worried if I go by his timeframe that the longer I wait the higher my chance of not falling pregnant are.

    I understand it's a lot of pressure for him at 24, but like I said.. We have been together for almost 5 years, both have good cars, good jobs and a house.
    He says he wants to travel but when I suggested it he wasn't interested.

    I'm so scared he will never be ready to start trying.

    Can anyone give me some advice please?

    Thanks. X

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    That sounds like a hard situation to be in.

    Personally i think you should start asap. But if your partner doesnt want to that will be hard...but you shouldnt have to go childless because he doesnt want them.

    Im not travelling until after i have kids, i think they will get more out of it than i will and will make the experience more exciting.

    Good luck!

    Edit: by the way, my dh and i have been trying for five months with no success and we both have normal fertility.

    You partner may need reassurance, he will be a good father and will have at the very least 8-9 months to get used to the idea once you get a bfp...

    If you wait to long, you may not be able to have children...what does your partner think about that possibility?

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    Last edited by AdornedWithCats; 15-02-2013 at 15:55.

  3. #3
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Thanks ladies. He is just so stubborn. I know we are young, and if it was up to me we wouldn't have babies soon.. But unfortunately I don't have all the time in the world and want to avoid ivf at all costs.
    It's just stressful feeling like he has all the control in the situation. I just wish he was excited and positive about it.

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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Hi Pixie Darling I always just read all the posts and I have very rarely contributed to any, but i really feel for you....What a dilemma to be in the fact you are on this site makes me think that having a child one day is very important to you. I am 25 and am 12 weeks pregnant with my first. When I got married in April 2011, we weren't even thinking about children at all, but one day I woke up and literally felt a burning desire to be a mother! Lol just like that! Anyway, my hubby wasn't so keen at first but after a few months agreed to start trying. To cut a long story short a year later we still weren't UTD I discovered that I had 2 blocked tubes and ovaries which behave polycystically. The doc said that we could keep trying as we were so young or we could do ivf. Hubby was so against ivf at first saying it was for people 30+. anyway after a few months of him stewing it over and looking into it, we decided to go ahead with ivf. It moved so quickly when we made the decision, literally within a couple of weeks we were in cycle....that quick. Everyone told me how awful ivf is and yes....it is a huge commitment, but on the scale of things, it's over really quick and the benefit far outweighs the negatives. I think that there can be too much focus on the negative side of ivf when really, it is 6-8 weeks out of your life. Then you focus on growing that beautiful baby! If I can give you any advice, it's let your partner sit on this a while.....then gently bring it up regularly. give him lots of info about your condition and what it actually means for you. Talk lots about how life would be with a baby/child and remind him there are positives too!lol get some holidays in as well and cherish the time between you as a couple. the stronger you become the easier the decision will be when the time comes. coming off the depo doesn't mean you have to start trying, why not let your body adjust over 6months or so and use condoms? But my biggest issue is, don't be scared of assisted fertility....it's a true miracle and if you are in your twenties the success rate is so high you already have had lots of testing so if you hadn't conceived within 6months any reputable specialist would see you straight away you could spend the next few months learning about it so you are used to the idea? so sorry for the massive essay! Hope you find your way together soon xxx

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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    We started TTC at 22. And fought non stop over it as dh was convinced off the pill was automatic boom pregnant.and he wasn't ready Men often do not understand TTC can take time etc.

    Fast forward three years and NOW I'm pregnant with our first as ended up at ivf as HE was infertile.

    Use our story if you think it will help explain that babies are hard and you want to try for natural before it turns into a huge amount of $$ and stress

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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    That's for the supportive advice Minton. You're right, it's not a massive deal, I'd just like to avoid it of possible.. Obviously lol. I just hate thinking that a 24 yr old guy has is the one to decide when we ttc lol

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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Of course, it's not nice to not feel in control.... But when it comes down to it, he is as much the daddy as you are the mummy, and it takes two! Lol Perhaps when he realises how much it means to you, he may come around to having children within a couple of years. After all, he obviously willing moved in with you and that is also a massive commitment in a relationship xx

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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    Hun what a big stress for you. It must be frustrating for you when you are ready to go but your partner isn't.

    This is either a case of your BF being OK with having a child soon-ish but just not understanding the seriousness of the situation...... Or your BF not being ready for a child.

    With the first scenario I would ask your BF to go with you to a Doctors appointment where your doctor could explain your condition in detail and where BF could ask questions.

