Ok...here I go. Sorry it's long.
Growing up I was always a size bigger than my friends and of extremely average looks. I was bullied at school with the usual "fat and ugly" taunts and so after a while I started to believe it. I never had boyfriends at school, I wasnt considered to be someone worth going out with. After I finished school I dated a couple of guys but every time I met someone they cheated on me. This meant I then just sat at home eating and not going out. The way I saw it if i didnt leave the house then i wouldnt have to meet people and no one could hurt me then.
Over the years this has happened a few more times so I have gotten to the point I have now given up on trying to find someone to love me. I look in the mirror every day and what I see looking back isn't something I would want to date either. My weight has crept up to a point I am now extremely obese and no matter what I do to lose it, I can't keep up the motivation. I lost a lot of my own body weight when I was pregnant and after giving birth I could actually fit into a size smaller than I had in 5 years. But that didn't last long. In the past 18 months I have gained about 20kg and now I cant bear to look at myself.
Someone actually beeped their horn at me yesterday and I didnt even bother to turn to see if anyone else was around. When they stopped at the lights the guy smiled at me so I smile back but that smile didnt reach my eyes. Why would he smile and beep at me? Im not worth it!
I want to get fit and healthy again so I can be a wonderful mummy and have the chance to watch my little girl grow up strong and healthy. I used to really love having my week filled with sport but the only thing I do now is walk. I dont allow my little girl to have my bad eating habits so that only makes me feel worse as it means I can look after her but I fail to look after myself. I spend every day at home unless I am made to drag myself out of the house but when i do go out i feel like people are laughing at me. I'm sick of looking in the mirror and crying at what I see. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I hate being me. I want to be thin