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  1. #21
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    We have had councilling in the past, but for my issues, which I didn't commit to in councilling but have worked on myself over the years. I didn't put in what I needed to in councilling. These latest issues have just ccome up on the last few days. I have mediation booked for april(earliest I could get in), but not councilling. I'm not sure I want to keep trying. I am not attracted to him(physically or emotionally), I do not love him, I do not trust him and I'm not even sure if I respect him any more.

  2. #22
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    Oh and as far as the password changes go, he made it clear he won't tell me what they are. If I want to look I have to ask him to show me.

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by lalala View Post
    Ok to give you some back ground, dh and I have been having troubles for quite some time now. A few times this year I have felt something was amiss and checked his Internet history, emails, phone and both times I have found p0rn. This latest time I found lots of it and was angry. He asked why I was angry and I told him. After 11+ years of him telling me he had no interest in it I was shocked and angry. He's angry that I checked up on him and has changed all of his access codes to everything. He says he's offended that I don't trust him(which I can understand). He also stated at the same time that he looked because he's lonely(we haven't been intimate in 6months +) and he also said he's suspected many times throughout our relationship that I have cheated on him but doesn't think I currently am(truth be told, even though I am not attracted to him and haven't been for a while, I still haven't even looked at another guy).

    i agree I shouldn't have looked at his stuff, by in my defense, I always follow my gut feeling. I am so hurt by his reaction to what's happened and every time I see him on his phone or iPad I can't help but think that that's what he's looking at. For me, I feel that this is yet again another deal breaker added to a long pile of deal breakers in our relationship and that I really need to leave. We're currently living in the same house, but I've been living in the lounge room for a while now anyway, but I feel I need to make it permanent and move out.

    To be honest, with what you have written here, it sounds like him looking at porn is just the latest of your problems. He is human, and feels neglected and lonely and has looked at porn. I think if my DH hadn't touched me in 6 months and told me I wasn't attractive to him anymore I would be miserable. Him looking at porn has come *after* you have both stopped being intimate, I think that it is a reasonable thing to understand why his stance on something like porn might have changed with the relationship breaking down.

    What happened for it all to get to this point?

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  5. #24
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    Default Privacy in a relationship??

    Quote Originally Posted by lalala View Post
    We have had councilling in the past, but for my issues, which I didn't commit to in councilling but have worked on myself over the years. I didn't put in what I needed to in councilling. These latest issues have just ccome up on the last few days. I have mediation booked for april(earliest I could get in), but not councilling. I'm not sure I want to keep trying. I am not attracted to him(physically or emotionally), I do not love him, I do not trust him and I'm not even sure if I respect him any more.
    Reading this I think you've made a decision already. You just need to make it official by the sounds of things..

  6. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by lalala View Post
    Ok to give you some back ground, dh and I have been having troubles for quite some time now. A few times this year I have felt something was amiss and checked his Internet history, emails, phone and both times I have found p0rn. This latest time I found lots of it and was angry. He asked why I was angry and I told him. After 11+ years of him telling me he had no interest in it I was shocked and angry. He's angry that I checked up on him and has changed all of his access codes to everything. He says he's offended that I don't trust him(which I can understand). He also stated at the same time that he looked because he's lonely(we haven't been intimate in 6months +) and he also said he's suspected many times throughout our relationship that I have cheated on him but doesn't think I currently am(truth be told, even though I am not attracted to him and haven't been for a while, I still haven't even looked at another guy).

    i agree I shouldn't have looked at his stuff, by in my defense, I always follow my gut feeling. I am so hurt by his reaction to what's happened and every time I see him on his phone or iPad I can't help but think that that's what he's looking at. For me, I feel that this is yet again another deal breaker added to a long pile of deal breakers in our relationship and that I really need to leave. We're currently living in the same house, but I've been living in the lounge room for a while now anyway, but I feel I need to make it permanent and move out.
    I agree, that you owe it to yourself and your kids to be happy. However, I think it sounds like a communication breakdown and this is the point in your relationship where you need to decide if counselling is worth it - it could make or break you guys. Actually, even if you do decide to leave, I would still suggest counselling. It may separation happen on more amicable terms.

    FWIW, I would also probably act in the way your dh did (change passwords) if I felt my privacy was violated in a relationship with little communication. It is probably not the mature way to go about it, but living like you are under a microscope would feel completely suffocating to me. I also understand your need to snoop here, though. I can see both sides

  7. #26
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    Default Privacy in a relationship??

    Haven't read all the other replies but DH knows all my passwords etc and I know his. Think I would get a bit annoyed if he suddenly changed them all and didn't tell me - would assume he was hiding something..

  8. #27
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    Not something I've given much thought to really.
    Dh and I know each others passwords to our ipads and mobiles. We don't go snoooping in each others phones but we will check a message coming through for the other if busy etc and we will answer each others phone if need be. If all of a sudden he had changed his passwords I would think it odd.

  9. #28
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    LTT lots has happened to get to this point. Communication has always sucked between us. I guess with the p0rn if it was just once to get off then I could look past it, but this week when I found it, it's been almost daily he's looked at it. Even when things were GREAT, sex was usually only once a month, if I wanted it more often, I'd often be turned down. He was looking at this before I told him I wasn't attracted to him. In fact I was making every possible effort to reconcile while he was looking at it behind my back. I feel betrayed, I feel disgusted by him and I quite frankly cringe at the thought of him touching me again. Dr Phil describes my stance on porn in a relationship perfectly - wrong wrong wrong(DH knew my stance before all of this too).

  10. #29
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    Hey layla,

    Privacy in a relationship is about respect, not about secrecy and deception. What privacy entails in a marriage means different things for different couples but I think that this is the key point.

    It sounds like this porn incident is just a tip of an iceberg here. If you don't love your husband, don't trust him, don't feel like he is your friend, and don't want to be with him, then it does sound like you need to think seriously about whether you want to stay in your marriage.
    I think that the best options are to try marriage counselling to help you both make a decision about whether you can resolve these issues, and if not, how to separate amicably. I would let him know that you're very concerned and that you don't feel that you can just talk it over as a couple - that you need to seek professional help, together. See if he is open to the idea.
    Best of luck to you!

  11. #30
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    Default Privacy in a relationship??

    Quote Originally Posted by lalala View Post
    I am not attracted to him(physically or emotionally), I do not love him, I do not trust him and I'm not even sure if I respect him any more.
    I'm sorry if this is rude but, why are you still with him then? Never stay together for the kids, they will be better off seeing you happy.

    My dp knows my passwords, I know his. Hell he left his little notebook with all his passwords for Everything just lying around his house, until I told him he needs to be more careful! What if someone broke in etc.We both really don't care between us though.
    People with nothing to hide, hide nothing (within reason, I guess it's a fine line between privacy and secrecy)
    Eta. He also told me pretty early into our relationship that he watches porn, and lots of it, he was completely honest. I've had issues with porn in the past but because he was honest about it it didn't bother me so much. It was the lying in the past with ex's that I hated. Dp doesn't watch it now though, he gradually moved away from it of his own accord after we'd been together for awhile
    Last edited by Sairz; 12-02-2013 at 16:57.


 

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