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  1. #1
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    Default child access when other parent is unstable/ unpredictable

    Just wanted to put my story out there to see if anyone has similar experience, and perhaps some advice. Its a long story...but the short version is, my son is 6, I've been single since pregnancy. Sons dad has mental health issues, possible current drug use, neither of which he admits to. He has never been physically violent towards me, but history of emotional abuse, etc. He is not in contact with any of his family as he treats them badly as well, they don't trust him or want him around, but they have tried.
    My son had little contact with dad in early days, but from ages 3-5 he did, and developed a relationship with him. Totally loves and idealises his dad! But, apart from general disagreements with dad on parenting- food, appropriate tv, etc, I have serious concerns about leaving him with dad, so have not done so for 6 months. 90% of me thinks he would never hurt his son, but a part of me thinks he is so unpredicatable, he could harm himout of spite, or take him away, etc. As well as this, I don't know what type of people go to his house, and other weird ideas of his, such as telling my son that asthma is in his mind (he's asthmatic.) telling him school is a waste of time.
    Basically my choices are cutting ties (my son will be devastated), supervised access (have done before, but sons dad is reluctant to do this now, and it is difficult long term) or leaving my son with his dad, which scares me.
    I feel guilty for 'creating' this situation, and feel that there will never be a resolution

  2. #2
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    Default child access when other parent is unstable/ unpredictable

    I am in no way shape or form saying your concerns are not valid. It does sound like however that a lot of your concerns are heresay.... Or Things you are concerned about mainly because you don't really know your ex anymore.

    Unless your ex IS dangerous, your son has a right to know his father. Stopping your son from having a relationship with his dad should be a last resort after he has been proven to be dangerous and after efforts to rehabilitate him have failed.

    Sorry but I have no idea how to implement this in practical terms. Something like if child services could look into your ex and whether he will look after your son properly. A lawyer should be able to help. Good luck...

  3. #3
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    Yes, I'm thinking I will contact a lawyer this week, its been uncertain for too long. My post probably did sound a bit vague, and yes, he has not yet abused my son, but it is not heresay, he has verbally and emotionally abused every other member of his extended family and basically has no friends apart from online because of his actions.
    I don't really want to wait until he is 'proven' dangerous. I totally agree in theory that he should know his dad, and my life would be easier if he could stay there too.
    Thanks for your reply though

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    i will go by experience....even if you get a lawyer you may not get the answer you want. My ex was abusive to me even while pregnant....i had a bruise the shape of his foot on my stomach. police put a dvo on him. i didnt have a choice in that. move on years later....my ex sexually assulted (not rape) at least 5 women in a few month period and pleaded guilty in court. he is under psyc care and does have mental health issues....As he had never hurt his kids (and i dont think he would but i am uncertain) he still won unsupervised over night access. If you go down the legal route be prepared to prove he is a danger to your child or he may get access. even with facts that could be proven my ex got the kids. If I was you I would be trying to come to a mutual agreement. my ex gets every wednesday night and every second saturday night. Be real careful how you deal with this if you do have genuine concerns and it isnt just you wondering.

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    I totally get where you are coming from. I cut contact with FOB for some of the same reasons. Abuse can be in many forms- not only physical.

    It is my sons right to feel secure and safe in his home environment. It is my job and my responsibility to provide this up until he can provide it for himself. It is my opinion that the right to know a parent comes 2nd to this. And further more, it is my opinion that the right to know a child comes well after that.

    Sure, it seems unfair to take away that relationship but waiting for evidence seems a little foolish. If your of logical mind and are not doing this to "get back", and your gut feeling is to pull away, than I would. Slowly. If FOB rang and asked for a weekend stay over, than I would say "Oh- we're a bit busy lately, but we had planned to go to the zoo this weekend- why don't you come along instead'. I wouldn't encourage contact.

    I would get in touch with the family though. Having them on your side (if possible) can be very useful if ever you need them, and they can kind of act as a substitute for the FOB.

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    Default child access when other parent is unstable/ unpredictable

    Ex and I split when the girls were 8 months old.
    He pushed me and held a knife to me while one of our daughters was in his arms.
    The police were called and I had it all documented.

    I tried to get them to have some sort of relationship but he just kept letting them down and I realised after his 2nd suicide attempt that I was an idiot for even allowing him to see them after that incident. Even though it was only 3 times in 10 months.

    I cut all contact after the second attempt as he would constantly call me and say he was going to do it whilst I was on the phone. He hardly ever called to speak to the girls and had no interest in being their father.

    It was then he decided to tell everyone what a b!tch I was and that I kept the kids from him, which I guess is partly true. I do it to protect them as he is too unstable and has been institutionalized twice.
    He contacted legal aid who told him he'd have minimal supervised visits and he told them not to bother with it.

    I've had so many dramas from his family and still cop flack 3 years later but I know I'm doing what's best. They have been raised by my now DF for the last 2 and a half years and they know him as Dad.
    We will explain everything to them when they are old enough.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by crankyoldcow View Post
    Crazyfamily, your post has made me feel ill.
    makes me feel ill everytime i send the kids. This is exactly why if court can be avoided I think it should be. It can be a total nightmare


 

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