    With the second situation Im not sure there is anything you can do other than to not push your partner, focus on enjoying your lives and working on your relationship.... Or leave your BF. As much as it conflicts with what you yearn for you can't force your BF to want kids as much as or as soon as you do. It is perfectly OK (dare I say normal) for a 24 year old man to not be ready for kids (even if he has settled down with someone and bought a house). I don't mean to be condescending but in hindsight when I was 22.... Heck when I was 24 I was not like I am now. I still had a lot of growing up and living to do ...and the thought of having kids ...no way...

    Can I ask whether you and your BF believe in marriage (maybe not right now but down the track)? If you don't that's perfectly ok and please ignore what I'm about to type. If you do believe in marriage can I ask why you are not married.?. Why it is OK to focus on having a child before both of you have truely committed to each other? Having a child together is the ultimate commitment. The thought of having kids can make someone feel very nervous... But that decision is often easier (natural) if you are already fully committed to spend the rest of your life with someone (whether it be through marriage or some other means if you don't believe in marriage). I suppose I'm saying you're in a tough situation but that doesn't necessarily make the decision to put the cart before the horse a smart or easy one.

    Best of luck..
    Last edited by VicPark; 15-02-2013 at 22:19.

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    This sounds so hard for you!

    Honestly. I think it comes down to your decision only. You either are prepared to give up a baby to spend the rest of your life with him ... Or, If he isnt willing to come to the party. Make sure he knows its a deal breaker and unfortunately... Move on.

    However. I realise it would also be some time before babies came into the picture with a new love etc. So either way. Best get moving.

    I think its selfish that he just doesnt want to talk about it until "next year". Its a pressing issue. Its not something that can just be shoved off for a few months!

    Hes 24. I get it, Hes young .. But. If its that important to you .. he needs to be aware and to be open to the idea.

    I went off the pill earlier than planned in prep for making my body ready. I removed it in September 2012. Our plan was to start trying January 2013. We got pregnant first go ... didnt even think it was humanly possible for us. I went to Vegas, at 4 weeks pregnant. We spent 10 grand on a trip I didnt really enjoy. I was asleep half the time, Not hungry, Felt like i missed out on everything and full of worry about my microscopic baby.

    My husband was also in shock, Happy .. but still. OMFG what have we done! It was planned and he adores the bump now (im 19 weeks). But at the time, He was a bit "this is wrecking all my fun"

    Hope you sort it out. He needs to talk to you and listen and vent to you his concerns not sweep it under the rug and ignore it.

  10. #10
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    Default Fertility issues = Relationship drama.

    I feel for your situation. The other ladies here have given you some great advice. I took a moment to try and 'think male'. I hope you will excuse me being much more direct than I usually would, but I have had some relevant life experience which is guiding what I am about to say here.

    Essentially you have given your partner an ultimatum. You told him that by hook or by crook you will be a parent, whether he is involved or not. He also (I assume) understands that you have specific reasons why you want to start so early, rather than just because you are feeling clucky. Even so, he has expressed negative ideas about parenthood, and has referred to an elusive future time when he *may* be up for it. I think he agreed to work in your time frame because he loves you/your relationship but also because it was an easier conversation to have than to say no or that he's not sure. He knows where things will go if he does say no - you've told him! I think this may be why he's putting off the conversation til next year, and then til next year again. He wants to be with you.

    Again I apologise for my bluntness, but I suspect you have come to the point of writing on this forum because you know in your heart of hearts that the scenario you have described is unlikely to happen. I understand not wanting to rock the boat, but the two of you probably need to have a difficult conversation. He is likely to be defensive because of the ultimatum he's been given. I feel that you need to hear a guarantee that he can't give you - that he will one day want children.

    Some questions that you might think about:

    Could you compromise with him and agree to go the road of IVF further down the track if he gave you his word that he would be up for it? If he can't give you his word, I think you have your answer.

    Would you be prepared to give up on having children if it meant spending a lifetime with your current partner?

    If he said he needed time (as in years) to think decide whether or not he wants children, could you give him that time?

    Is it more important to you to have a baby, or for your partner to be the father of your baby?

    If your partner essentially gave in and gave you what you wanted even if he didn't want it so he could be with you, how would you feel about that?

    If you found out your partner had fertility issues of his own, how would that affect your relationship?

    You *are* young, but it seems to me that you are very clear about what you want. Your partner is unsure, but also has the added pressure of a time frame in which to become sure. I can feel how difficult this is for you, but I imagine he is struggling too. All I can suggest is treating him with love and kindness, offer a sympathetic ear and just give him an opportunity to say how he feels - he has no doubt about your feelings, so you are able to give him the luxury of just being able to talk.

    Good luck, and I'm more than happy for you to PM me in the future if you'd like.


 

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