I'm fat & I hate myself for it

**Mum2Bug** · 07-11-2006 10:36

Ok...here I go. Sorry it's long.

Growing up I was always a size bigger than my friends and of extremely average looks. I was bullied at school with the usual "fat and ugly" taunts and so after a while I started to believe it. I never had boyfriends at school, I wasnt considered to be someone worth going out with. After I finished school I dated a couple of guys but every time I met someone they cheated on me. This meant I then just sat at home eating and not going out. The way I saw it if i didnt leave the house then i wouldnt have to meet people and no one could hurt me then.

Over the years this has happened a few more times so I have gotten to the point I have now given up on trying to find someone to love me. I look in the mirror every day and what I see looking back isn't something I would want to date either. My weight has crept up to a point I am now extremely obese and no matter what I do to lose it, I can't keep up the motivation. I lost a lot of my own body weight when I was pregnant and after giving birth I could actually fit into a size smaller than I had in 5 years. But that didn't last long. In the past 18 months I have gained about 20kg and now I cant bear to look at myself.

Someone actually beeped their horn at me yesterday and I didnt even bother to turn to see if anyone else was around. When they stopped at the lights the guy smiled at me so I smile back but that smile didnt reach my eyes. Why would he smile and beep at me? Im not worth it!

I want to get fit and healthy again so I can be a wonderful mummy and have the chance to watch my little girl grow up strong and healthy. I used to really love having my week filled with sport but the only thing I do now is walk. I dont allow my little girl to have my bad eating habits so that only makes me feel worse as it means I can look after her but I fail to look after myself. I spend every day at home unless I am made to drag myself out of the house but when i do go out i feel like people are laughing at me. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and crying at what I see. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate being me. I want to be thin

**Foxy** · 07-11-2006 11:03

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

I know this won't solve everything, but have you considered joining a gym? It's great not just for the weight loss / increased fitness, but also a great place to make some new friends. If you join one with child-minding, it will give your little one a chance to socialise with other kids, and you will be near-by if needed. I joined the gym a couple of months ago and it has been great! I only get there 3 days a week, but because I have to book the gym child care in advance, I feel "obliged" to get there on time each day.

You seem like a great person, so don't give up on finding that special someone, they may be just around the corner!

**bekkyboo** · 07-11-2006 11:09

big

I have dealt with body image issues only the last few years but they can really take over cant they.

I agree with Foxy about the gym - I find the gym can be my source of personal power - i do it for me, and the endorphins give me a great rush (and so does going down a dress size) - I use this as me time.

I have been so slack with the gym... I must get back to it.

I hope you feel better about yourself soon - you are your no. 1 fan or your worst enemy....

Hugs x 10000000000000000000000

**Desertress** · 07-11-2006 11:16

I know how you are feeling to a certain extent to. While i am not technically obese... i look in the mirror and i feel disgusted at what i see. I just cant bear to look at it because i hate the ay i look so much. I cant stand dh touching me becuase i just feel so fat and ugly that i dont see how he can find me sexy or appealing.

Having said that i did joina gym yesterday in the hopes that i can do something about my figure. That isnt going to be the hard part tho. THe hardest part for me will be teaching myself to eat properly. I have never been a good eater and i went through the majoyrity of highschool only eating maybe once a day. I am an incredibly fussy eater which dosnt help and if i cant see anything i want to eat i eaither get takeaway or skip the meal all together. I drink way to much coke which i am trying to wean myself of. I comfot eat when i am upset or lonley which really dosnt help either. I know i shouldnt do what i do but i feel like i have to self controll sometimes.

I really want to start doing things right and getting myself back on track.

**Mum2Bug** · 07-11-2006 11:21

Unfortunately as a single parent a gym is out of financial reach for me. Im hoping to get christmas out of the way and then save to buy a couple of pieces of equipment for using at home.

And even if i had the money for the gym, Bug refuses to go into a creche.

Thank you everyone. I guess this is one of the reasons I love that I can talk about how i feel on BH when i cant in RL

**Mum2Bug** · 07-11-2006 11:24

Originally Posted by Desertress

I know how you are feeling to a certain extent to. While i am not technically obese... i look in the mirror and i feel disgusted at what i see. I just cant bear to look at it because i hate the ay i look so much. I cant stand dh touching me becuase i just feel so fat and ugly that i dont see how he can find me sexy or appealing.

Having said that i did joina gym yesterday in the hopes that i can do something about my figure. That isnt going to be the hard part tho. THe hardest part for me will be teaching myself to eat properly. I have never been a good eater and i went through the majoyrity of highschool only eating maybe once a day. I am an incredibly fussy eater which dosnt help and if i cant see anything i want to eat i eaither get takeaway or skip the meal all together. I drink way to much coke which i am trying to wean myself of. I comfot eat when i am upset or lonley which really dosnt help either. I know i shouldnt do what i do but i feel like i have to self controll sometimes.

I really want to start doing things right and getting myself back on track.

OMG thats exactly what I do. And now after having a child I am trying to get back to eating regular meals but after 10 years of snacking or not eating and then comfort eating to make up for it, I am having trouble.

I hope you get there too hun. That goes for all of us.

**Desertress** · 07-11-2006 11:41

Its just so hard isnt it. After years and years of not eating properly or eating the wrong foods... trying to retrain yourself to eat properly i think is one of the hardest things. But its not uses in excersicing if im not eating properly as it will do nothing.

I hope you get there as well. Goodluck

**Karizma** · 08-11-2006 09:02

Oh Honey...........

Deanne you are such a lovely person, you give yourself with your heart. Beauty is only skin deep, but your kindness and loyalty and love and friendship are all through and through.
I do understand where you are coming from, I get the same way after my last bubs, still a spec of PND. It is so hard not to eat, cause its an association to emotions. Maybe you could find a walking group to walk with every couple of days. Maybe even a neighbour. If I were closer I would walk with you every day.
But you ARE a beautiful person:

The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they must be felt with the heart.

That is what bug feels and your mum and your dad, and us your friends. I would love you no matter how you looked.

So would bug and your parents and thats what you could focus on, the LOVE that you have. When you love yourself you can look after yourself. I am here if you wanna talk hun xxooxxoo.
Love and friendship,
K

**melbryan** · 08-11-2006 09:10

You described me when you were growing up.
Sometimes finding something your good at makes you feel a lot better, Walking with friends, meeting up with people of bubhub has really been good for me. We have had a few craft nights which helps you get out of the house.
Exercise DVD's are good too.

I have just started Weight Watchers and I have a goal to reach and damn it I am going to get there. Make a short term goal and stick too it, it helps if someone can go with you for support. I did it with my friend and I lost 12 kgs.

Have a book next tot he bd and write down all your positives, read it every night before you go to bed and write something extra so you don't feel hopeless. e.g. a good mum, a good friend, thoughtful etc.

**InSaneOne** · 08-11-2006 09:26

have you thought about something like lite'n'easy.

http://www.liteneasy.com.au/home/default.cfm

it might help you to start with by getting you to eat regular meals. and for exercise just pop bubs in the stroller and go for a walk around the block or to the park and let bubs play for a bit.