What particularly bothers me is when people assume my child should live by their rules. The comment about expecting children to respond when being spoken to got me thinking... My child cannot speak well though he is almost seven and many people have commented that he is being rude. Why should I have to explain him just to keep others happy?
Maybe we all need to ease up on strangers kids a bit?
People often think DD (who is 9) is rude for not responding in the way they think is polite. Unfortunately it's because she doesn't really know the correct response. It's not that she is shy but she just doesn't know how to respond.
I guess the lesson here is that we don't know the inner workings of children we don't know.
Ours is based on consideration for others, and how nice it feels to be appreciated.
Naturally, please and thank you follow on with this perfectly.
ALso, it extends to how we treat people we don't know and that are helping us..the bus driver or shop assistant and how important it is to be kind to those people too.
I was really angry at a shop assistant once because DS (8) read her name tag and greeted her so nicely "hi Margaret, thanks for helping us" and she almost snarled at him and said "that's not my name" and then gave me some sort of knowing look. I turned to DS and said "that was so nice of you to say hello, it seems not everyone appreciates the kindness". Stupid bat!
We model what we expect...but often it is tone and action that speak louder than the actual words...so if they are acting grateful we don't pounce on them for not saying "thank you". For example, a big beaming smile and a "wow" means so much more than a rehearsed word.
Opening doors and helping strangers and displaying benevolence is also important. DS often helps people and I am so proud when he is gracious about it. It also makes me beam when he is helpful to other kids...tody at gymnastics there was a new kid and a few times I heard him say "oh, you do that awesome" and when it was time for sit ups, after he finished his own...he held the other kids feet to help him out.
I always go back to the saying "it's not the words that you say that people remember, it's the way you make them feel"...you can show manners in many ways other than just set words and those actions speak louder than the words.
For me the important manners include, showing grattitude for things that are given them e.g. gifts and outings etc. Asking for things nicely, not necessarily please but not demanding things of me either. Just showing respect and care for the people around them, for others belongings and for thier own.
I have a SS who is not shy and yet will still not talk to his family members when he doesnt feel like it. He only speaks to them when he feels like it but when they give him something he wont even look at them, he just takes it. He also wont say hi or bye when he gets in these moods. This drives me up the wall. All his extended family like to make excuses for this behaviour in front of him e.g. "hes just tired" my reply is always, "that is no excuse for being rude." Shy kids are another matter I dont really push them.
I guess its all more to do with values than actual manners as such but manners are a part of it.
Wow... This thread has been an eye opener to me... Not because of what manners people teach their children but more the why... And the why nots even. I'm intrigued by Blissedone (?) and the fact that your first (?) language doesn't have a translation for please and thank-you I feel like an uneducated, narrow minded fool forgot knowing that? It would NEVER occur to me that peopl
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